again, so I had my arms back -- and again, I couldn't seem to control my instinctive struggling. And so he stopped for a moment, held my arms in place, and laid down the law. He knows I very much prefer some kinds of pain over other kinds of pain, so he told me this: "If you want the kind of pain you like, you have to let me in close." Layer upon layer: he's not just forcing me to take the pain; he's making me complicit. I think there were also practical considerations, in that it was actually difficult for him to control how he hurt me when I struggled a lot, but, still... It was so hot it made me gasp. I'm not sure, but I suspect that a few years ago, I might not have been able to handle that level of complicitness: forcing me to acknowledge what I like. Back then, I was too appalled by my own desires. Now, this level of complicitness adds another level of pain -- emotional pain; mild pain that I can cope with -- which is awesome. But although feeling complicit is a new tactic, it's part of an old game. It's merely another kind of predicament. Fundamentally, what's hot about predicament bondage isn't the mechanics of what my partner says or does. It's not about the scenario or the equipment or the exact words. It's knowing that he won't stop hurting me, no matter how I fight or beg or scream. It's feeling that every moment, every action reinforces how much I'm in his power. It's knowing there's no way out. KOK ok This can be found on the Internet at: http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2011/01/07/storytime-predicament-bondage/ RELATIONSHIPS: [theory] Relationship Tools: Monogamy, Polyamory, Competition, and Jealousy I wrote this in 2012, but it's the culmination of over a decade of thought. I came across my first polyamory books when I was very young, and I remember that even though I was inexperienced, I felt super frustrated by how most polyamorists discuss jealousy. They were incredibly un-empathic about it; the advice always seemed to boil down to "Get over it," with a dollop of "Stop being so selfish," and without any acknowledgment of how painful and difficult jealousy can be for the person who's feeling it. But at the same time, most monogamists aren't much better about this topic! Many monogamists approach jealousy as something that requires no examination at all. In this essay, I'm trying to come to a better understanding of all these dynamics. I also seek to integrate them with BDSM theory, which I'm convinced has a much stronger HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018638

bearing on jealousy than most people will admit. KOK ok Relationship Tools: Monogamy, Polyamory, Competition, and Jealousy Last year, I wrote a piece called "In Praise of Monogamy." I currently practice polyamory in my relationships, but I spent years dating monogamously. I've noticed that when people talk about monogamy, they usually either assume that it's the only way to go... or they assume that it has to be thrown out the window entirely. I think that this either-or approach is completely wrongheaded, so the goal of "In Praise of Monogamy” was to talk about the advantages of monogamy in a more neutral, nuanced way. Different relationship models are all tools in a toolbox, and some people are better with some tools than others. "In Praise of Monogamy" was probably one of my most successful articles ever -- it was republished at a ton of websites, including high-profile venues like The Guardian. Simultaneously, the article got a lot of really mixed comments. Some people felt that I wasn't praising monogamy enough; others felt that I wasn't praising non-monogamy enough; there were lots of other frustrations too. My big takeaway was that these conversations don't happen enough, most people aren't used to having them, and it's really hard to know where it start. Jealousy is one obvious starting point, because people always bring it up in conversations about non-monogamy. I talked a little bit about jealousy in "In Praise of Monogamy.” If you've recently read that piece, then feel free to skip to the end of the following italicized excerpt: Some people experience jealousy more than, or less than, or differently from other people. Plenty of people in non-monogamous relationships experience jealousy -- and plenty of non-monogamous people handle it just fine, through open-hearted communication. But there are also plenty of people who appear to lack the "jealousy chip." And then there are plenty of people who experience so much jealousy, who feel that jealousy is such a big part of their emotional makeup, that the best way to manage it is simply through monogamy. Personally, I used to get a lot more jealous than I do now. I think I'm less likely to get jealous these days partly because I've gotten better at finding low-drama men. Jealousy has a reputation for being an irrational emotion, and sometimes it genuinely is an unreasonable, cruel power-grab. But I think jealousy is often quite rational, and often arises in response to a genuine emotional threat... or deliberate manipulation. There's another reason, though... I've also noticed that some switch in my brain has flipped, and I've started to eroticize jealousy. I occasionally find myself fantasizing about men I care about sleeping with other women, and sometimes the fantasy is hot because I feel mildly jealous. I cannot explain how this happened. It surprised me the first time it happened, believe me. What's really fascinating is that I think the same part of me that eroticizes jealousy, is the part that used to make me feel sick at the thought of my partner HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018639

