“Reagan gestured toward Bush and said, ‘This is my vice president. People don’ t usually know what the role of the vice president is because he’ s always behind the scenes making sure everything that the president wants done happens the way it’ s supposed to.’ He looked at me and said matter-of-factly, ‘I catch the public’ s attention while the vice president carries out orders.’ ‘And gives them,’ added Bush’ s close friend, Dick Cheney. “George Bush, Jr. stood by his father and covered his backside whenever Bush would become incapacitated from drugs or required criminal backup. It appeared that Junior was there to serve both purposes while his father and Cheney enjoyed their work-vacation. Junior had never shown any interest in me sexually. Like his father, he had only shown sexual interest in [my daughter] Kelly, who had been away with him most of the day.” Cathy told the Conspiracy Con audience that, at the age of 19, “I worked on a White House/Pentagon level during the Reagan/Bush years and carried out many criminal covert operations for the CIA. The war on drugs was no more than the CIA eliminating competition worldwide, turning our streets into a bloodbath. | was exposed to many drugs, perversion, sex activity, filmed through a little lens in the ceiling because HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015232

these criminals do not trust each other, so they blackmail each other. | used cocaine, sometimes heroin, Bush’ s drug of choice. “Of all the drugs | was exposed to there was one that was strictly forbidden, and that was marijuana, because the effects on the brain actually opened those neuron pathways so that any compartmentalization of memory, of any kind of trauma, or so-called secret, actually begins to erode. That’ s why they don’ t want to have even medical marijuana. I' m not standing here to be pro-marijuana at all, | am here to tell you | am extremely ant/marijuana, but | know why this anti-marijuana campaign is out there, with their efforts to control all of us by making sure that this particular drug is controlled so that no one in any kind of position would have free thought.” When Cathy finished her presentation, Mark Phillips returned to the stage. “We ask you respectfully,” he said, “to please allow us to provide you with” —that is, to sell— “our book and share it with someone you love. It’ s a horrible book, probably the most incredible validated story that is going to soon be a major theme in maybe more than one motion picture and a TV documentary series. After all these years, Cathy and | believe that this is our last year.” HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015233

And therein lies a paradox of this convention. All the speakers totally distrust the controlled mainstream media, yet they all sense imminent triumph, believing that they and their messages will soon be vindicated by that very same controlled mainstream media. You want statistics? Here’ s what the polls show: That 68% of Americans believe President Kennedy was killed as part of a conspiracy. That 51% believe federal officials assassinated JFK. That 40% of Americans think the FBI set the fires at Waco. That more than four in ten Americans think the FBI deliberately withheld evidence in the Oklahoma City bombing case. That 80% of Americans think the government is concealing knowledge of extraterrestrial life. That 75% of Americans believe the war on drugs is a failure. That 47% of people using public toilets flush with their feet. In a book about the National Security Agency, Body of Secrets, James Bamford reveals that, in 1962, U.S. military leaders proposed a plan to commit violent terrorist acts and kill innocent Americans, blaming Cuba in order to create a pretext for invading the island and deposing Fidel Castro. One document prepared and signed by all five Joint Chiefs or Staff, states: “We could develop a Communist Cuban terror campaign in the HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015234

Miami area, in other Florida cities and even in Washington. We could blow up a U.S. ship in Guantanamo Bay and blame Cuba. Casualty lists in U.S. newspapers would cause a helpful wave of indignation.” In an interview, Bamford said, “What the Joint Chiefs indicated in their plan was, they would have people shot on American streets, bombs blown up, refugee boats sunk on the high seas—and all this would be blamed on the Cuban government.” | have no problem believing such insidious intentions—certainly the U.S. military commanders were capable of such dehumanization—and yet | can’ t accept as truth Cathy O’ Brien’ s story. | think it’ s an elaborate hoax, intertwining celebrity porn with historical context to foster credibility. Example: “Noriega had been an intricate part of arming the Nicaraguan contras for Reagan, as well as an international hub in the cocaine operations that funded the black budgets for ultra-secret projects such as Project Monarch. “Michael Aquino put a vaginal prod in my hand and ordered me to masturbate myself with it, pushing the button to electrically jolt myself internally upon command. Noriega’ s eyes were enormous. He paled to a sickly grey, his mouth fell open and he ran out the door while Aquino HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015235

assured him that he had ‘nowhere to run, nowhere to hide from Reagan’ s powers.’ “ So who /s this Aquino guy? According to Cathy, “In the early 1980s, my base programming was instilled at Fort Campbell, Kentucky, by U.S. Army Lt. Colonel Michael Aquino. He holds a Top Secret clearance in the Defense Intelligence Agency’ s Psychological Warfare Division (PSYOP). He is a professed neo-Nazi, the founder of the Himmler-inspired satanic Temple of Set and has been charged with child ritual and sexual abuse at the Presidio Day Care in San Francisco. But like my father, Aquino remains ‘above the law’ while he continues to traumatize and program CIA- destined young minds in a quest to reportedly create the ‘superior race’ of Project Monarch mind-controlled slaves.” | contacted Aquino, who retired in 1994, and he responded: “Not only was | never stationed at Fort Campbell at anytime throughout my entire Army career, but I’ ve never even visited that particular post, on- or off-duty. | have never had any contact at anytime, anyplace, anywhere with Cathy O’ Brien. | have never programmed sex slaves for the government or anyone else. | have never participated in any form of child abuse whatever.” What does he think her motivation is? HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015236

“| can only assume that O’ Brien is either a crank or simply an unethical individual who seeks money, notoriety and/or publicity by inventing sensationalistic lies. Her book is strewn with sex accusations not just about myself, but concerning a parade of high government officials, celebrities and country music stars. | haven’ t sued O’ Brien for libel for the simple reason that her book is clearly in the lunatic fringe, and to take legal notice of it would only give it a dignity it doesn’ t deserve. | presume that the other public figures libeled by it haven’ t sued her either for the same reason. “| certainly am not going to defend/excuse any of the MK-Ultra projects. These were all before my time—l was commissioned a 2nd Lieutenant in 1968—and | read about such things in Search for the Manchurian Candidate and Acid Dreams, shaking my head, much the same as you probably did. | can affirm that my work in Army PSYOP was strictly legitimate and in keeping with the Field Manual #33-1 guidelines taught at the Special Warfare Center, Fort Bragg. “In a nutshell: techniques for trying to convince an enemy not to fight but to cooperate with you. | originally became interested in it because (a) | believed that the USA was generally on the side of goodness, and (b) winning wars by persuasion rather than bullets and bombs seemed HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015237

a great idea to me. This may sound like a naive idealist, but that’ s the way | looked out at the world in 1968.” | asked Aquino, “Do you think that Cathy O’ Brien and Mark Phillips utilized you in their book [published in 1995] because the Presidio case would give their accusations a patina of verisimilitude?” “Well, | think that’ s obvious,” he replied. “After the highly publicized and sensationalized attack on my wife and myself at the Presidio, all sorts of nutcases tossed my name around in whatever their fantasy of the moment. The combination--high-ranking Army officer, intelligence officer, Special Forces officer, PSYSOP officer, #2 official of the Church of Satan 1970-75+--was just too juicy. “As for the Presidio affair, following the publication of the ‘recovered memories of Satanic Ritual Abuse’ book Michelle Remembers in 1980, the United States and other Anglo-American countries went through a decade of ‘Satanic Ritual Abuse scares and witch-hunts. After the 1984 McMartin Preschool became internationally publicized in one such scare, day-care facilities generally became targets of ‘Satanic Ritual Abuse’ witch-hunts. “The epidemic extended to U.S. military services as well, including fifteen U.S. Army day-care centers and elementary schools by 1987. In late HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015238

1986 it was the turn of the Presidio. The San Francisco Police investigated, verified that my wife and | had been three thousand miles away in Washington, D.C.—where | was on duty every single day [that the alleged victim] was at the day-care center September 1st to October 31st, 1986—and closed the case with no charges accordingly. “In October 1988, however, | appeared as a panelist on a Gera/do Rivera Halloween Special. Rivera was trying to aggravate and escalate the ‘Satanic Ritual Abuse’ witch-hunt mania, and | was speaking out against it. The broadcast came to the attention of Senator Jesse Helms who became enraged that a Lt. Colonel in the Army should dare to hold a ‘Satanic’ religion. As Freedom of information filings later revealed, Helms then secretly contacted his close personal friend, Secretary of the Army John Marsh, and insisted that Marsh devise some way to destroy my career. “What was actually taking place: a blatant attempt by Senator Helms, Secretary of the Army Marsh and the Criminal Investigation Division of the Army to discredit an Army officer with a ‘politically incorrect’ religion. It didn’ t work.” zk k * HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015239

Although | believe that 7rance Formation of America is an elaborate hoax and Michael Aquino thinks it’ s in the lunatic fringe, conspiracy researcher Robert Sterling perceives a more devious motivation. In Apocalypse Culture //, edited by Adam Parfrey, Sterling writes: “Effective disinformation is never an absolute lie. The purpose of disinformation is to confuse truth and validity, and to do so, boldfaced les are rarely convincing. Effective disinformation mixes truth and deception to obfuscate the two. The closer the disinformation approaches truth, the more damning it becomes. Then all the disinformation, even the legitimate parts, discredits targeted research and ideas. “At the time of the release of 7rance Formation, there was a growing awareness in the conspiracy subculture of intelligence agency involvement in satanic ritual abuse. Literature on the subject was reaching a critical mass where it could not be ignored. Would intelligence agencies devote resources to counteract such information? Not only is it possible, it almost certainly has occurred. “The CIA, even with an officially acknowledged history of abusing people through mind-control experiments (the most famous being MK- Ultra), certainly has a vested interest in denying such operations exist, especially when the operations are as insidious as sexually abusing HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015240

children. And supposing that [the] tales are part of a CIA disinformation campaign, it would make sense that some names on the list would actually include guilty participants. After all, what better place to hide the truth than out in the open, knowing full well it won’ t be believed?” Sterling posted a review of Cathy O' Brien’ s book by Jaye Beldo on his Web site, 7he Konformist. “If you are bored out of your mind with the usual Pamela Anderson Lee ‘power-fuck porn,’ | suggest grabbing a copy of 7rance Formation of America and heading to the nearest bathroom with a jar of Vaseline. Why not infuse life into your worn-out sexual fantasies by envisioning some of the scenes spelled out in Cathy O’ Brien’ s supposed expose’ of the pedophile shenanigans of our Government officials? | mean, how could you not get excited over picturing Hillary Clinton going down on the author’ s deformed vagina like a starved wolf while Bill walks in on them and casually ignores them? “| cannot help but get the impression that Cathy is, at times, really no different from some of the questionable UFO abductees making extravagant claims of being transported to other solar systems and back again. | have little doubt that some of the horrible things she mentions HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015241

actually happen on a day-to-day basis. Completely denying them would be folly.” Mark Phillips was not too thrilled with this review, and he wrote to Beldo: “| feel compelled to inform you of the inevitable consequences of your unsolicited written vulgar assaults upon Cathy O’ Brien, Kelly, myself and the overall integrity of our book. | have placed you on the shortlist of potentially dangerous sexual predators, which is automatically reviewed by interested local law enforcement personal [s/d (that we are in regular professional communications with) whenever a sexual crime is committed in the area you reside. Until you are apprehended for being a physical threat to yourself and/or innocent others, you will remain at large but nevertheless well identified. “Stay away from contact with children and out of any county/state/federal prison system, as within moments from the time you may eventually be arrested for some alledged [s/cq) charge of illegal/immoral activities, | will be notified and will do all in my power of influence to see that you are legally seperated [s/d from society until you have had to time necessary to do what you proposed for others less appreciative of your sick ‘review’ —to get a hold of yourself or allow an HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015242

inmate to take matters into their own hands and change your thoughts towards acceptance of brutal criminal activity.” Konformist editor Sterling wrote to Phillips: “| harbored no personal animosity to either you or Ms. O’ Brien, but | had serious questions about the accuracy of what was in your book. Even more disturbing, | had a very bad feeling that, wittingly or not, the claims in 7rance Formation could easily be used to manipulate people into a hysterical witch-hunt state, and could be used to smear those who are innocent of charges made by you and Cathy, Brice and others. | felt if people were not careful, they could be whipped into a fascist state of mindlessly agreeing to any charge made by alleged CIA sex slaves to a conspiracy underground version of McCarthyism.” The “Brice” he refers to is Brice Taylor, author of the first competitor of 7rance Formation, published in 1999—Thanks for the Memories: The Memoirs of Bob Hope’ s and Henry Kissinger’ s Mind- Controlled Slave—in which she asserts that Walt Disney raped her on Mr. Toad’ s Wild Ride; that she had sex with all three Kennedy brothers plus JFK, Jr. when he was 12; and that she has cavorted with public figures ranging from Prince Charles to Alan Greenspan, from Elvis Presley to Neil Diamond, from Johnny Carson to Ed McMahon. “Hi-yo!” HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015243

Brice Taylor also claims the existence of a federal program of brainwashing and molesting children with electroshock and dolphins, that she and her 13-year-old daughter had a threesome with Sylvester Stallone, and that he filmed them in Do/phin Porn, videos of dolphins penetrating women in the ocean. And Cathy O’ Brien declares that “Jesuit/NASA- based whale and dolphin programming suggests that water is a mirror to other dimensions and is the means by which aliens have mixed with our population.” Robert Sterling observes that, “After suffering horrible torture and abuse at the hands of countless famous politicians and celebrities, both O’ Brien and Taylor declare of being spoken to by Jesus Christ, whose glorious powers healed them of all trauma and left them immune to further manipulation. At the time of her ‘memory recovery,’ Brice was corralled and influenced by Christian fundamentalists, who convinced her that her previous life was the prelude for an afterlife in Hell. It should be obvious that the New World Order sex slave genre is nothing more than thinly veiled porn disguised as parapolitics.” Sterling told me that Cathy and Mark’ s book has “sold over 20,000 copies. Their following is heavily right-wing Christians and patriot groups, and if you hang out with either sector you’ Il eventually hear HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015244

some pro- /7rance-Formation-of-America sentiments. Not surprising—part of the book’ s thesis is that mind control is part of the New World Order plot.” The predecessor of this whole non-literary genre was 7he Control of Candy Jones, published in 1976. Jones was a highly successful model supposedly transformed into a CIA Manchurian Candidate. The book was ghostwritten by her husband, a carnival hypnotist and late-night radio talk- show host “Long John” Nebel. His friend, stage magician and psychic debunker James “The Amazing” Randi, told me that Nebel made up the entire book because he needed money. When | mentioned this to Walter Bowart, author of Operation Mind Control, he insisted that Randi himself was an intelligence agent. Amazing, indeed. kok # There’ s a mini-ballroom at the Convention Center where conspiracy books, audio and videotapes are being sold. A man wearing a space suit is hawking an Alien Abduction Survival Kit. Another vendor is selling aura cameras. And, for some incongruous reason, a woman is coning—that is, getting the wax out of a prone client’ s ears with the aid of a burning candle and a tin pie-pate. At a booth offering “Free HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015245

Electricity for Life,” the proprietor is saying, “They killed one of my associates.” In the auditorium, William Lyne, a researcher on free energy devices for 50 years, tells the audience, “Il know a man who’ s in mind control—and they’ ve used it on him and his father—they use a virtual reality type of technology that’ s projected to that person, transmitted to them so that they see images that aren’ t there, but what they want to do is terrify them and make them think they’ re seeing these things, except they’ re intelligent people and they know that they’ re not real images, they just want to know how they’ re receiving those images. If they want you to see something, they can transmit it to you. “They can do it for a whole area. And the place where this person lives, they’ re all shutting down at 10 0’ clock at night. Everybody in that whole part of town are actually going to bed at the same time. It’ s like they’ ve got the whole area under control. And it’ s within eyeshot of Los Alamos Labs. The dirty part of the labs where they do this kind of stuff. | say dirty because there’ s coerced black projects being done out of there.” As for Lyne’ s own safety in the face of promulgating free energy, he says, “I’ m encouraged lately because there’ s safety in numbers. Too HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015246

many people have access to this stuff and are promoting it. Now there have been some real tragedies in the past. People had some of this technology and they disappeared or were squashed. | don’ t have any fear of the government. | lost my fear a long time ago. They tried to murder me several times, and | said to myself, ‘Well, | might be dead tomorrow and nobody’ d know why, so I’ m gonna go out there and tell what | know and |’ m not afraid,/ and | think everyone should take the same approach.” Jordan Maxwell has been exploring the hidden foundations of religions and secret societies since 1959. At the convention, his presentation is titled 7oxic Religion and the Occult Establishment. “The same people who gave you the Mafia gave you the Church,” he says. “The Church /s the Mafia. An FBI man called me: ‘We’ ve been watching you, we follow you wherever you go, we know what you’ re doing. But you are not a threat. We admire what you’ re trying to do. But your government does not consider you to be a threat—yet—but if you get enough people listening to you—and they’ re not just listening but they’ re actually Hearing you—then you will be considered a threat and now we’ Il have to take another look at what you’ re going to do. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015247

‘ ‘But the reason I’ m calling—this an unofficial call—is to warn you when you talk about corruption and government, most people in government couldn’ t care less, they don’ t care, they’ re corrupt and they know it and you know it, so what are you gonna do about it? But when you talk about the Church and religious institutions in this country, what you’ re doing is you are messing with organized crime at its highest level. The highest levels of organized crime in this country are the religious institutions. We’ re talking about a lot of money. We’ re talking about the control of men’ s minds, about the dream of absolute total domination. This makes the Mafia look like child’ s play.’ ” Another speaker, Len Horowitz, author of Emerging Viruses: AIDS and Ebola, explains that “Non-lethal warfare is where you don’ t kill populations like with a bomb or a gunshot, but you make them sick. You make them dependent on pharmaceuticals which are actually a military- pharmaceutical complex run by the same players—the global elite—and then ultimately these populations become enslaved to the pharmaceuticals and economically debilitated along with their nation states.” Now, like the Blues Brothers, he on a mission from God: “Bust the Illuminati. Bust the cryptography code. The darkest time in our history is just beginning. Revelation tells you in God’ s word that you and | should HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015248

count the number of the Beast 666. The revelations we’ ve just been given is that wisdom. It takes it out of the realm of foolish conspiracy theory into hard, provable, scientific, statistically significant fact, and God bless you with it at this time. With that blessing, | want to thank you so much for allowing me to be here tonight [it was now 12:30 in the afternoon]. Thank you. God bless you. Thank you [said nine times]. Say hallelujah! Praise God! Thank you all.” Dr. Horowitz was scheduled to fly to Africa and spread the word. “Okay, God,” he prayed aloud, “if it’ s not Your will for me to go—because apparently |’ m hearing from all these people that | shouldn’ t go, | shouldn’ t go, fear, fear, fear, fear—please let me know what You want me to do, and if You have me go, if You choose to have me die if | go, then so be it, but | would prefer to live and carry your work forward, so please direct me.” And of course God told him to go. Yet another presenter, William Thomas, author of Chem-Trails: Mystery Lines in the Sky, also revealed a sense of his own martyrdom. He stated that “The earth and its inhabitants are being subjected to unprecedented experimentation without our knowledge or permission. Some say the chem-trails are intended to kill us all. Others insist the disorientation and lethargy resulting from chem-trail exposure are HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015249

intended to make citizens compliant to the New World Order and enslave us all. “The most plausible explanation for massive aerial spraying is a planet-wide, high-tech campaign against catastrophic climate change. If true, such a desperate Band-Aid solution disregards fundamental causes of global warming in order to protect powerful financial interests by permitting pollution and profits. This story has cost me a lot--cost me the love of my life, my career. To the people doing this, you can break my heart and you can break my back, but you will never, ever, break my spirit.” [Prolonged applause, shouts of Bravo] “I’ m not afraid of death.” And the P.A. system blared forth the sound of Jackson Browne singing, “There are lives in the balance .. .” kok # If there is a star of this show, it’ s David Icke (rhymes with bike). Author of And the Truth Shall Set You Free, he’ s a dynamic performer, somewhat pot-bellied, with longish yellow hair. His presentation is about the secret manipulation of the human race, going back thousands of years, revealing how the same interbreeding bloodlines continue to control positions of power today, and he ardently shares suppressed information HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015250

on humanity’ s ancient extraterrestrial origins. Thus he offers an alternative explanation of our existence that transcends creationism and evolution alike. All that, and he puts his underwear on backwards too. With his whimsical British accent, he confides to the audience: “A little while ago, I' m thinking I’ Il empty me bladder before | speak, so |’ m fiddling and | can’ t make contact, and then | realize | put me underpants on the wrong way around. | didn’ t know whether | was coming or going.” Then he entered specific domains of strangeness: "A few years ago, | met a scientist who joined the CIA as a youngster, serving his country. He is a genius in the area of magnetics. When he started to work for the CIA in these secret projects, he realized that they didn’ t want his knowledge to serve humanity, they wanted to create technology that would help to control the mass of the population, and he rebelled against it and said, ‘I’ m not doing this any more.’ “He started to tell me a story and, as he did, he was opening his shirt. One day he left home and he started missing time. Doesn’ t remember anything about it. But he does remember waking up on a medical-type bench, and as he got his faculties back he realized there was HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015251

something stuck to his chest. As he opened his shirt, | could see like a see- through shampoo sachet on his chest with an orange-gold liquid inside it. “And he said that what they’ d done was manipulate his body to need this drug to survive, and if he doesn’ t get it, then he starts to die what is apparently a very long and painful death. And this patch--which is what they call them on the inside--with the drug has to be replaced every seventy-two hours, and if he doesn’ t serve an agenda that sickens him, then it’ s not replaced. “He told me about a microchip now so small it can be inserted in a vaccination program through a hypodermic needle. Even those who thought the microchip was coming along as a tagging device have not realized that it’ s not just about keeping a tag on where people are. It’ s not actually the signals going from the chip to the computer we should be concerned about, but the signals coming the other way fo the chip, because the technology exists, outside the public arena and increasingly in it, which can manipulate human emotion and thought processes externally once one of these guys is inside. If people say no to one thing, say no to the microchip.” (In December 2001, Reuters would report that a chip the size of a grain of rice which can be injected into your body and give detailed HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015252

information to anyone with the right scanning equipment is soon to be available from Applied Digital Solutions. The company has projected a potential market worth $70 billion.] Occasionally, Icke throws in a tidbit of comic relief, such as two Martians in a bar: “Have you heard the latest about the Earthlings?” “No, what have they done now?” = “They borrow money that doesn’ t exist and pay interest on it.” Other times, he’ Il throw in a generally unconsidered theory: “JonBenet Ramsey has all the feel of her being a multi-personality, dissociative identity disorder, trauma-based mind-control situation, and involved in satanic ritual abuse. | think there’ s a massive cover-up there, because if you’ re going to stop the dominoes falling, you have to stop the first domino falling, and that’ s what that cover-up to me was all about.” But he is most challenging when he discusses interbreeding: “Why are three ruling families today obsessed with interbreeding? Why when you follow them back genealogically to the ancient world have they always been obsessed with interbreeding? | found an amazing common theme in the ancient world anywhere on the planet—the theme of gods HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015253

interbreeding with humanity, creating hybrid bloodlines which ended up in positions of power. “| talked five hours with a Zulu shaman about extraterrestrial connections to the Illuminati. African history is the same theme, of gods from another world, which have great connections to earth history, interbreeding with humanity, creating bloodlines which have ruled the world all these thousands of years. The royal black bloodline of Africa from the age of tribal days claimed descendants from the same gods that these other crowds do. “One of the great themes that comes up in this interbreeding and these ancient accounts is of a serpent race, a race of a reptilian genetic history, which interbred with humans, creating hybrid DNA. I’ m not just talking about this tiny frequency range we call the world. There are other frequencies as well, in terms of where manipulators of the manipulators actually come from. This force which manipulates through these bloodlines overwhelmingly operates right on the periphery of our physical senses, right on the edge. It can appear that someone’ s gone from one form to another. This is ‘shape shifting’ between human and reptilian form. “From 1998 onward, | kept meeting people telling the same story, that they have seen people overwhelmingly in positions of power--but not HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015254

always--move from a human form to a reptilian-type form. There is the Mayan legend of the iguana. Lizard-like aliens had descended upon the Mayans. Their pyramids—their advanced astronomical technology including the sacrifice of virgins—were supposedly inspired by lizard aliens. When the aliens interbred with the Mayans, they produced a form of life they could inhabit. They fluctuated between a human and iguana appearance in chameleon-like abilities, a perfect vehicle for transforming into world leaders. “Those who have seen a reptilian-type ethereal figure enveloping and following around humans and locking into them in those lower two chakra points, vortex points, for me, is possession. The more |’ ve understood this, the more |’ ve realized just how many people, particularly these bloodlines, are actually controlled by these other-dimensional forces, and while we appear to be seeing a president or a banking leader in a physical form, the actual point of control is beyond that and overshadowing it, and on some occasion people see that overshadowing entity.” One wonders whether such a defense— “The reptile made me do it!” —will some day be used in a court of law. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015255