sleeping with someone else. S&M masochism: the gift that never stops giving! I think it's important to note here that I didn't become less jealous because I felt like I "should," or because I was told not to be jealous. In fact, I had an early boyfriend who acted like I was a hysterical bitch every time I got jealous... and he made things much worse. With him, I just felt awful when I got jealous; I couldn't get past it. I felt like he was judging me for something I couldn't help; I felt like my mind was fragmenting as I tried to force myself to "think better" without any outside support; and worst of all, I felt like I couldn't rely on him to respect my feelings. It was the men who treated my emotions like they were reasonable and understandable who decreased my jealousy. It's much harder to be jealous when your partner is saying, "T totally understand," than it is when your partner is saying, "What the hell is the matter with you?" Maybe that's what makes monogamy such an effective jealousy-management tactic: monogamy can be like a great big sign or sticker or button you can give to your partner that says, "I respect your jealousy." Which is not to say that monogamy is always effective for this -- we all know that monogamous people get jealous all the time! (Which only adds to my point that monogamy might be viewed as just one of many tactics, rather than an answer, when jealousy is a problem.) Now, back to the current article. Jealousy is an incredibly hot-button topic, so I'm nervous about this, but let's focus in on it a little more. KK Ok The Feeling of Jealousy Jealousy and its cousin, competition, are both things that happen a lot in relationships. Some people are so uncomfortable acknowledging this that they repress those feelings, or ignore the behavior that goes along with them... but I've rarely seen that end well. I believe that some people lack jealousy and competitive urges, but I've also seen a lot of people who feel those things but can't admit it. Not even to themselves. I dated a guy last year who told me at the start of our relationship that he never got jealous. At first I took him at his word, but I quickly noticed that he changed the subject aggressively when I mentioned past lovers. We had a mutual friend with whom I had a lot of chemistry; when the three of us were together, my boyfriend acted uncomfortable and irritable, and when I specifically acted in ways that made it obvious I was with him -- like by giving him Public Displays of Affection in front of the other guy -- he relaxed. I sighed internally when I observed this, and I felt frustrated, but wasn't sure how to talk about it without sounding like I was calling him a liar. Fortunately, he brought it up later. "I think I do get jealous sometimes, and I just don't like to think about it because it makes me feel like a bad person," he said, one night while we were making dinner. In that moment, my respect for him skyrocketed. It's hard for people to keep track of themselves like that, and to shift their self-image when confronted with new evidence. Some people seem to interpret their lovers’ jealousy as a sign of love. Hey, I'll admit that I've had moments of being flattered or pleased when my boyfriends show signs of jealousy -- or when they act a little competitive. Sometimes those things are scary, HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018640

though... or threatening... or frustrating, like in my example above. It's complicated! However, I often see those dynamics play out in ways that the participants won't admit, no matter how much evidence comes up. I think it gets especially complicated when people experience jealousy as a sexual thing, a turn-on. Most people have a hard enough time discussing their sexuality in the first place. When you add an ingredient as controversial as jealousy, the potential discussions become that much more combustible. When I was researching pickup artists for my awesome book Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser, I found a number of discussions in that community that praise competitive feelings because they're seen as making the relationship more fun. A lot of these guys say competition among different lovers within open relationships is awesome because it keeps everyone a little uncertain, and encourages them to be "on top of their game." This contrasts drastically with most polyamorous perspectives; in my experience, poly folks see jealousy and competition as things that should be compartmentalized and managed very carefully, rather than encouraged or exalted. For polyamory theorists, a feeling of safety is often the goal, as opposed to a feeling of competition. And emotional safety is certainly a concern, because jealousy is one of the most intense and overwhelming emotions out there. It's such a hard feeling to sit with and work through. My worst experiences of jealousy felt like I was choking, like I couldn't breathe, like I was sick to my stomach, like I was terribly obsessed, like I couldn't think of anything but the jealousy and how much it hurt. And yet... I've occasionally felt jealousy that was weak, almost nice, where I felt a little twinge of it and turned to my lover and got reassured... and that made me feel more safe, more cared for, more loved. The bottom line is that people experience jealousy and competitive urges in many different ways. It's important to acknowledge that and honor it. I don't see it as productive to frame things like "jealousy is bad," or "competition is awesome.” I'd much rather frame things like: "Jealousy and competition happen sometimes, and how do we deal with them when they come up so that everyone involved feels comfortable and happy?" KK ok The Toolkit I firmly believe that the primary tools for dealing with jealousy and competitive urges are honesty, good faith and respect. If you're feeling jealous, then take a deep breath. (I'm pretty sure that most relationship drama could be avoided if more people took deep breaths.) Hopefully, you're dating someone who you like and trust (if you're not, what's the point?). Remind yourself that this person, who you like and trust, probably is operating in good faith and isn't trying to hurt you. Respect that this person has their own desires, which won't always overlap perfectly with your own. Don't assume that your partner is obliged to do everything you want -- but do be honest about what's hurting you, so you can work it out together. And, in turn: if your partner is jealous, respect that emotion. Remind yourself that this person, who you like and trust, probably is operating in good faith and isn't trying to control you. Be honest about how your partner's jealousy makes you feel, and think about HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018641