“To understand humanity,” Icke continued, “you have really got to understand humanists reptilian past, reptilian inherited genetics. One of the most ancient parts of the human brain is known by science as the R complex, for reptilian brain. We get these traits—cold-blooded behavior, ritualistic behavior, desire for top-down power over structures. Now, dismiss the reptilian thing—let’ s just think they don’ t exist—I have just described the basic mentality of the Illuminati that allows wars to be created, millions of casualties without any emotional attachment to consequences. Why do people who have more money than they could spend in a thousand lifetimes go on accumulating it? Why do corporations that have enormous power and control over vast areas go on accumulating and seeking more and more power and control?” So, then, is this whole reptilian agenda really just a metaphor for the varieties of human cruelty? Or does Icke mean it all literally? Previously, Jordan Maxwell had told the audience, “I think the dirtiest, the filthiest, the most licentious people on the face of the earth are the British royalty. They represent in the human race all that is evil and all that is filthy and degenerate. And that’ s why Princess Diana is dead.” That there was a conspiracy behind Diana’ s death seems to be a given among this crowd: the royal bloodline protected by the paparazzi. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015256

Conspiracy researchers often start with a premise—who benefits?—and work their way backward, molding their perception of reality like Silly Putty in order to cu/minate with the justification of that premise. Maxwell continued: “About ten years ago, a young black man broke into the Queen Mum’ s bedroom, and one of her servants happened to be walking by and the bedroom door was open a bit, and she saw this young black boy in the queen’ s bedroom. She quietly went to security which came up and arrested him for breaking into the queen’ s bedroom, but the queen said he didn’ t threaten her and he wasn’ t armed and it was just a childish silly prank, and so she let it slide if he promised not to do that any more. James Bond couldn’ t break into the queen’ s bedroom! If there was a young black man in the queen’ s bedroom in Buckingham Palace, the queen ordered him in like pizza. The Queen Mum with her black boyfriend. Tell me about racism.” That anecdote says something about the queen’ s human nature, but now David Icke added another dimension: “Some of the descriptions, like of the British royal family—people who claim to have been at the rituals—are of a /tera/ shift. They seem to go from one physical state to another, very much in this dimension, which from our perspective of this-world physics is like, what? And then others HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015257

are describing what appears to be a vibrational thing, where people are looking into another dimension slightly outside of our physical frequency range, the normal one, and suddenly they’ re seeing another level of the person which appears reptilian. And exactly where the truth is in all that or whether it’ s a shade of grey and both are true, there’ s a lot more information that is needed. “Going back in African history, this reptilian group actually go back a phenomenal amount of time in relation to this planet, and they claim that it’ s actually rightfully theirs, and at some point in the ancient past there were some great wars that went on, and in fact they were kicked off, and they’ re trying to regain control of what they think is rightfully theirs, like being kicked out of a country. “Other researchers, concentrating on the reptilian thing for a long time, say that in some way they basically go around to different places, just raping the resources, and then move on. Then there’ s the one about the fact that in some way a lot of these beings were almost imprisoned, in a vibrational prison, like they can’ t get out of it by going up because they can’ t vibrationally get there in their present state of being. And their only way out of that level is to come into a lower level of vibration into this HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015258

dense physical world, and operate through that. But | understand Cathy saying it’ s only a mind-control thing.” From the gospel according to Cathy O' Brien: “When Bill and Bob Bennett together sexually assaulted my daughter Kelly and me at the Bohemian Grove in 1986, | had already known Bill Bennett as a mind control programmer for some time. He apparently found perverse pleasure in whipping me. With my wrists bruised and my body stinking with pain, Bennett lit up a cigarette and cryptically asked, ‘Was that your first cum-union with an alien?’ “[On another occasion] deep underground in NASA’ s Goddard Space Flight Center mind-control lab near D.C., Bill Bennett began preparing me for the program. NASA uses various CIA designer drugs to chemically alter the brain and create exactly the mindset required at the time. | could barely crawl up onto the cold, metal lab table as the drug took effect in the darkness surrounding me, | could hear Bill Bennett talking. ‘My brother Bob and | work as one unit. We are alien to this dimension—two beings from another plane.’ “The high-tech light display swirling around me convinced me | was transforming dimensions with them. A laser of light hit the black wall in front of me, which seemed to explode into a panoramic view of a White HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015259

House cocktail party—as though | had transformed dimensions and stood amongst them. Not recognizing anyone, | frantically asked, ‘Who are these people?’ ‘ "They’ re not people, and this isn’ t a space ship,’ Bennett said. As he spoke, the holographic scene changed ever so slightly until the people appeared to be lizard-like aliens. ‘Welcome to the second level of the underground. This level is a mere reflection of the first, an alien dimension. We are from a trans-dimensional plane that spans and encompasses all dimensions. | have taken you through my dimension as a means of establishing stronger holds on your mind than the earth’ s plane permits. Being alien, | simply make my thoughts your thoughts by projecting them into your mind. My thoughts are your thoughts.’ If this were so, why did he have to audib/y tell me?” Aha! A touch of skepticism from Cathy. And yet part of me still hopes that was all true, if only because of Bill Bennett’ s personal maxim: “Hypocrisy is better than having no values at all.” kok # How could | distinguish truth from lies if truth was cross-fertilized with greed, the need for attention, false memory, speculation, fantasy, self- HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015260

delusion and intentional propaganda? | contemplated the implications of something that Michael Aquino had told me: “Part of what we learned in PSYOP was that it’ s not just the propaganda you create that is a factor, but the pre-existing propaganda ‘filters’ in target audiences’ brains as well. The key has to be designed to fit the lock, so to speak. And underlying all this is the challenge to the PSYOPerator to extricate himse/ffrom his own filters--otherwise he will see the situation only through his personal distortions and thus be inept at influencing it objectively and comprehensively.” Consequently, propaganda can become a two-way street. For example, Cory Hammond, former president of the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis, has had many clients who, under hypnosis, “remember” hideous incidents of satanic rituals, infant sacrifice, sadomasochism and coprophilia (get that shit-eating grin off your face). Dr. Hammond believes that three groups working together—neo-Nazis, the CIA and NASA—have been programming American children for over fifty years to make them part of “a Satanic order that will rule the world.” Likewise, the war on drugs is filtered through a mass of distortions. In the words of 7he Economist—a venerable British newsweekly that has been a longtime passionate advocate for the legalization of drugs—the HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015261

growing, selling, consuming and outlawing of illegal drugs around the world is a complex mix of economics, politics and world culture. There are silly conspiracies. Some folks believe that the moon landing was faked (those were close-up photos of oatmeal). Others believe that the Woodstock Festival never occurred (it was contrived by the media). Still others believe that Elvis Presley’ s death was fabricated (he’ s alive in Las Vegas, working as an Elvis impersonator). And surely there must be others who are convinced that militant vegetarian activists are responsible for Mad Cow disease. Sometimes silly conspiracists get results. In 1995, Indiana transportation officials were forced to alter the maintenance codes marked on the back of highway signs because some state residents were convinced that the markings were coded messages designed to assist invading UN troops. And there are serious conspiracies. Gasoline refiners conspire to limit supply and fix prices. The relationship between doctors and pharmaceutical companies is blatantly conspiratorial. Douglas Valentine wrote in 7he Phoenix Program (about the CIA’ s notorious terrorist campaign against Vietnamese villagers) that in 1968 the Army’ s 111th Military Intelligence Group kept Martin Luther King under 24-hours-a-day HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015262

surveillance. Its agents were in Memphis on April 4th and “reportedly watched and took photos while King’ s assassin moved into position, took aim, fired, and walked away.” World War II was racketed by presidential conspiracies of silence: Franklin D. Roosevelt knew that Japan was going to attack Pearl Harbor; and Harry Truman knew that Japan was about to make peace overtures but he nevertheless ordered that atomic bombs be dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Domestically, the Aryan Republican Army financed and helped to stage the Oklahoma City bombing, and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms knew about it three weeks before it happened. Pokeman has become a target of religious leaders throughout the Arab world who charge that the game promotes theories of evolution, encourages gambling and, at its core, is part of a Jewish conspiracy aimed at turning children away from Islam. To David Icke, Jews are the pawns in an elaborate Rothschild-Illuminati breeding experiment, and they are “impregnated with a reptilian genetic code.” kok # There’ s a final panel at Conspiracy Con with questions from the audience. A reporter for Stuff magazine waits his turn on line, then steps up to the microphone and asks, “What is the secret to how you’ ve HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015263

managed to maintain such healthy heads of hair? The answers: “Well, mine’ s glued.” “I stopped pulling it out a few years ago.” “It was the fluoride.” “Mine is the same color when | purchased it.” And, “Genetics.” A woman who claims to be a victim of mind control asks, “How do you function? How do you deal with manipulation in your personal lives, being individuals that are speaking out? Is there any secure communication? Can the whole body be scanned for implants, inside your teeth or your skull?” Icke responds: “No technology exists in this frequency range more powerful than the human mind in its true power. When disconnected from that, we become open to technical manipulation. Is there any secure communication? | don’ t give a shit. | say what | think on the Internet. | don’ t worry about being harmed. If you don’ t allow the idea of vulnerability into your reality, it cannot manifest. If it’ s not your reality, you cannot project it. It never occurs to me that these guys can do anything to me. “Those that were doing this [work] in fear of consequences were getting them. ‘I don’ t know how long they’ re gonna allow me to do this.’ They almost wore their bravery like a war medal. Courage is HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015264

overcoming fear. If you don’ t have fear you don’ t need courage because there’ s no fear to overcome. You just do it, get on with it, do what you believe to be right without the need for courage because there’ s nothing to overcome. “ ‘I’ m doing dangerous things,’ they say, ‘but! keep on going. I' m sure they’ re gonna do this to me if | keep on.’ They will get the consequences, and others who are just doing it, won’ t. And because we create our own reality, what we allow into our field of possibility can manifest. If it doesn’ t come it, it cannot manifest. | don’ t worry about defending myself.” Suddenly, as if on cue, an agitated man brandishing a pistol stalks out from the backstage area. Shouting, “The China card will be played big,” he aims his gun at Icke, who sits there calmly while the other panelists all duck under the table. A single shot rings out. Panic fills the air, and screams emanate from the audience. But it’ s the would-be assassin, not Icke, who is the one that falls to the ground. The panel discussion has ended, and the auditorium Is cleared. | show my press credentials to a security guard and he allows me to Stay. | can see a doctor hovering over the man, who is bleeding fiercely. When the doctor unbuttons the man’ s shirt | notice that on his chest, just HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015265

a couple of inches from the gaping wound, there is a patch with an orange- gold liquid inside it. The doctor pats it gently and says, “What the hell is this?” The man is able only to whisper, “He blew my goddam cover." Then he gasps for breath. The doctor says he’ s dead, and the security guard tells me | have to leave. | had been looking forward all day to a room-service dinner of Colossal Pacific Coast Prawns simmered in Thai curry sauce with sticky rice and toasted coconut, but now | wasn’ t hungry. | was too preoccupied with what had transpired that evening. | kept asking myself, “Who shot the mad scientist? And why?” | felt like a poker player who’ s been dealt a hand of all blank cards. Finally an epiphany arrived, and | knew exactly what | had to do. | made three phone calls, then went down to the bar to keep an appointment with David Icke that we had arranged early in the day. We selected a corner table, | took out my cellphone, dialed my own number at home, and when the answering machine started, | dialed the code to get my messages and handed the phone to Icke. This is what he heard: “Hi, this is Paul, calling myself. I’ ve already left a message on [my wife] Nancy’ s answering machine, asking her to save this tape in case anything happens to me. About the shooting that took place here, | called HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015266

my contact in the CIA who informed me that it was a Company job. They killed David Icke’ s friend before he could kill Icke. But why would they be protecting \cke? You' d think that they’ d want him dead because he knows too much. Unless he happens to be one of them and they need him to continue spreading disinformation. So now that this precaution has been taken, | will go and confront Icke.” He laughed. “Nice try,” he said. “First of all, don’ t worry, nothing’ s going to happen to you. But, by all means, keep that tape as a souvenir. You’ re right about one thing, though. | am protected by the CIA. Not because I' m one of them, but because I' m not one of them. If they wanted me dead, they could kill me any time they wanted. But they know I’ m not spreading disinformation. You have to understand, these guys work strictly on a need-to-know basis. So it’ s not that | know too much, it’ s that they don’ t know enough. “Because, If an individual agent knows too much, he may not do what he’ s been assigned to do. He must have a given order to do something, but if he knows that the end result is that somebody’ s going to be blown up twelve miles away—and all he’ s supposed to do is deliver an envelope—he may start thinking about it. So, various agents read my HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015267

books and check my Web site and show up wherever | speak. It’ s a safety valve for them, on how far things are going.” “Are you saying that the intelligence community has allowed you to function because you know more than any of them?" “Exactly .. .” On my return fight the next morning, | found myself reminiscing about the 1987-88 TV season, when | had been a writer and on-air commentator on 7he Wilton North Report, a nightly satirical hour on the Fox network that lasted only 21 shows. Critics blamed the hosts, a pair of disc jockeys who were not untalented but who were deliberately chosen for their inoffensiveness. | had previously suggested as host Conan O’ Brien, a writer on the show who also did the audience warm-ups. “No,” said the producer, “he’ s not professional enough.” Ellen DeGeneres? “Too dykey.” Chris rock? “Too raw.” Rosie O' Donnell? “Who wants to look at her every night?” Richard Belzer? “Too reptilian.” Belzer is a conspiracy researcher as well as a comedian and actor, but little did he ever dream that ultimately he—his reptilian self—could be the culmination of his own investigation. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015268

Now, back home, the marketing of conspiracy was on a roll. Mgestic, an interactive computer game revolving around a conspiracy involving corporate intrigue, was available. For $10 a month, tens of thousands of online players would receive screaming phone calls at midnight, faxes, anonymous emails and instant messages from mysterious informers directing them to research strange alien conspiracies and nefarious government activities. Majestic was suspended on September 12, 2001. The invasion of the United States on September 11th was the mother of all conspiracies. Immediately there were those who began spinning scenarios of an inside job, an American version of the Reichstag Fire, carried out in order to justify the rise of a police state in the guise of security procedures. In any case, political opportunism has been providing the same results. That Halloween, | was invited by producer Andy Meisler to be a panelist at the taping of a new TV series, 7he Conspiracy Zone. Although the plot behind the 9/11 terrorists was certainly a topic of conversation in the Green Room— “Do you think this is the endgame?” --the official subject that evening was the assassination of Robert Kennedy in 1968. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015269

On the program, hosted by former Saturday Night Live cast member Kevin Nealon, | mentioned that Kennedy had once been on the Jonight show, telling Johnny Carson that cigarettes kill more people than marijuana, and | speculated that Sirhan Sirhan was a hired gun for the tobacco companies. On a more literal note, | talked about the ballistics Inconsistency; a total of ten bullets was found, though Sirhan’ s gun could hold only eight. And | discussed the fact that psychiatrist Bernard Diamond described in Psychology Today how, during the trial, post-hypnotic suggestion was used to program Sirhan into climbing the bars of his cell like a monkey. However, in the book RFK Must Die, Robert Kaiser, who was there, wrote: “Sirhan had no idea what he was doing up on the top of the bars. When he finally discovered that climbing was not his own idea, but rather Dr. Diamond’ s, he was struck with the plausibility of the idea that perhaps he had been programmed by some else, in like manner, to kill Kennedy.” There were two others on that TV panel, plus a separate segment with a dentist who practices hypnosis. One panelist was Michael Ruppert, a former member of the Los Angeles Police Department, Narcotics Division, who became a prolific HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015270

conspiracy researcher. Off camera, | asked what the turning point had been for him. He said that it was when his fiancée, a CIA operative, tried to involve him in drug smuggling, and he refused. Ruppert and | were both columnists for High Times then, but, he told me, “I don’ t smoke grass.” The other panelist was scheduled to be former Nixon speechwriter and now bespectacled, drone-voiced personality Ben Stein, but he canceled out at the last minute. Ann Coulter, former Justice Department attorney and Senate aide, now a professional reactionary and Stepford pundit, was at the studio for a subsequent taping about secret societies, and she was drafted into taking Stein’ s place. A frequent guest on talk shows, Coulter is recognizable by her long blond hair, her short black skirt, and her drag-queen aura. When she was a guest on CNBC’ s 7he Big /dea, host Donny Deutsch asked her what an ideal country would be like, and she replied that it would be one in which everybody was a Christian. “We just want Jews to be perfected,” she said. As for Muslims, two days after the terrorist attacks on 9/11, she wrote in National Review Online “We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity.” But now, the taping of 7he Conspiracy Zone had to be delayed because she was still in the makeup room. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015271

“It takes a long time to turn Ben Stein into Ann Coulter,” | explained. During a break in the show, | suggested to her that the labels “conservative” and “liberal” had become obsolescent, and | asked what she thought might be appropriate substitute labels. “Americans and cowards,” she said. “Yikes,” | replied. On another occasion, | got a call from Conspiracy Zone producer Andy Meisler. The show was featuring debates about cover-ups, ranging from Freemasons to bar codes to Hollow Earth. “The frightening thing,” he observed, “is that life is so random. At least there’ s something comforting about conspiracies.” He was calling me for recommendations as to who might be appropriate to appear on programs about the fix behind professional sports and the fix behind the election of George Bush. (The latter topic was discarded after 9/11.) He told me that the show would also deal with “unexplained deaths,” such as Jimmy Hoffa, Marilyn Monroe and the Kennedys. “Oh, that’ s so last century,” | said. “Conspiracy research has evolved from ‘Who Killed JFK?’ to ‘Who Fucked a Lizard From Outer Space?’ “ HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015272

One other thing. My visual mantra of the man who urinated and flossed simultaneously was replaced by a patriotic image of Cathy O’ Brien: “I was ushered away from my classmates,” she said, “and taken to an office where Michigan State Senator Guy VanderJagt was waiting with soon-to-be-president Gerald Ford. They laughed as he placed a small American flag in my rectum and instructed me to wave it.” Like all politicians, though, Ford merely wrapped himself in the American flag. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015273

Swimming in the Dead Pool When Ken Kesey’ s son Jed was killed in an accident--the van carrying his University of Oregon wrestling team had skidded off a cliff--I immediately flew to Oregon. “You were his favorite,” Kesey said as we embraced, sobbing. “I feel like every cell in my body is exploding,” A few days later, several of us old friends were sitting around the dining-room table there, and someone mentioned that the Dead Kennedys were on tour. “| wonder if Ted Kennedy is gonna go see’ em,” | remarked. Kesey, standing in the kitchen, responded, “That’ s not funny.” “You' re right. | apologize. It’ s not very abstract right now.” “It' s never abstract.” | recalled that little dialogue as | began to explore The Game, now in its 34th year [2004], the longest-running dead pool in America, currently with 125 players. Before January 1st everyone submits 68 names of people who might die that year. (Dr. Death, co-founder of The Game, liked to work on a legal pad--34 lines, two columns, hence 68 names.) Points are awarded according to the age of each dead person--anybody in their 50s is worth five points; 60s, four; 70s, three. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015274

Each participant gets one wild card per year worth five points no matter how old the deceased. Gamesters generally pick one-pointers for their wild card to get four extra points. Last year, most picked Bob Hope. When he died, one Gamester said, “My father was shot during World War Il. While recuperating in England, Mr. Hope came up to his bedside and stuffed a half-dozen golf balls into his [own] mouth. It cheered my old man up.” Deaths become official when mentioned in the New York Times or any two major newspapers. One player “is extremely frustrated,” | was told. “He has Idi Amin, who is on life support in a Saudi hospital. Now there have been death threats, and armed guards have been posted.” Since the listees are all on various rungs on the ladder of celebrityhood, The Game is understandably rife with abstraction. “After all, the dead pool has probably been around since the phenomenon of fame itself,” write Gelfand and Wilkinson in the book Dead Pool “\t has certainly been around as long as gallows humor has. In the heyday of hard-boiled journalism (the Front Page days of the 1930s), reporters who covered a country ravaged by organized crime and engaged in a world war found respite in the dark humor of the dead pool. Even HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015275

before the Internet, the dead pool was slowly emerging from the shadows of our culture.” As with dead pools, ranging from business offices to Howard Stern’ s radio show, that book is a guide to profiting from money bets. But members of The Game play solely for the fun of it. Whoever has the most points at the end of the year wins-- “bragging rights only” —slightly ironic since Gamesters (lawyers, ad people, educators, psychology professors, writers, everyday working folks) all play under aliases like Frozen Stiff, Fade to Black, Worm Feast, Decomposers, 2 Dead Crew, Johnny B. Dead, Wm. Randolph Hearse, Daisy Pusher, Silk Shroud, Necrophiliac Pimp, Legion of Doom, Gang Green, Habeas Corpse, Die- Uretic, Shovelin’ Off, Blunt Instrument, Rig R. Mortis, Flatliners, Unplugged, Toe Tag, Clean Underwear and Gratefully Dead. One couple, the Moorebids, insist, “We play for honor, not bragging rights. It has to do with honoring who you get the hit on.” Another player told me, “Il compare playing The Game to my day job, science. We do a lot of data collection and data analysis; play our hunches. Our reward is not financial, but peer recognition. One selects some names to acknowledge the person. Other names are selected because earning you points is their last opportunity to do something HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015276

productive and honorable in their otherwise useless life. My most missed hit was Spiggy [Nixon’ s disgraced vice president, Spiro] Agnew; | was distressed at missing him.” Each Gamester pays $10 to Pontius, official coordinataor and editor, to keep score and report the hits. There are players in over 30 states (23 in New York), plus one each in Quito, Kuwait, England and Australia. You can become a Gamester only by being recommended by another Gamester. They’ re mostly baby boomers, attracted by a whimsical, informative style of reporting. Forty-nine Gamesters “hit” Buddy Ebsen. Obituaries mentioned that after ten days of filming 7he Wizard of Oz, Ebsen fell ill because of the aluminum make-up on his skin, and was replaced as the Tin Man by Jack Haley. (A suspicious player wondered, “Did Jack Haley add something to the aluminum make-up at the Wizard set?” ) Conversely, there have been “solo’ s” on the unexpected demise of Princess Diana and JFK, Jr. “A solo | am proud of,” one Gamester told me, “is the hit on Christian Nelson, who invented the Klondike Bar.” “Yes, it’ s sick,” another player admitted, “but c’ mon, /t’ s just a game! The Game is a light-hearted way of spitting in death’ s eye--your opportunity to pick a Generation-X rock star who OD’ s on heroin, a HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015277

geriatric blue-hair who finally kicks the bucket, a fascist totalitarian in the Mid-East who is assassinated. I’ m not doing great this year because | invested too heavily in Hamas, but I’ m still in the top ten. The IDF [Israel Defense Forces] is doing its job--I just guessed wrong. Last year | scored on Khattab, a Chechnian rebel leader who was killed by a letter he opened that was poisoned. Our first poison-pen-letter death.” But isn’ t it somewhat ghoulish? “Ghoulish?” a participant replied. “No more so than fantasy baseball. We can get up in the morning, and either pick up the newspaper or turn on the Internet to see if we scored, every day. It’ s like baseball stats, you want to move up in the standings of the veterans. The reason we Gamesters play, | would say it’ s about sty/e Style involves who you pick. Some concentrate on music, some on politics, some on sports.” As for social significance, one player explained that “The pastime has been going on for more than four hundred years, so | don’ t think it’ s reflective of any given time or society. Every Gamester comes with their own perspective. The Game is irreverent, even a bit shocking, and some take pleasure in that. It’ s a poke to the ribs that lie beneath stuffed shirts, a tweak of bluenoses. The Game is a competition—challenging, engaging and energizing. The Game heightens awareness and helps us to HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015278

recognize our kinship with those whose deaths we note. The Game is a way of sharing and staying in touch with friends, whether near or far. It gives people a reason to call and correspond.” Pontius’ s predecessor, Ghostwriter, had thanked many folks in his farewell message, including “Persephone, who enabled me to say, ‘Yes,/ when a friend here in Central New York said, ‘Do you know a good adoption lawyer in Arkansas?’ It was my greatest cameo role, my finest hour as a networker, and | couldn’ t have done it without The Game and this wise, wonderful woman.” The Game’ s listserv emails are titled “It'’ s a Hit!” They can be poignant, respectful, even sentimental: “July 4th—A score of swaying Gamesters were heard singing ‘Il Can’ t Get Enough of Your Love, Babe’ as each collected a five-note from velvety-voiced singer Barry White .. .” Or they can sound like a warhorse race: “July 22nd—Mosul, Iraq. Qusay and Uday, the brutal and powerful sons of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, were ambushed by Special Forces and the 101st Airborne that resulted in a deadly four-hour firefight. Enjoying the best day of his career was Tomb Essence who had a 14-point Daily Double. . .” But The Game giveth and the Game taketh away: “August 21st—British and American armed forces in lraqg announced today that HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015279

they had arrested Ali Hasan al-Majid, aka Chemical Ali. Back in April 2003, the British armed forces announced they had killed him. Tomb Essence celebrated then, but is crying like a baby now.” Animals have also been “scored,” from Morris the Cat to Dolly the cloned sheep to Keiko the killer whale. Choices can get personal, though. A player told me, “I purposely Left off a good friend [former New York Post editor Jerry Nachman] who | knew was dying, and one of our game mates refused to list a friend’ s [famous] mother who knew she was dying. Sometimes we just don’ t want to ‘cashin’ on our friends’ pain. How un-American of us.” Gamesters have scored on all the Kennedys as well as Lorraine Petersen, the model on the Sunmaid Raisins box. But, under the title “It' s Nota Hit!" came this email: “August 9 th—The entire Game failed to list dancer and actor Gregory Hines, 57.". In The Game’ s 2001 Hit List, under the subhead “Other Notable Deaths That No One Picked,” included was “Ken Kesey, 11/1201, author, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’ s Nest." | had a visceral reaction. This was not abstract. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015280