ways to reassure your partner while protecting your own needs and boundaries. The most stable relationship formation for dealing with jealousy and competitive urges appears to be monogamy. To be sure, I think people have plenty of other reasons for choosing monogamy. But the relationship tool that seems to work most thoroughly, and most often, and for the most people, is simply... being monogamous. There are many ways of approaching non-monogamy, but the one I'm most familiar with is polyamory. A lot of polyamorists, though not all, organize their relationships into hierarchies: they have one or more "primary relationships,” and then "secondary relationships" and other relationships that don't make it to secondary level. Sometimes a primary partner will have "veto power" -- 1.¢., if one partner wants to get a new partner, then the primary partner can explicitly block that partner. This seems to help control a lot of jealousy and competitive behavior. Some poly folks say that they see hierarchies and veto power as "blunt instruments,” and that they prefer to negotiate every interaction case-by-case. This sounds fine to me as long as it works for them, of course. But I would offer this: I think that blunt instruments are sometimes the most useful tool for a given project. And in fact, blunt instruments are more often useful than finer-tuned instruments. The whole idea of finer-tuned instruments is that they're useful for precise circumstances... but they're also harder to use, and more fragile. Some people don't have the time or inclination to create a whole new toolkit for every individual relationship. Some people will settle for a slightly less precise, perfect relationship in exchange for a more stable one. Sometimes it's simply easier to use a blunter, but more universally effective tool. I will also add that I have seen plenty of polyamorous relationships in which there were unspoken hierarchies, and unspoken veto power. This resulted in maneuvering that struck me as both underhanded and unnecessary. I've always felt that it would be better for everyone involved if those dynamics were put out on the surface. Finally, for people who like jealousy and competition.... If S&M has taught me anything, it's that it's quite possible to play with pain and power within a safe, loving framework. The key is to compartmentalize the whole process and discuss it openly. If people are into competitive relationships, then okay. If people like jealousy, then okay. But in that case, they really ought to look for partners who share those tastes, and to find ways that they can deal with them openly and honestly. In S&M, there's a huge emphasis on careful communication tactics -- safewords are the most famous example, but there are plenty of others. There's also a huge emphasis on talking about the S&M encounter and processing it together afterwards; we call this aftercare. If jealousy and competitiveness can be understood as consensual games of pain and power, then I think people who want to play those games would do well to learn about S&M communication tactics. If you're going to have fun making your partner feel an emotion as intense as jealousy, then you might consider giving your partner a safeword. te ok ok This can be found on the Internet at: HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018642

http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2012/05/01/relationship-tools-monogamy-polyamory- competition-and-jealousy/ EVOLUTION: [storytime] You Don't Always Know What You're Thinking I wrote this in late 2010. I have mixed feelings about it now. I think I made important points, but I will also say this: if you don't have a clue what's going on in your head and don't even know where to start, then that can be a bad sign. I think that when people are unhappy, or dealing with situations that are more than they can handle, they often settle into a kind of mental "fog" so they don't have to think about it. (The feminist writer Autumn Whitefield-Madrano has a great article describing how this happens in abusive relationships; she calls it "the fog of abuse.") Yet at the same time, I do believe that we should consciously make space in ourselves for new feelings to emerge, especially when we're pushing our limits. Self-awareness must include allowing new feelings to emerge at their own pace. te ok ok You Don't Always Know What You're Thinking In May 2010, I wrote a post called "Am J Evolving Away From Monogamy?" in which I talked about my urge towards polyamory, and my confusion about that urge. I talked about my previous dislike for polyamory, and I talked about how new it is for me to feel like I want to be polyamorous. I talked quite a lot, really, but a week later, I started feeling like I hadn't covered everything... or like I just wasn't correct about some things I'd written. But how could I be incorrect? I was, after all, writing about myself and my own feeings. How could I be wrong about what I myself was thinking? I guess I realized quickly that I'd claimed things about my past self that weren't quite true. That didn't acknowledge my own complexity. For example, I wrote that although I've toyed with polyamory in the past, my most recent poly leanings came up only because I got my heart broken by a gentleman who I sometimes refer to as Mr. Inferno. I theorized that perhaps I'm just scared of commitment. While it is certainly true that I'm not big on commitment these days, I later recalled that actually -- at the beginning of my relationship with Mr. Inferno, I had some doubts about being monogamous. I was monogamous because he was very sure that was what he wanted, but I remember a point when I thought about trying to negotiate something different. Polyamorous people are stereotyped as being commitment-phobic. I know all about that stereotype -- in fact, I have angrily defended my poly friends from it for years! (Even when I was very fiercely monogamous, I got so mad when people who don't know HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018643