“| never could decide if leaving Kesey off my list was the right thing to do,” one Gamester told me. “The Merry Pranksters obviously inspired my non de plume, the Bury Pranksters.” HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015281

Trashing the Right to Read Before Kenneth Foster’ s death sentence was revoked at the last minute in August 2007, he had read a book, We/come to the Terrordome, and he wrote a letter to the author, Dave Zirin: | have never had the opportunity to view sports in this way. And as | went through these revelations | began to have epiphanies about the way sports have a similar existence in prison. The similarities shook me. Facing execution, the only thing that | began to get obsessive about was how to get heard and be free, and as the saying goes, you can’ t serve two gods. Sports, as you know, becomes a way of life. You monitor it, you almost come to breathe it. Sports becomes a way of life in prison, because it becomes a way of survival. For men that don’ t have family or friends to help them financially, it becomes a way to occupy your time. That’ s another sad story in itself, but it’ s the root to many men’ s obsession with sports. Zirin writes, “It didn’ t matter if he was on death row or Park Avenue, | felt smarter having read his words. But even more satisfying was the thought that thinking about sports took his mind--for a moment-- away from his imminent death, the 11-year-old daughter he will never touch, and the words he will never write. | thought sending him my first book, What’ s My Name, Fool?: Sports and Resistance in the U.S., would be a good follow-up.” HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015282

But a form titled “Texas Dept. of Criminal Justice, Publication Review” was banned from Death Row because “It contains material that a reasonable person would construe as written solely for the purpose of communicating information designed to achieve the breakdown of prisons through offender disruption such as strikes or riots." Two pages were specifically mentioned. Page 44 includes a quote from Jackie Robinson’ s autobiography referring to the blatant racism he suffered early in his rookie season: “I felt tortured and | tried to just play ball and ignore the insults but it was really getting to me. For one wild and rage-crazed moment | thought, ‘To hell with Mr. Rickey’ s noble experiment. To hell with the image of the patient black freak | was supposed to create.’ | could throw down my bat, stride over to that Phillies dugout, grab one of those white sons of bitches, and smash his teeth in with my despised black fist. Then | could walk away from it all.” And page 55 includes a passage about Jack Johnson’ s defeat of the “Great White Hope,” Jim Jeffries: “Johnson was faster, stronger and smarter than Jeffries. He knocked Jeffries out with ease. After Johnson’ s victory, there were race riots around the country in Illinois, Missouri, New York, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Colorado, Texas and Washington, D.C. Most of HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015283

the riots consisted of white lynch mobs attacking blacks, and blacks fighting back. This reaction to a boxing match was one of the most widespread racial uprisings in the U.S. until the 1968 assassination of civil rights leader Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.” Zirin points out that “There was a time in Texas when it was illegal to teach slaves to read. The fear was that ideas could turn anger often directed inward into action against those with their boots on black necks. It is perhaps the most fitting possible tribute to Jackie Robinson and Jack Johnson that they still strike fear into the hearts of those wearing the boots.” In the Dallas County jail, one of the largest in the country, a// publications are refused, including daily newspapers such as the Dallas Morning News. “They seem to have a rather callous disregard for the Constitution,” said Paul Wright, publisher of Seattle-based Prison Legal News, with a circulation of 9,000. He filed a federal lawsuit challenging the ban on First Amendment grounds, and won. His lawyer, Scott Medlock, prisoner rights attorney with the Texas Civil Rights Project, points out that some jails have argued that prisoners can watch TV news in jail, so they don’ t need access to publications. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015284

Prison Legal News is also preparing a lawsuit against the Utah Department of Corrections for a policy that bars all books except those that are shipped directly from Barnes & Noble. Generally, prisons require that books be sent directly from the publisher or a major distributor, for security reasons. Otherwise, a spokesperson for one jail explains, “There’ s a possibility something could be in one of the pages that we don’ t want. There could be little bits of drugs in the pages.” “We have not yet sued them.” Wright told me, “since they only sporadically censor us and aren’ t letting us develop a good fact pattern.” A spokesperson for the Los Angeles County Sheriff’ s Department said that its jails allow inmates to receive books from booksellers after checking to see whether they can be fashioned into a weapon, promote violence or have sexually explicit content. Across the country, only paperbacks are accepted. Hardcovers are rejected because they provide “source material” for fashioning weapons. When the Supreme Court ruled that law libraries did not have to be provided to prisoners, jails in Montana not only removed the entire contents of the law library, but they also removed the typewriters. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015285

Washington State has tried to keep Prison Legal News itself out of prisons. First, the Department of Corrections prohibited inmates from receiving nonprofits. PLA/sued and won. Next, the state issued a rule that inmates couldn’ t receive publications that were paid out of their trust accounts. PLN managed to get that rule overturned too. Then the prisons adopted a policy of not delivering subscription-renewal notices. PLN took that to court and succeeded in getting the policy reversed. PLN has won similar lawsuits or settlements in Alabama, California, Michigan, Nevada and Oregon. While serving five years in a California prison for growing medical marijuana, Todd McCormick contributed a couple of stories--about his experiences with psilocybin and ketamine--to my anthology, Magic Mushrooms and Other Highs: From Toad Slime to Ecstasy, and when it was published, | immediately sent him a copy. But the warden rejected it “because on pages 259-261, it describes the process of squeezing toads to obtain illicit substances which could be detrimental to the security, good order and discipline of the institution.” This was pure theater of cruelty. Federal correctional facilities do not have a toad problem, and outside accomplices have not been catapulting loads of toads over barbed wire fences to provide the fuel for a HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015286

prison riot. McCormick wrote to me, “Can you believe this shit! | wonder how much we pay the guy/girl who actually sits and reads every book that comes in for offending passages. How about you tear out pages 259-261 and re-send this book back with a copy of the rejection and a notation that the offending pages have been removed.” Which is exactly what | did. This time, though, my cover letter to the warden was ignored, and the book was returned, stamped “Unauthorized.” _| had called their bluff. Obviously, McCormick was being punished simply because he could be. | then corresponded with several prison correspondents around the country to find out what inmates had not been allowed to read. | wanted to see other examples of arbitrary and frivolous censorship by prison personnel. Here are some results of my informal survey: * "The Texas Department of Corrections blocked Bo Lozoff' s Breaking Out of Jail, a book about teaching meditation to prison inmates.” * "Disallowed: 7rainspotting because of its ‘glorification of drug use.’ Tom Robbins’ Sti// Life With Woodpecker because it has a chapter that ‘contains information about bombmaking.’ ” HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015287

* “An inmate couldn’ t get nude pictures of his wife sent to him but he could get a subscription to Playboy. The rationale: A wife deserved more respect.” * “They kept out 7he Anarchists Cookbook. And no kiddie porn, no tales or photos suggesting sex with a guard, no photos showing frontal or rear nudity--not even a wife or friend.” * “The Utah prison system banned Rolling Stone as being an anarchist publication.” * "A Revolution in Kindness is banned from the Louisiana State Penitentiary at Angola as_ ‘a threat to internal security.’ It was intended for Herman Wallace, who contributed an essay about how he organized a chess tournament on his cellblock as a way of easing tensions and minimizing violence between inmates. Wallace is one of the Angola Three, Black Panthers who have been in solitary confinement for [more than three decades] trying to improve conditions in the ‘bloodiest prison in America’ in the early 1970s.” * “All hardback books forbidden, because the covers could be fashioned into weapons. Educational textbooks--a new rule precludes prisoners on Death Row [including this particular prisoner] or in lockdown from taking correspondence courses--and |’ ve had a couple of books HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015288

returned to sender on the claim they appeared to be for a course. MAPS [Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies]--their publication was sent back several times because maps are not allowed in here. High Times was repeatedly denied because it posed a danger to the safe, secure and orderly operation of the institution. ‘Smut mags’ like Hust/er are reviewed monthly.” * “There’ s a whole new genre of men’ s magazines--Maxim, Stuff, For Him--which show it all except for nipples and beaver. Now the feds want to ban Maxim due to ‘security’ reasons. The ‘rejected mail’ slip they send you when some verboten material arrives has boxes to check (to specify offending matter), one of which says ‘pubic hair.’ ” * “Peace activist William Combs spent eight days in_ solitary confinement for receiving and sharing with other inmates what federal authorities consider disruptive, if not subversive, political literature. The offending ‘propaganda’ included commentary by such extremists as Bill Moyers and Ellen Goodman, and included an article published in Reader’ s Digest. The common thread was that they all questioned the wisdom of government policy.” HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015289

The name of the game is control in the guise of security--a microcosm of the nation outside prison walls--the practice of power without compassion. After Magic Mushrooms and Other Highs was rejected for the second time, | appealed to the Regional Director of the Bureau of Prisons (as instructed by the warden) for an independent review. | also wrote to the ACLU. | heard back from neither. Todd McCormick was released from prison in December 2003. Among so many other things to catch up on, he would finally be able to read what he had written. However, he was discharged to a halfway house, where all his books and magazines were confiscated as “paraphernalia.” Postscript: Prisoners at a jail in South Carolina are being denied any reading material other than the Bible. In May 2011, the ACLU asked a federal judge to block enforcement of that policy. A staff member at the prison told plaintiff Prison Lega/ News. “Our inmates are only allowed to receive soft back bibles in the mail directly from the publisher. They are not allowed to have magazines, newspapers, or any other type of books.” There is no library there, and since 2008, all copies of Prison Legal News that were sent to prisoners have been “returned to sender.” HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015290

In July 2017, the national Human Rights Defense Center organization has filed a federal lawsuit against the Kentucky Department of Corrections for violating free speech. It has unconstitutionally blocked the delivery of many books to state prisoners, including the Prisoner Diabetes Handbook, the Merriam-Webster Dictionary of Law, and the Prisoners Self-Help Litigation Manual. Welcome to Camp Mogul My irreverent friend, Khan Manka, Chairman & CEO of Manka Brothers Studios, had broken his ankle and was afraid he wouldn’ t be able to attend the 26th annual gathering of the nation’ s most powerful executives and their trophy wives in Sun Valley, Idaho. | really wanted to spy on this 2008 summer camp for billionaires, so | suggested that Manka get a wheelchair, then | could serve as his official wheelchair pusher, and he immediately went for the idea. This by-now traditional five-day extravaganza for three hundred guests was hosted by Wall Street investment banker Herbert Allen, President and CEO of Allen & Company. There were moguls all over the campground, overflowing with the country’ s most influential leaders in HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015291

business, entertainment and media. | could feel myself developing a severe case of imposter syndrome. Saturday was Talent Night, and it was absolutely hysterical. Part- time Sun Valley resident Tom Hanks served as the emcee. Warren Buffett was the opening act, performing a medley of Jimmy Buffett songs, all rendered out of tune. Amazon.com founder Jeff Bezos skillfully juggled five Kindles (wireless electronic books). Edgar Bronfman from Warner Music--dressed like the character Tevya in Fiddler on the Roof-sang with zest, “If | Were a Rich Man.” Yahoo CEO Jerry Yang--who had previously turned down an offer from Microsoft to buy Yahoo--sang a duet with the ex-CEO of Microsoft, Bill Gates, harmonizing on a song from Annie Get Your Gun, “Anything You Can Do, | Can Do Better.”. Meg Whitman of EBay did a striptease, auctioning off each item of clothing, one at a time, and over 3 million dollars was raised for an unnamed charity. Oracle Corp. CEO Larry Ellison gave a hilarious lecture on “How to Destroy Evidence and Make False Statements.” There had been a lot of drinking in the evening, and it was obviously too much booze that loosened up Fox mogul Rupert Murdoch’ s tongue. He was shouting at the moon: “Who says there are twenty-seven million slaves around the world? And where the fuck can / get one? How would HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015292

anybody know it’ s twenty-seven million anyway? Do they have census takers or whaf? You tell me! I’ Il decide!” Also, a screaming match broke out between Google co-founder Sergei Brin and Google CEO Eric Schmidt, over the infamous cover of the New Yorker, which depicted Barack and Michelle Obama as the new President and First Lady, a terrorist couple doing that fist-bump gesture in the Oval Office. Sergei thought it was a brilliant satirical illustration, but Eric thought it was racist and irresponsible. Last year, the surprise guest was former British Prime Minister Tony Blair. This year, it was Steven Beschloss, the editor of a new magazine, scheduled to be launched in October 2008 and be delivered to 100,000 U.S. households with an average net worth of $25 million. There were piles of preview copies scattered about. While Beschloss was holding court in an outdoor area, annoying mosquitoes kept buzzing around the crowd. Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of Facebook, yelled at him, “Il guess we’ Il never hear your readers whining about a mental recession. And those of your subscribers who were in the sub-prime mortgage industry--these mosquitoes are their fault, because, along with all the home foreclosures they’ re responsible HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015293

for, the stagnant water in abandoned pools turns into new breeding grounds for mosquitoes.” Someone yelled out, “Where are you from, In-Your-Facebook?” Others drowned out Zuckerberg’ s apparently serious rant by singing the mogul version of a couple of good old-fashioned camp songs, “This Land Is My Land, This Land Is My Land” and “KumBuyYahoo.” — | couldn’ t help but notice that billionaire activist Carl Icahn snapped his fingers as if having an epiphany; a week later he ended up on Yahoo’ s board of directors. Khan Manka explained that the bigwigs at these events have so- called “informal” meetings which always take place where a pair of individuals can have their discussions alone without any interruption--on the golf course, hiking along an isolated trail, fly-fishing at Silver Creek-- but Manka had been privy to only one specific example that he could share. “Back in 1995," he told me, “Disney honcho Michael Eisner met with Robert Iger, who was then the head of ABC. And exactly one month later, these two giant companies merged into one media megamonster. Coincidence? | don’ t think so. Their deal had been sealed when Eisner HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015294

and Iger exchanged friendship bracelets that they had worked on at Camp Mogul.” HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015295

HIGHER THAN THOU HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015296

Checkmating With Pawns It was a hot day at the chess tournament in Phoenix, Arizona—103 degrees, to be exact—and 14-year-old Nathaniel Dight was elated over his custom-made chess set. Those carved wooden pieces had been weighted precisely for the smooth moves he liked to make. Each one had been lacquered and, for this extreme heat, carefully protected by matte acrylic spray. But before the game could begin, young Nathaniel was ordered to take a urine test. “| know why you’ re doing this,” he snarled. “It' s because |’ ve won three tournaments in a row, isn’ t it?” “No, son, that’ s just a coincidence. This is a random drug test.” “| don’ t do any drugs. | mean like when | get a headache from playing chess too long, | won’ t even take an aspirin.” “Look, here’ sa cup. |! need you to go fill it, right now... .” All right, | confess, | made all that up, but consider the implications of something that | haven’ tmade up: America’ s drug czar, Barry McCaffrey, wrote in an article published in Chess Life magazine: “Research proves that mentoring youngsters and teaching them games like chess can build resilience in the face of illegal HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015297

drug use and other destructive temptations. Drug testing is as appropriate for chess players as for shot-putters, or any other competitors who use their heads as well as their hands.” Accompanying the television image of a couple of eggs sizzling in a frying pan, the phrase, “This is your brain on drugs” has always carried negative connotations, but apparently General McCaffrey has changed his mind about that. He now seems to believe that drugs can actually /mprove the way your brain functions. There was an infamous chess player named Alexander Alekhine who held the world championship longer than anybody else. His games often had superb surprise endings, known in chess circles as_ “brilliancies.” For instance, he would checkmate with a pawn move that no sane and sober mind could ever imagine. However, he was a notorious alcoholic, and McCaffrey is only referring to illegal drugs. “Just when | thought I’ d heard it all from McCaffrey,” was the reaction of Allen St. Pierre, executive director of the NORML (National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws) Foundation. “Drug testing for chess players? What’ s next from this overreaching drug czar? Drug testing for tiddlywinks players? How about bingo players?” HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015298

Moreover, McCaffrey’ s proposal smacks of subliminal racism. Social psychologist Walli Leff tells me, “I think most of the movement to involve young people in chess is directed toward the African-American community, and the assumption Is, if the kids are black they’ re going to be drug users. | think white middle-class suburban parents would have a fit if their kids had to take drug tests for their extracurricular activities. Or am | out of it and am _| missing a new, white middle-class suburban submissiveness?” McCaffrey had been influenced by Chesschild, a group sponsored by the Office of National Drug Control Policy (ONDCP). Chesschild is a substance abuse prevention program conducted in libraries and schools, promoting a combination of drug-free lifestyles and chess. “Policy recommendations like this one from ONDCP,” said St. Pierre, “demonstrate a deep and disturbing pathology that goes well beyond opposing drug-law reform efforts.” Maybe the drug-law reformers should follow the example of gay- rights activists by having celebrities come out of the pot-smoking closet. Already, veteran stand-up comic George Carlin—in an interview by 7he Daily Show’ s Jon Stewart following Carlin’ s HBO special—admitted that HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015299

he smokes a joint to help him “fine-tune” his material. “One hit is all | need now and it’ s punch-up time.” At the Shadow Convention that took place while the Democrats were in Los Angeles, Bill Maher revealed to the audience, “I’ m not just a pot reformer, I’ m a user” —something which ABC forbids him to say on Politically Incorrect—then quickly added, “Just making a light remark there, federal authorities.” Actor and hemp activist Woody Harrelson has stated, “lI do smoke.” Willie Nelson confirmed in his autobiography that he smoked pot in the White House. And on KRLA, radio talk-show host Michael Jackson’ s program, Michelle Phillips, actress and former member of the Mamas and the Papas, said that she still enjoys smoking marijuana. Just as Ellen DeGeneres appeared on the cover of 7/ME magazine saying, “Yep, I’ m gay,” there might come a day when a presidential candidate will appear on the cover of Newsweek saying, “Yep, |’ m stoned.” Isn’ t that what young pot-smokers need—good role models—so they won’ t be ashamed of their private pleasure seeking? Meanwhile, drug czar McCaffrey would continue his crusade, not only against illegal substances, but perhaps also against certain food supplements, such as a popular herbal mixture with a reputation for aiding HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015300

memory and concentration. Who could ever have dreamed that chess players might get in trouble for using ginkgo biloba as a performance enhancer? HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015301

Tim Leary, Ram Dass, and Me In 1964, | assigned Robert Anton Wilson to write a front-cover article in The Realist, which he titled “Timothy Leary and His Psychological H- Bomb.” When that issue was published, Leary invited me to visit the Castalia Foundation, his borrowed estate in Millbrook, New York. The name Castalia came from 7he Bead Game by Herman Hesse, and indeed, the game metaphor permeated our conversation. Leary talked about the way people are always trying to get you onto their game- boards. He discussed the biochemical process “imprinting” with the Same passion that he claimed he didn’ t believe anything he was saying, but somehow | managed to believe him when he told me that | had an honest mind. “| have to admit,” | said, “that my ego can’ t help but respond to your observation.” “Listen,” he assured me, “anybody who tells you he’ s transcended his ego .. .” Leary and his research partner, Ram Dass (then Richard Alpert) were about to do a lecture series on the West Coast. At the University of California in Berkeley, there was an official announcement that the HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015302

distribution only of “informative” literature (as opposed to “persuasive” literature) would be permitted on campus, giving rise to the Free Speech Movement, with thousands of students protesting the ban in the face of police billy clubs. Leary argued that such demonstrations played right onto the game boards of the administration and the police alike, and that the students could shake up the establishment much more if they would just stay in their rooms and change their nervous systems. But it wasn't really a case of either-or. You could protest and explore your 13-billion-cell mind simultaneously. | became intrigued by the playful and subtle patterns of awareness that Leary and Alpert manifested. If their brains had been so damaged, as mythologized by mainstream media, how come their perceptions were so sharp? | began to research the LSD phenomenon, and in April 1965 | returned to Millbrook for my first acid experience. Tim Leary was supposed to be my guide, but he had gone off to India. Dick Alpert was supposed to take his place, but he was too involved in getting ready to open at the Village Vanguard as a comedian- philosopher. | chatted with him for a while. He was soaking his body in a bathtub, preparing his psyche for the Vanguard gig. He had taken 300 acid HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015303

trips, but there | was, a first-timer, standing in the open doorway, reversing roles and comforting him in his anxiety about entering show business. When | told my mother about taking LSD, she was quite concerned. She warned me, “It could lead to marijuana.” And she was right. It did. After Leary got arrested in Texas for possession of pot, the notoriety of his research in Millbrook spread. Law enforcement in nearby Poughkeepsie, led by Assistant District Attorney G. Gordon Liddy, raided the estate. In the summer of 1966, Leary and his associates ran a two-week seminar on consciousness expansion, culminating in a_ theatrical production of Hesse's Steppenwo/flegend that weaved its way around the Millbrook grounds and buildings. Leary invited Liddy and members of the grand jury that indicted him, but none showed up. Leary told me about prominent people whose lives had been changed by taking LSD: actor Cary Grant, director Otto Preminger, think- tanker Herman Kahn, Alcoholics Anonymous founder Bill Wilson, 7/ME magazine publishers Henry and Clare Boothe Luce. Of course, it wasn't so difficult to drop out when you had such a stimulating scene to drop into. On the day that he announced the formation of a new religion, the League for Spiritual Discovery (LSD), | signed up as their first heretic. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015304

Alpert and | enjoyed what he called “upleveling” each other with honesty. On one occasion, we were at a party. | was particularly manic and he pointed it out, choosing an eggbeater as his analogy. | appreciated his reflection and calmed down. On stage at the Village Theater, Alpert was sitting in the lotus position on a cushion, talking about his mother dying and how there seemed to be a conspiracy on the part of relatives and hospital personnel alike to deny her the realization of that possibility. He also talked about some fellow in a mental institution who thought he was Jesus Christ. Conversely, | teased him about discussing his mother openly but concealing the fact that the man who thought he was Christ was his brother--death obviously carrying more respectability than craziness. At his next performance, Alpert identified the man as his brother. kok # The essential difference between Tim Leary and G. Gordon Liddy was that Leary wanted people to use LSD as a vehicle for expanding consciousness, whereas Liddy wanted to put LSD on the steering wheel of columnist Jack Anderson’ s car, thereby making a political assassination look like an automobile accident. But who could have predicted that, HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015305

sixteen years after the original arrest, Leary would end up traveling around with Liddy in a series of debates? | attended the debate in Berkeley in April 1982. Leary warned the audience that Liddy was a lawyer-- “trained in the adversary process, not to seek truth. | was trained as a scientist--looking for truth, delighted to be proved wrong.” He confessed that “Liddy is the Moriarty to my Sherlock Holmes--the adversary | always wanted--he is the Darth Vader to my Mr. Spock.” “As long as it's not Doctor Spock,” said Liddy. He argued that “the rights of the state transcend those of the individual.” Not that he was without compassion. “I feel sorry,” he admitted, “for anybody who uses drugs for aphrodisiacal purposes.” “Gordon doesn't know anything about drugs,” countered Leary. “It's probably his only weakness.” He looked directly at Liddy. “It's my duty to turn you on,” he said, “and I'm gonna do it before these debates are over.” Then he made a unique offer: “I'll eat a rat if you'll eat a hashish cookie.” Liddy turned down the offer--one can carry machismo only so far, and he had to draw the line somewhere--but he did provide appropriate grist for my own stand-up comedy mill. According to Liddy's book, he HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015306

actually ate a rat. He did it to overcome his fear of eating rats. Certainly a direct approach to the problem. None of that gesta/t shit. Now, I'm not sure how he ate the rat, whether he just stuck it between a couple of slices of bread, or barbecued it first, or chopped the rat up and mixed it with vegetables in a stew. But there were rumors that when Leary and Liddy were on tour, the Psychedelic Liberation Front found out their itinerary and began feeding hash brownies to rats and releasing them, one by one, in Liddy's room at the various motels he stayed at, while he was debating, in the hope that nature would sooner or later take its course, and one night Liddy would feel in the mood for a midnight snack, catch the rat that was left in the room, eat it and, by extension, the hash brownie the rat had eaten, and then Liddy would think he got stoned from eating the rat. This would, of course, be right on the borderline on the ethics of dosing. kok # Each tablet of Owsley White Lightning contained 300 micrograms of LSD. | had purchased a large enough supply from Alpert to finance his trip to India. The day before he left to meditate for six months, we sat in a restaurant discussing the concept of choiceless awareness while trying to decide what to order on the menu. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015307