anything about polyamory said ignorant things about my poly friends!) Yet I have to watch out for that stereotype's influence on me anyway. When I forgot that I'd considered polyamory with Mr. Inferno, was I being influenced by that stereotype? Or was I just missing Mr. Inferno a lot that day, and wishing I could talk to him, and maybe therefore remembering him as more influential in my life than he actually was? Or... what? I'm visiting my father right now; we went out to dinner the other night and talked about relationships. I'm quite open about my parents about almost everything -- we don't talk explicitly about our sex lives, but we do have detailed conversations about stuff like polyamory. My dad is not at all attracted to polyamory, and we used to commiserate and theorize about how we just didn't understand polyamory. Now that I've decided to pursue poly, my dad is puzzled. "I know this is weird," I said to him during dinner, "because we used to be on the exact same wavelength about this,” and he nodded. He asks questions, he tries to figure out where I'm coming from -- and they're all questions that I have decent theoretical answers for. Answers include: "Well, of course it's possible to love more than one person at a time. Mothers can love multiple children, kids can love multiple parents, friends can love each other, so why wouldn't it be possible for people to have sexual and emotional relationships with multiple people?" Or: "Jealousy can be managed just fine, as long as partners are communicating well and genuinely care about each others’ feelings.” In fact, some of my answers are the same theoretical answers that he and I discussed back when we were both steadfastly monogamous. Except this time, I'm giving him those answers from the other side; and yet he can't relate any better to them, this time around. te Kk ok I have always spent a very large amount of time obsessively analyzing my own emotions, and often writing about them. This has been true since childhood. However, one analytical skill I can always improve is this: knowing when to say, "I'm not sure how I feel about that.” Another important skill is staying on top of the stories I tell about myself, the ideas and memes and images and narratives that I'm trying to match myself to. It seems impossible to track all the influences on my psyche, all the different social and cultural and even biological forces. Where am I under all the programming? It's worth trying to figure it out (even if I'll never know for sure). I don't always know what I'm thinking. I don't believe that anyone always knows what they're thinking. It's important to acknowledge this, because when people don't acknowledge it, they often simply decide to be something that doesn't quite match up with what they want. Sometimes this works fine -- if the pattern a person chooses to impose on her self can function, then who cares if it's a perfect match? (I mean, arguably, people are always imposing unmatched patterns on our thoughts and selves.) But although this sometimes works fine, there are plenty of times when it doesn't work fine. Or really at all. I have a section in my sexual communication workshop for maxims -- little slogan-like things. I recently added a new one that I really like: "You don't always know what you're HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018644

thinking.” KOK ok I've been practicing BDSM for a while, now, and it has been amazing. I've had a lot of very intense sexual experiences and I feel incredibly confident about my sexuality. I feel very far away from my younger self, who realized that she was into BDSM and completely freaked out. However, I used to keep a very detailed (albeit sporadic) personal journal, and this allows me to look into the head of 20-year-old Clarisse. Here's something I wrote only a couple of weeks after I met Richard, my first serious BDSM partner: On the surface I have a hard time understanding why this has shocked me so much -- the fact that I wanted him to hurt me, the fact that even as I was facing down my demons and crying and incoherent I wanted him to keep biting me, scratching me, bruising me, and God, it was bad, but even now I wish it had been far worse... on some level I want to have been physically scarred. He stopped finally because I started saying "no," and couldn't formulate a coherent answer through my tears when he asked me if I was serious. But, of course, although I was serious, I also didn't want him to stop. Of course. Of course I wanted him to hear me saying no and keep going, to be protesting and overridden. And the reason I couldn't formulate a coherent answer wasn't even that I didn't know the answer was, "Yes, keep going." It was that I knew the answer was yes, and when I faced it I started crying so hard I couldn't speak, and he... sensitively, I guess... decided it was time to stop. How cliche I am. (God, I'm sounding like some naive ingenue from a random de Sade play or something, just discovering my sexuality or whatever.) How self-conscious. And how humiliated and ashamed. Of all the things I think I expected from myself for this, if it ever came true that this was what I wanted -- I never really actually expected to be ashamed. What I think is especially interesting about those paragraphs is that I felt a certain recognition for my BDSM identity, I felt a certain inevitability about learning what I needed. It made sense to me. "Of course," I wrote, over and over. And at the same time I acknowledged that I had considered BDSM before -- but that I hadn't really known what that meant, and I'd had no idea how I would feel if I found it. I knew what I was thinking, I knew what I had been thinking, and yet at the same time I didn't know. I had no idea. I was completely confused. I'm not so confused anymore. These days.... There are a lot of things I don't know, but there are an awful lot of things I do know, too. I have gotten pretty good at knowing what I want, even when it's hard to figure it out. And I have a very good sense of my boundaries. But I also keep trying to figure out how to expand them. This isn't just true with BDSM. Arguably, my urge to go to Africa and put myself through extreme culture shock was similar to the urge I feel to expand my head with BDSM. Some of the things I want to do with my life and my body and my self seem almost opaque; totally irrational; a little scary -- even to me. I love experiencing and analyzing emotions; experiencing and HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018645

analyzing personal connections -- I want to do more of that, even when there are emotional risks. What's past that emotion? What's under my heart? How much can I feel for another person, and in what ways can I manage that? Which part of my mind will catch me if I end up going over the edge? Will anything? te OK ok And so, even though I have a good sense of my boundaries, I also occasionally have the sense that anything could happen. This is not always dramatic. Sometimes it is quite tame, like with my current polyamorous leanings. When I was at dinner with my father, he gently expressed concern about how being polyamorous might affect me emotionally. He wasn't trying to tell me what to do -- just that he’s having trouble understanding where I'm at. "For me," he said, "sexual relationships encourage emotional attachment,” and talked about how he bonds with one person at a time. He added, "I simply find that if my relationship is truly satisfying, I don't want more than one; I can't convince myself to be interested in more than one partner.” I used to feel the same way. Dad knows it, and I know it; we've said these things before. It's not like I don't understand how he feels -- I totally do. And there's no guarantee that, over the course of experimenting with polyamory, I won't bond with a partner in a way that feels monogamous -- and then get hurt if they won't be monogamous with me. I'm not convinced that I'll feel completely secure as I continue to pursue polyamory. Recently I had one difficult morning that featured two simultaneous breakups, and that was a bit much to deal with! In short, I'm not certain that polyamory is my ideal. But I'm also no longer certain that it's not. And I'm really enjoying trying it out. Here's the thing: I'm not sure what I'm thinking... but that's okay. I know I could end up getting hurt... and that's okay. I could get my heart broken: that's what you risk when you experiment with the alchemy of your own emotions, your hormones, your body, your self. But I'm watching myself and being careful and communicating as clearly as I possibly can, and it seems to be going fine. And if poly really doesn't work out for me, I can go back to monogamy. And hey, at least if I do get my heart broken, it's something else to analyze obsessively and then write about! That's something to look forward to. KK ok This can be found on the Internet at: http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2010/12/13/slogan-you-dont-always-know-what-youre- thinking/ HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018646

ABUSE: [theory] Thinking More Clearly About BDSM versus Abuse I wrote this post in 2011. As I noted in the intro to "The Alt Sex Anti-Abuse Dream Team," other BDSMers have been writing about this more and more, and the discussion is really heating up right now, in 2012. Thomas MacAulay Millar has a particularly good series of posts on the topic, starting with: http://vesmeansyesblog. wordpress.com/2012/03/23/theres-a-war-on-part-1-troubles- been-brewing/ KK Ok Thinking More Clearly About BDSM versus Abuse Years ago, when I first started thinking about BDSM and abuse, I -- like a lot of feminist BDSMers -- was defensive. We get scared of the accusation that "BDSM is always abuse"... and we're accustomed to accusations from certain feminists such as "those of you who pretend to like BDSM just have Patriarchy Stockholm Syndrome and don't know what you really want"... and often, we're also fighting our own inner BDSM stigma demons. We get angry that our sexual needs are seen as politically problematic, or unimportant. And so, for a lot of people, our instinctive angle on abuse in the BDSM community is: "Shut up! That's not what's going on!" And that's a problem. Obviously, I don't think BDSM is inherently abusive! Exploring my personal BDSM desires has given me some extraordinary, consensual, transcendent experiences and connections. I also genuinely believe that BDSM has the potential to control, subvert, and manage power. BDSM can be a place where people learn to understand bad power dynamics in past relationships; it can be a place where people learn to manage or destroy bad power dynamics in their current relationships; it can be a place where people find glory, self-knowledge and freedom by manipulating their own reactions and responses to power. The sex theorist Pepper Mint has a great, complicated essay about this called "Towards a General Theory of BDSM and Power". And here's one of my favorite quotations on the matter, from a submissive and former blogger who went by violetwhite: It's ironic that the most perverse manipulations of power in my life occurred in a past vanilla relationship, where I tolerated tyranny because the normative structure of our relationship obscured the fact that that is what it was. Still, I've seen things happen in the BDSM community that turned my stomach. Terrible manipulative behavior exhibited by people who have the greatest reputations. Blaming the victim when they try to speak up. Telling "rumor mongers" to shut up when people are trying to talk openly about problematic community members. The BDSM subculture has its own version of rape culture, where "lying bitch" and "drama queen" and "miscommunication" are used against abuse survivors. Miscommunications do happen... but not everything that could be a miscommunication is actually a miscommunication. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018647

Oh yes, rape culture can happen in BDSM just the same way it happens in the "vanilla" mainstream. And there are certainly people in my local community who I would never get involved with, because I do not trust them. Being defensive about BDSM and abuse won't help; yes, BDSM is stigmatized and stereotyped, but the abuse is still a problem. So after I started blogging, I tried to move past my defensiveness and write more concretely -- to write about what exactly the BDSM community does to work against abuse. One of my first posts on BDSM and abuse was called "Evidence That The BDSM Community Does Not Enable Abuse.” It highlighted anti-abuse initiatives within the BDSM community. As I learned more about BDSM and abuse, and my perspective got more nuanced, I wrote a more expansive post called "The Alt Sex Anti-Abuse Dream Team.” It covered all the information I'd given in the earlier post, and also talked about how I personally would structure an anti-abuse initiative with alt-sex people in mind. Looking back now, those posts still strike me as defensive. I was making good points, but I also think that I didn't fully understand where some feminists are coming from when they react negatively to BDSM. This past year, I've learned a lot more about abusive gender-based violence, power, and control. And I've concluded that while BDSM is obviously not equivalent to abuse, we need better theory to describe the difference between BDSM and abuse, and we should try to avoid defensiveness while articulating that theory. I've written before that one thing I think people can do is try to "start from a position of strength, and seek strength afterwards." The overall point of that maxim is that any given BDSM activity can eventually make all parties feel more supported, more capable, more powerful in the world. That's my ideal end goal; that is what I personally would aim for with my BDSM practice. Perhaps I might do an intense BDSM scene that makes me feel terrible in the moment -- or for a lot of moments... but I want to be sure it will make me more supported, more capable, more powerful later. That's an awfully vague maxim, though, and one that can be different for every person. I may have found a more concrete focus in a 1984 anti-abuse concept -- the Power & Control Wheel: In 1984, staff at the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (DAIP) began developing curricula for groups for men who batter and victims of domestic violence. We wanted a way to describe battering for victims, offenders, practitioners in the criminal justice system and the general public. Over several months, we convened focus groups of women who had been battered. We listened to heart-wrenching stories of violence, terror and survival. After listening to these stories and asking questions, we documented the most common abusive behaviors or tactics that were used against these women. The tactics chosen for the wheel were those that were most universally experienced by battered women. Ina BDSM context, a lot of the behaviors listed on the Power & Control Wheel could be part of a consensual encounter -- violence, headgames, name-calling, all kinds of things can be BDSM. But this part, this is important: HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018648