In India, he gave his guru three tablets, and apparently nothing happened. Alpert's postcard to me beckoned, “Come fuck the universe with me.” Instead, | stayed tripping in America, where | kept my entire stash of acid in a bank vault deposit box. Richard Alpert returned as Baba Ram Dass. Eventually, he dropped the Baba. He was now just plain Ram Dass. His father called him Rum Dum. His brother called him Rammed Ass. One afternoon he was visiting me, and | taped our conversation. “In 1963," | said, “I predicted as a joke that Tiny Tim would get married on the Johnny Carson show, and in 1969 it happened. You and | talked about that, and you called it ‘astral humor,’ but | never knew exactly what you meant by that phrase.” “Well, it's like each plane of reality is in a sense a manifestation of a plane prior to it, and you can almost see it like layers, although to think of it in space is a fallacy because it's all the same space, but you could think of it that way. And so there are beings on upper planes who are instruments of the law. | talk about miracles a lot, but | don't live in the world of miracles, because they're not miracles to me. I'm just dealing with the humor of the miracle concept from within the plane where it seems HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015308

like a miracle, which is merely because of our very narrow concept of how the universe works.” Ram Dass knew of my involvement with conspiracy theory. “I'm just involved in a much greater conspiracy,” he continued. “You can't grasp the size of the conspiracy | understand--but there's no conspirator--it's the wrong word. That's why | say it's just natural law. It is all perfect.” “Would you agree with the concept--what William Blake said, that humans were created ‘for joy and woe'--the implication of which is that there will always be suffering?” “| think that suffering is part of man's condition, and that's what the incarnation is about, and that's what the human plane is.” So | asked Ram Dass, “If you and | were to exchange philosophies-- if | believed in reincarnation and you didn't--how do you think our behavior would change?” He paused fora moment. “Well,” he said, “if you believed in reincarnation, you would never ask a question like that.” And then his low chuckle of amusement and surprise blossomed into an uproarious belly laugh of delight and triumph as he savored the implications of his own Zen answer. | would find myself playing that segment of the tape with his bell-shaped spasm of laughter over and over again, like a favorite piece of music. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015309

Remembering Scott Kelman Scott Kelman had seen me perform stand-up satire at Town Hall in New York in 1962, and again twenty years later at the LA. Stage Company in Hollywood. He moved to Los Angeles and in 1984 launched an alternative theater in the grungy, old, industrial skid-row area of downtown. He named it the Wallenboyd (at the corner of Wall and Boyd) Theater and invited me to open there as soon as it was completed. In fact, on the first night of my performances, the crew was still banging in the final nails. At the time, | was living in San Francisco, so Scott slept at his office and | stayed at his apartment in Venice Beach. A year later, | moved to an apartment on that same block. Scott became my producer and my close friend. We never had any need for a signed contract. As my producer, he would occasionally give me suggestions and | would follow those that | felt worked for me. He’ d say in his distinctive gravelly voice (he was addicted to cigarettes), “It doesn’ t matter if you fuck up—it’ s how you recover.” That was theatrical advice, but it also applied to life. And it was a two-way street. For Scott, whatever happened in life automatically became grist for his theatrical mill. He was an exemplary HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015310

explorer. Knowing | was an unbeliever, he once asked me, “What do atheists say during sex when they come?” “Oh, no-God!" | responded, interspersing those words with moans and groans. “Oh, no-God! Oh, no-God! Oh, no-God!" He suggested that | expand that concept into a stage piece, and it evolved into a ten-minute meditation on the relationship between religion and orgasms. Scott conducted theatrical workshops, and one of his students was John Densmore, the former drummer for The Doors. “I stumbled into the downtown art scene,” Densmore told me, “after a big peak in rock’ n’ roll. It felt as creative as the’ 60s. | now get off on the process, and it doesn’ t matter if it’ s fifty people at the Wallenboyd or twenty thousand at Madison Square Garden, it’ s the work that rings my bell.” Scott also produced Peter Bergman, of the Firesign Theatre. Scott thought that Peter, Paul and Harrywould be a great title for an evening of political satire at the Museum of Contemporary Art. He asked the curator if she knew of an appropriate performer named Harry. She suggested Harry Shearer. Scott asked me about him. “He’ s brilliant,” | said, “let’ s do it." And so he produced a completely sold-out series that was extended for two weekends. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015311

But if Harry had been named after his other grandfather, there wouldn’ t have been a Peter, Paul and Harry. Each of us prepared to perform in our own particular way. Peter stared at himself in the mirror and made strange sounds to exercise his vocal cords. Harry sat in a separate room where his makeup woman, who had flown in from lowa, transformed him into Derek Smalls from the mockumentary Sp/na/ Tap. And | was off hiding behind some boxes, toking away on a joint of the marijuana that served as my creative fuel. Scott was sure that | performed better when | wasn’ t high, and he was under the impression | was straight when he told me one night, “That was the best show you’ ve ever done.” | confessed that | had smoked a giant doobie before | went onstage. The irony was that Scott sold pot to help pay the rent, and that was exactly the stash that got me stoned that night. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015312

The 20 Anniversary of the Summer of Love | never went to any of my high school or college reunions, but | couldn't resist attending the twentieth anniversary of the Summer of Love in San Francisco. At noon on the summer solstice of 1987, young and middle-aged hippies--gray hair and potbellies, but not having erased a certain gleam in their eyes--were marching in an All Beings parade down Haight Street. Costumes ranged from a giant snail to Zippy the Pinhead. One fellow still in civilian clothes explained, “Il was supposed to be Tarzan, but | had to wash the dishes.” Local countercultural fixtures were all there: The Mime Troupe, Rosie Radiator and her fleet of tap dancers, the Automatic Human Juke Box, and a panhandler asking, “Can you spare a hundred dollars?” The buses now had posters that suggested Shop the Haight. The charm of that entrepreneurial urge was not to be confused with the mission of the Haight-Ashbury Preservation Society, whose targets were symbolized by a walking Big Mac cheeseburger, a prisoner of Thrifty’ s in chain-store chains, mock pallbearers carrying a casket to mourn the wished-for death of Round Table Pizza, a sign warning Don't Mall the Haight! and somebody in a Merlin the Magician outfit with a HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015313

placard, You don't need magic to tight the franchising. A lone, sad-faced clown bore a banner with a white dove in a red heart. In Golden Gate Park, an emcee asked the crowd a series of rhetorical questions to rev them up: “How many people were here in the sixties? . .. How many are here now? ... How many don't know? ... How many don't care?” A musician announced, “We were told not to have amplifiers, but we decided to break the law today.” Hog Farmer Sharon Share-alike offered her roll of hard candy to novelist Herb Gold, which immediately aroused his fear of dosing. He asked, “These really are Life Savers, right?” The Summer of Love reunion continued at the I-Beam, a disco on Haight Street. On stage, | compared the decades: In the sixties, marijuana was ten dollars an ounce. In the eighties, it's three hundred. In the sixties, teenagers used to hide their pot smoking from their parents. In the eighties, parents have to hide it from their kids. In the sixties, the favorite chemical drug was LSD. In the eighties, it's Ecstasy. In the sixties, Ken Kesey wasn't allowed to donate blood because he had ingested acid. In the eighties, there are those who are afraid to get a blood transfusion because of AIDS. In the sixties, Lenny Bruce got arrested for saying “cocksucker” on stage. In the eighties, Meryl Streep got an Academy Award for saying it in Sophie's Choice. Now, almost the entire audience at a Grateful Dead concert is younger than the number of years the band has been together--but these kids have less deconditioning to go through than we did. They have less innocence to lose. When a group of students and other protesters, including Abbie Hoffman and Amy Carter (the president’ s daughter), won their case against CIA recruiting on campus by using a_ “necessity defense,” attorney Leonard Weinglass told me that the turning point for the HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015314

jury was the testimony of Ralph McGehee, who revealed how he had been recruited right off the football field by the CIA, only to become a star player in their assassination-squad program. Members of the jury would not have voted that way in the sixties because they weren't prepared to believe such testimony as they are in the eighties. In the sixties, we knew that the CIA was smuggling heroin from Southeast Asia. And in the eighties we know that they're smuggling cocaine from Central America. The same planes that fly weapons for the contras to airports in Panama, Honduras and Costa Rica come back to Florida, Louisiana and Arkansas with their cargoes filled to the brim with cocaine, even though the administration is carrying on its anti-drug campaign. The pilots only have to be careful to evade the radar screen. So while Nancy Reagan is saying, “Just say no,” the CIA is saying, “Just fly low.” Meanwhile, the quality of co-option had not been strained. The slogan “Today is the first day of the rest of your life’ was used in a TV commercial for Total breakfast cereal. Tampax promoted its tampon as “Something over thirty you can trust.” Beatles songs were used to sell cars, or, if you preferred to walk, they also sold sneakers. 7ime magazine was being peddled by the Byrds’ version of Pete Seeger's song, “Turn, Turn, Turn” --based on Ecclesiastes—t here's a time for this and a time for that, get it? The Youngbloods once sent a copy of their song “Get Together” to every member of Congress and the Senate, with a suggestion that it be established as the new national anthem, but who could ever have guessed HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015315

that it was really destined to become a jingle in a jeans commercial? Or that a Jefferson Airplane song would be used in a bank commercial? Or that Timothy Leary would model a Gap shirt for a full-page ad in /nterview, and Ram Dass would peddle a rejuvenating skin cream at a Saks Fifth Avenue counter? People magazine was selling the twentieth anniversary of the Summer of Love with a feature story set off by a double-paged cover with psychedelic artist Peter Max's signature on both pages. In red spray paint, on a brick wall just off Haight Street, standing out among the graffiti like John Hancock's signature on the Declaration of Independence, this message summed it all up: Love /s Revenue. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015316

POLITICS HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015317

The Last Election The Republicans’ party line that Barack Obama was “palling around with terrorists” didn’ t work, although some people believed it because then they wouldn’ t need a racist reason not to vote for Obama. Next, the campaign acted as though his advocacy of age-appropriate sex education for kindergarteners meant putting condoms on cucumbers. That didn’ t work, either. Then John McCain tried calling him a_ “socialist.” Also didn’ t work. Ironically, Socialist Party candidate Norman Thomas ran for president six times, and never won, but every one of his platform planks were eventually adopted by Democrats and _ Republican administrations alike. They just didn’ t ca//it socialism. In January 2009, Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson stated that God told him America is headed for veritable socialism as well as an economic rebound under President-elect Obama. “What the Lord was saying,” he claimed, “the people are willing to accept socialism to alleviate their pain. Cast off all the gloom and the doom because things are getting ready to turn around. | say with humility, | hope |’ ve heard the Lord. | spend time praying and asking him for wisdom, and if there’ sa mistake, it’ s not his fault, it’ s mine.” Humility in action. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015318

In any case, one of the factors in Obama’ s win was indeed the confidence-destroying financial crisis, and now he faces a food chain of euphemisms. Hey, is this like the Great Depression? Nah, it’ s not a depression, it’ s only a recession. Wait, it’ s not a recession, it’ s just an economic downturn. No, it’ s not an economic downturn, it’ s a correction. Oops, it’ s not a correction, it’ s an adjustment. Hurry, get me a chiropractor. Similarly, there’ s a food-chain of solutions to the problem. From the Troubled Asset Relief Program to the Bailout Bill to the Rescue Package to the Emergency Economic Stability Act to Alan Greenspan confessing “My bad” to Free Botox for Everybody. Perhaps the most bizarre byproduct of the campaign began with an anonymous ad on Craigslist, headlined: “Need Sarah Palin Lookalike ASAP for Adult Film.” The pay would be $3,000 and, it was duly noted, “No anal required.” This porn flick, it turned out, would be shot by Hustler Video, and no, Tina Fey did not apply for the job. The climactic scene was a threesome with Sarah Palin, Condoleezza Rice and Hillary Clinton. Hillary was played by veteran porn star and sex educator Nina Hartley, who told me that “The big hullabaloo over the movie is being generated by feminists from both the pro- and anti-porn sides. They're up HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015319

in arms that ‘women are being non-consensually satirized’ by Big Evil Porn, and The Big Bad Larry Flynt. The usual nonsense from the usual suspects. Even some pro-porn feminists are upset at Palin being ‘targeted’ by porn. They conveniently overlook the fact that most porn satirizes white men in power: politicians, police, professors. Most recent case in point, 7he Elliot Splizter Story..." Who’ s Nailin’ Paylin was ready for release before the election, as was an issue of the horror comic book 7a/es From the Crypt, which featured on the cover a painting of Sarah Palin swinging her hockey stick to disperse the Vault-Keeper and other ghoulish characters as she sneeringly asks, “Didn' t we get rid of you guys in the ' 50s?” --a reference to the censorship problems faced decades ago by EC Comics, the original publisher of 7a/es From the Crypt, and concomitantly a criticism of Palin for her “rhetorical question” about removing objectionable books from library shelves. However, another publisher was producing a comic-book biography of Palin that wouldn’ t be released until February 2009, so two endings were prepared. But an edition of South Park--broadcast the day after the election--took a risk with only one ending, which lampooned Obama’ s victory. Co-creator Trey Parker explained, “We’ re just going HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015320

to make the Obama version, and if McCain somehow wins, we’ re basically just totally screwed.” Likewise, Garry Trudeau gambled that Obama would win, and his syndicated Doonesbury strip--published the day after the election--depicted three soldiers in Iraq watching the returns on TV as a reporter is saying, “And it’ s official--Barack Obama has won.” Some editors were undecided about whether to publish it. Trudeau encouraged them to choose hope over fear. “If |’ m wrong,” he told the Los Angeles Times, “it' |l be my face that’ Il be covered with eggs, not theirs.” 7imes editors had decided, in the interest of accuracy, to wait for the election results, and if Obama won, they would publish the strip on Thursday, but then they must have realized it was just a comic strip, not investigative journalism, and they published it on Wednesday after all. Trudeau thought that newspapers should run the strip because “polling data gives McCain a 3.7% chance of victory.” Indeed, a week after Obama’ s win, McCain himself admitted to Jay Leno, “I can read the polls--they tried to keep ' em from me.” There were dozens of polls, from ABC to Zogby, and, psychographic sophistication aside, they didn’ t always exactly agree. For example, in Nevada during the last week of October, one poll put Obama’ s lead at 12%, another at 7%, another at 5% and two others at 4%, which meant that, given the margin of sampling HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015321

error, McCain could conceivably have been slightly ahead. This, then, was the last presidential election. In the future, you’ Il only need to vote for the pollster that you trust the most. During the 1968 Democratic convention in Chicago, | was among 15,000 protesters who had gathered in Grant Park for a rally when the police, triggered by the actions of one of their own provocateurs, attacked the demonstrators and sadistically beat as many as they could reach. It seemed impossible that we could ever work within the system. But now, forty years later, there were 200,000 celebrants who had gathered in that same park, giddy with the excitement of Obama’ s victory. They had worked within the system. During the past four decades, there has been a linear progression from Jimi Hendrix playing “The Star-Spangled Banner” at Woodstock to Aretha Franklin singing “My Country,‘ tis of Thee” at the inauguration. Is it possible that this event signified the early tremors of a nonviolent revolution? As the late singer/songwriter Harry Chapin once said to me backstage at a benefit: “If you don’ t act like there’ s hope, there /s no hope.” And remember, placebos work. My hope is | don’ t get disappointed. [But | did.] HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015322

Meanwhile, the memorabilia business flourishes as millions of voters seek a variety of tangible items to remind them of the part they played in history simply by voting. Mouse pads, baby bibs, aprons, dog jerseys, bobble-heads, niche buttons ( “Ventriloquists for Obama” ), T-shirts ( “Now | Don’ t Have to Move to Canada” ) and, as reported by NPR, Obama condoms. Somebody bid $400 on eBay for the November 5th issue of the New York Times. USA Today printed 500,000 extra copies; the Washington Post printed 350,000 extras. The only thing | saved was a full- page ad by the 99 Cents Only stores, which included a “Joe the Plumber Special” plunger. There was no limit on how many | could buy. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015323

A Letter to Barack Obama October 10, 2010 Dear President Obama, It seems that the theme emanating from the White House is “Eat, Pray, Be Disappointed.” And yet, whenever | do feel disappointed, | always realize that the alternative was John McCain, with Sarah Palin just one Halloween “Boo!” away from the presidency, and then | always feel a sense of relief. Actually, you’ ve kept one big campaign promise--to send more troops to Afghanistan--so | guess we can’ t fault you for that. In fact, according to Bob Woodward in Obama’ s Wars, all you want to do now is get out of Afghanistan. Well, why don’ t you just do what Osama bin Laden did; cross over to Pakistan. Since we bribe Pakistan to be our ally, you’ d think they would never consider harboring bin Laden, though they reek with empathy when our outsourced drones drop those bombs. Also, during the campaign, you said you believe that the legality of same-sex marriage should be decided by the states, but that you personally think marriage should be between a man and a woman. Which is exactly the position that eventually led to the revocation of Carrie HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015324

Prejean’ s Miss USA crown. And another thing. You promised to end the raids on medical marijuana dispensaries, but they haven’ t stopped. [In 2009, Attorney General Eric Holder issued a memo ordering an end to federal raids of medical marijuana dispensaries. In March 2011, there were 28 such raids in a duration of 24 hours.] Here’ s how | understand Washington. America’ s_ puritanical political process serves as a buffer between the status quo and the force of evolution. For instance, in order to get Republican votes for the children’ s healthcare bill, Democrats agreed to fund $28 million to the/r abstinence- only program. And, during your own campaign, you admitted, in the context of health care reform, that the multinational insurance conglomeration is so firmly entrenched that you would be unable to dispense with it. So there would have to be compromises. Now, what with the compromises made to help passage of Prop. 19, amnesty becomes the single-payer system of marijuana reform, and growing your own pot becomes the public option. Meanwhile, as long as any government can arbitrarily decide which drugs are legal and which drugs are illegal, then anyone serving time for a nonviolent drug offense is a political prisoner. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015325

In his new book, Bob Woodward writes about Colin Powell’ s status as an adviser to you. Referring to his previous book, Plan of Attack, the New York Times then reported that “Secretary of State Colin Powell disputed Woodward’ s account....He said that he had an excellent relationship with Vice President Dick Cheney, and that he did not recall referring to officials at the Pentagon loyal to Cheney as the ‘Gestapo office.’ " Who among us would be unable to recall uttering such an epithet? Powell later apologized for it. He has also changed his mind about gays in the military. In my capacity as a stand-up satirist, | used to conduct an imaginary dialogue with Powell. “General Powell, you’ re the first African-American to be head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and you come from the tradition of a military family. So you know that blacks were once segregated in the Army because the other soldiers might feel uncomfortable if blacks slept in the same barracks. And now that’ s what they say about gays, that other soldiers might feel uncomfortable about gays sleeping in the same barracks.” “Well, you have to understand, we never fto/d anybody we were black.” HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015326

And, Mr. President, that was the forerunner of the same “Don’ t ask, don’ t tell” policy that you promised to rescind, only you haven’ t been acting like a Commander-in-Chief. All you have to do is sign such a directive. Those who serve in the military are trained to follow orders. If they can follow orders to kill fellow humans, they can certainly follow orders to treat openly gay service people with total equality. Not only is the current guideline counterproductive, but also this display of trickle-down immorality must, on some level of consciousness, serve as a contributing factor to enabling the anti-gay bullying and torturing of innocent victims. | know, you don’ t want to take a chance that retracting the policy would interfere with your re-election. You’ ve made the point that you don’ t want Mitt Romney to win in 2012 and turn around all the good things you’ ve accomplished. Incidentally, Romney had wanted to overturn Roe vs. Wade, yet, in 1994, when he was running for the Senate, he came out in favor of choice for women. However, freelance journalist Suzan Mazur revealed that he admitted to Mormon feminist Judith Dushku that “the Brethren” in Salt Lake City to/d him he could take a pro-choice position, and that in fact he probably had to in order to win in a liberal state like Massachusetts. Pandering trumps religious belief. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015327

Meantime, since gays and lesbians have waited so long for basic fairness, they might as well just wait for the next election. If you win, then would you kindly do immediately what you believe is right, constitutionally and in your heart, and end this injustice? The ultimate irony is that gays in the military are fighting, being maimed and dying unnecessarily, supposedly to protect the freedom their own country is denying them. Sincerely, Paul Krassner Postscript: | sent a copy of the letter to some folks that day. Among the responses, | received a message from a mother: “I am trying to explain this to my twelve-year-old son, who wants to know why, if men and women don’ t share barracks in the military, why gay men and hetero men should share barracks, but then follows with ‘They should all sleep in the same place.’ " And that evening | received this email from a seasoned journalist: “I know it's late, but | cannot wait to ask if this letter is a spoof, or you've actually sent it to Obama. If it's a spoof and you've not sent it to him, would you like to? I've got his fax number and he's got a great sense of humor. May | have your permission to send this to him?” “Absolutely.” HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015328

Two days later, to the dismay of Obama--who told a town hall meeting that he was restricted because the “Don’ t ask, don’ t tell” policy was written into law, adding, “This is not a situation where | can, by the stroke of a pen, end this policy” --he wanted Congress to repeal it after the November midterm election, but Federal Judge Virginia Phillips upset that timetable by issuing an immediate and permanent ban on what she considered to be unconstitutional. This ruling was not a spoof, though it was treated as one by an appeals court that set aside her injunction. In December 2010, Congress repealed the 17-year-old law. Nor was it a spoof when Attorney General Holder—having been pressured by nine former DEA chiefs, plus the president of Mexico-- warned that if Prop. 19 was passed, making California the first state to legalize pot, the federal government would not look the other way, as it has done with medical marijuana. Holder (who wouldn’ t prosecute the Bush administration for promulgating torture) explained: “Let me state clearly that the Department of Justice strongly opposes Proposition 19. If passed, this legislation will greatly complicate federal drug enforcement efforts to the detriment of our citizens. We will vigorously enforce the [law] against those individuals and organizations HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015329

that possess, manufacture or distribute marijuana for recreational use, even if such activities are permitted under state law.” In a truly free society, the distinction of whether marijuana is used for medical or recreational purposes would be as irrelevant an excuse for discrimination as whether the sexual preference of gays and lesbians is innate or a matter of choice. And so it came to pass that Barack Obama was re-elected. His opponent, Romney, fell to his knees and pleaded, “Oh, dear Lord, you promised that | would win. Why hast thou forsaken me?” And the voice of God boomed out, “HEY, MITT, LISTEN--/ WAS JUST FUCKIN’ WITH YA HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015330

Unsafe at Safeway It was Steve Allen, and later Lenny Bruce, who said that “Comedy is tragedy plus time.” But everything is accelerating. Even the rate of acceleration is accelerating. The time between tragedy and comedy gets shorter and shorter. The more horrible the news is, the more victims there are to involuntarily serve as setups for punchlines. Reality has long been nipping at the heels of comedy, and it finally caught up. Example: On the same day that people were being burned alive in the fire at the Branch Davidian headquarters in Waco, Texas, Jay Leno did a joke in his Zonight Show monologue about there being two kinds of cult members there-- “regular and crispy.” Of course, events like the recent madman massacre outside a Safeway supermarket can be challenging. How could made-up humor possibly top the actual absurdity of mass murderer Jared Loughner asking his MySpace friends not to be mad at him. After all, he was merely planning to indiscriminately kill as many innocent human beings as he could, with democracy itself as collateral damage. The night before Loughner committed his senseless slaughter, he had taken photos of himself posing with his gun while wearing a bright HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_015331