MINIMIZING, DENYING AND BLAMING: * Making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously. * Saying the abuse didn't happen. * Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior. * Saying she caused it. (The original wheel uses gendered language, but I'd like to note that although abuse is most often perpetrated by men against women, abuse can happen in any kind of relationship and to people of any gender.) In the brilliant documentary Graphic Sexual Horror, which profiles a now-defunct BDSM porn site, there's footage of a scene with a porn model named $4. The dominant partner slaps S4 across the face, and S4 reacts angrily. She says something like, "We didn't talk about that in advance!" The dominant doesn't apologize; he doesn't take her seriously, and he doesn't talk to her carefully or work to calm her down. Instead, the dominant partner snaps: "We can't talk about everything in advance,” and aggressively demands to know whether she's ready to continue. This is an example of minimizing, denying, and blaming. I have some sympathy for his awkward position -- I've made small mistakes as a dominant partner, too, and he's correct that it's impossible to talk about everything in advance. But the way to deal with those mistakes is by apologizing sincerely and making sure the mistake never happens again. For example, one of my exes really hated being bitten on the lips, and at one point I bit him on the lower lip. And he called me out, and I said, "I'm sorry,” and I put my arms around him to offer comfort; I said, "I won't do it again,” and I didn't. My experience of BDSM relationships is that it's best for there to be both communication ahead of time -- and lots of discussion and processing afterwards. Both partners get to set “hard limits": things they absolutely don't want to do. If one partner has concerns, those concerns get airtime. Both partners acknowledge a role in the proceedings, and blame isn't spread around; even if something goes wrong, the discussion focuses on how to prevent that from happening again rather than making accusations. And if BDSM is happening, it must be possible to acknowledge it, even if it's subtle. For example, I ran into a partner on the street the other day; he gave me a hug and held me in place for a while, even though I tried to move away. This, my friends, is subtle BDSM. Which was fine with me! But it was only okay because I knew I could call him out on it later and be sure it was acknowledged! And I did mention it later, and he did acknowledge it, and we both laughed and said it was hot. And if I had told him not to do it, that would have been okay too. And the fact that I knew I could talk about it, that I knew I could tell him not to do it and he'd listen... meant that I also could have declined to mention it, and I would have felt fine. Something else worth acknowledging here is time boundaries. If a person is indeed HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018649

calling names, controlling what the other person does, etc, then it's often useful for it to be communicated -- and also time-bounded. For example: "You can only call me pathetic during this sexual encounter. Otherwise, please don't.” There are BDSM couples that get rid of time boundaries, and have ongoing BDSM relationship situations; there are also BDSM couples that don't use safewords. I think those relationships require a lot of understanding and care from all parties involved. I've never gone without safewords, but sometimes I go without time-bounding, and when I do, I make very sure that I can trust my partner and communicate well with him. (Thomas MacAulay Millar calls safeword-free BDSM "the advanced class.") The same group that made the Power & Control Wheel has another useful wheel -- the. Equality Wheel. Here's the text of the wheel: ECONOMIC PARTNERSHIP: * Making money decisions together. * Making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements. NEGOTIATION AND FAIRNESS: * Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict. * Accepting changes. * Being willing to compromise. NON-THREATENING BEHAVIOR: * Talking and acting so that she feels safe and comfortable expressing herself and doing things. RESPECT: * Listening to her non-judgmentally. * Being emotionally affirming and understanding. * Valuing her opinions. SHARED RESPONSIBILITY: * Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work. * Making family decisions together. RESPONSIBLE PARENTING: * Sharing parental responsibilities. * Being a positive, nonviolent role model for the children. HONESTY AND ACCOUNTABILITY: * Accepting responsibility for self. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018650

* Acknowledging past use of violence. * Admitting being wrong. * Communicating openly and truthfully. TRUST AND SUPPORT: * Supporting her goals in life. * Respecting her right to her own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions. All these things ought to be present ina BDSM relationship! Some people do heavy role- play situations where they have specific personas that they don't want to break out of... and they still can make sure that all those elements are included. For example, they can keep simultaneous journals about the relationship, and thereby keep up with each others’ feelings and consent without breaking out of their roles. I also think that the list is especially useful in that it highlights places where non- consensual control is likely to happen... and therefore, places where BDSMers should be especially careful. For example, failing to support a partner's life goals would be okay in the middle of an intense BDSM encounter. But afterwards, it might be good to give extra support, just because that can be such an important genuine danger spot. Just like vanilla people, BDSMers have a lot of unspoken elements of our relationships. For example -- the partner I mentioned earlier, who held me in place when I gave him a hug on the street. We didn't negotiate that particular act ahead of time. But we have an established relationship, and we've done similar things before; I knew that if I wanted to talk about it -- or ask him not to do it -- then he'd listen. And, even more importantly, the rest of our relationship lines up with the Equality Wheel. te Ok ok This can be found on the Internet at: COMMUNICATION: [theory] What Happens After An S&M Encounter "Gone Wrong" I wrote this in late 2011. At the time, I didn't mention another factor that makes it important to talk about S&M screwups: we should do it because talking openly about honest mistakes makes it harder for actual abusers to hide in the S&M community. As I note at the end of this piece, sometimes a miscommunication is a real miscommunication, but sometimes it's a "miscommunication" that's covering for abuse. The only way we can HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018651

learn to distinguish the two is to talk openly about our screwups. It's an intimidating proposition; for one thing, many outsiders leap to label BDSM as "all abuse, all the time,” and none of us wants to give those folks anything that they could use for ammunition. But we have to start talking about this stuff more openly, because the alternative is creating a community where it's much easier to get away with abuse. In Thomas MacAulay Millar's epic series on abuse in the BDSM community, he's got a whole post dedicated to the various types of miscommunications and mythcommunications that can occur: http://vesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2012/04/30/ theres-a-war-on-part-5-wallowing-in-the-sl-op/ Otherwise, I hope that this piece is a fairly complete treatment of this incredibly difficult topic. te Ok ok What Happens After An S&M Encounter "Gone Wrong" I've often thought that BDSMers should talk more about our "failed encounters." Sometimes the best way to learn is through "failure," or by looking at others’ "failures." But when a BDSM scene "goes wrong," it's often highly personal for everyone concerned. So it's really hard to talk about and really hard to write about -- both for the dominant and submissive partners. This is just like any relationship, really. After all, people rarely talk about their most embarrassing or awkward or otherwise difficult "mistakes made" during vanilla sex, right? (I use phrases like "failed encounter" and "gone wrong" and "mistakes" with caution, because I think these situations can often be viewed as learning experiences, and therefore they are successful for a lot of purposes! But certainly in the moment they feel like screwups, and a lot of the time they can make the whole relationship very difficult, and I think that most people who have been through them feel as though some kind of failure happened... whether it was a failure of understanding, communication, empathy, caution, or something else.) Much of the problem, I think, is that people have such a hard time communicating after serious miscommunications and mistakes. The following quotation is from Staci Newmahr's Playing At The Edge, an excellent ethnography of the BDSM community. (I've changed a few jargon terms for the sake of accessibility.) Sophie had been engaged in a long and intimate S&M relationship with Carl, a friend whom she deeply trusted. During the encounter she describes below, Carl changed his approach, and Sophie subsequently felt that Carl was somehow not quite himself. Sophie and Carl never quite recovered from the incident; though they remained friends and tried to do S&M again, it was, according to Sophie, never the same. Sophie says: "He was very much a rope top. That was his big thing, was tying people up. And he was excellent at tying people up. And our dynamic was always -- I mean, yes, he would absolutely hurt me when the time came for that, but there was also always this element -- even when he was hurting me, it was done in this incredibly, like, touchingly HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018652

caring way. And especially when he was tying me up, it was this soothing, wonderful thing.” Sophie continues, "So one day... Carl starts an encounter with me. Carl had decided in his head, from all the things that he's heard me say about how I play with another partner, that that's what I really want from an interaction, in order for it to be the most gratifying and valuable. So we proceeded to have an encounter where Carl was not Carl. And I didn't stop it because it was so like, I couldn't understand what was going on. I couldn't understand why it felt so horrible. And it wasn't that I didn't trust him, because I trust him completely. [ ... ] I just couldn't figure out what the problem is, I felt horrible through the whole thing. And he was so out of touch with me that he wasn't even aware of how horrible I was feeling. The encounter went on for some time... and the second it was over, I... was just, like, you know, traumatized. And he was like, 'Oh my God, what's wrong?' [and] he carried me into the other room. I said something like, 'Where did my Carly go?' and then he started to cry. [ ... ] He's like, 'I was trying to give you this Sadistic experience."” In Sophie's story, Carl's risk backfires.... The risks were unsuccessful; each ended up emotionally distraught and distant. Ultimately, they sacrificed the relationship. (pages 179-180) Man, that description is so intense. Let's talk about it. The first thing worth noting about Sophie's story is that, while she probably had a safeword, she didn't use it: she says that she "didn't stop it." Sometimes, in really confusing S&M scenes, submissives have trouble using their safewords. This does not mean safewords are worthless... but as Thomas MacAulay Millar put it when we wrote about safewords, "Tops can never be on cruise control." Non-verbal signals matter, and if an S&M partner -- top or bottom! -- starts reacting in an unusual way, it's great to check in with them even if they haven't used their safeword. Safewords are a useful additional way of communicating about sex, but they can't replace all communication. Note also how hard the situation was on the top partner, not just the bottom. Carl ended up crying afterwards! Next, what I find myself wondering is whether Sophie and Carl could have communicated past this incident. Sophie obviously trusted Carl, and presumably he trusted her. Could they have talked it out and had a successful relationship afterwards? It would have been hard, but maybe they could have done it. I've (rarely) had similar experiences myself -- where boundaries were severely tested, and afterwards it was difficult for both me and my partner to work through it. It can absolutely have an immense impact on the relationship. I write about this a bit in Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser; here's a quotation from a section in my book where I'm talking to a dominant partner, with whom I just had such a difficult encounter: Sometimes, these things happen. One partner pushes a boundary, breaks it; maybe the boundary was unspoken; maybe the dominant misreads signals; maybe the submissive didn't yet realize that the boundary was there. When it comes to S&M, these things can be so dramatic... yet sometimes they're nobody's fault. We find these mental and HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018653

emotional blocks, and we call them landmines. My partner didn't hit the landmine on purpose. He wasn't trying to push me as hard as he did. And I didn't warn him off. So the important question becomes -- how does one deal with such a situation afterwards ? ... "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I never want to do that to you again." "It's okay," I said. "These things happen. But please do be careful. But don't worry...." I trailed off, trying to find words. It's so hard to know how to talk about this, especially with people who aren't used to discussing S&M. When there's a fuckup, sometimes both sides feel betrayed. The submissive might think: "Maybe I didn't tell you exactly what to avoid, but sometimes it's too much to think about, sometimes it's hard to understand in the moment, sometimes I don't know ahead of time. Okay, so I pushed myself too hard, but I did it because I'm so into you, I did it because, in that moment, I lost track of myself. And anyway, I thought you could read me. I thought you understood me. I thought you knew. You've read me perfectly well before; why not this time? Is it that you don't care?" Whereas the dominant might think: "Maybe I went too far, but I thought I could trust you to stop me. I thought I could trust you to tell me. I don't want to harm you, I just want to push you; I want to break down walls with you. I want to see your eyes go deep and soft. It's not fair for me to feel like I fucked up, because you fucked up, too. I thought you could take care of yourself. I thought you knew. You've communicated perfectly well before; why not this time? Can I rely on you?" That particular relationship didn't last, and I think that our most difficult encounter probably affected our trust for each other through the end. Still, I can tell you how we worked on it at the time -- and I can tell you that it felt really good. We just listened to each other. And we both assumed that the other person had good intent. By the end of talking it out -- which admittedly took a really long time; multiple days -- I trusted him more than ever and I felt incredibly close to him. I've been thinking a lot about classic feminist anti-abuse models, which describe how abusers accomplish abuse. One of the tactics abusers consistently use is Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming their partners. Abusers claim that the abuse didn't happen; they claim it wasn't important; they blame their partners for what happened. A partner who is willing to listen and change will respond openly to criticism and to mistakes: a non- abusive partner will not minimize, deny, or blame. And those three things are what my ex-partner did not do. He never claimed that our difficult encounter didn't happen; he never put the blame on me; he never insisted that it was no big deal. He didn't even come close to doing those things while we talked it through. He took his emotions and dealt honestly with them, and I did my best to do the same. Also, in BDSM, we often talk about the concept of "aftercare": that is, what we say and do after a BDSM scene to ground ourselves, bring ourselves back into the world, and connect with our partners. It's important to give careful aftercare after any BDSM HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018654

encounter, but if the encounter has been particularly difficult, it's doubly important. I have personally had good experiences leaving Super Intense Conversations like the one I describe above until post-aftercare, when all partners have calmed down and dealt with any immediate emotional responses. I'm writing vaguely, so here are some concrete suggestions for things to say during the conversation after a difficult BDSM encounter: * "I'm sorry.” * "T still like you and think you're a good person.” * "Do you want to talk about this now? If not now, then let's set a concrete time for later." * "I'm feeling really vulnerable and confused right now." * "Why do you think that happened? How were you reading me, and what were you thinking as you responded to me?” * "How do we feel about this now that we've discussed it, and how can we keep it from happening again?" * "What have we learned about landmines? Are there any particular words or actions that are definitely off-limits from now on?" I have one final super important caveat to add here: Not all "screwups" are actually screwups. Some are just plain abuse. A human-shaped predator will use words like "miscommunication" and "mistake" to cover up what they do. This post is focused on honest errors, but there are dishonest and evil people out there. In particular, if a person "keeps screwing up"... that's a terribly bad sign. It is not an inherent part of BDSM to feel roiled up and confused and alienated after a BDSM encounter; most BDSMers feel more intimate and connected after successful encounters. UPDATE, March 2012: I just found some notes that I took during a workshop about BDSM edgeplay that was run by Mollena Williams in late December. (Edgeplay is a term for BDSM activities that feel especially intense for the participants.) Mollena suggests some questions to ask beforehand: * Have I seen my partner do S&M before? What did they say or do that made me feel good and comfortable? What did they say that made me have an intense reaction? -- Pass this information on to the partner ahead of time. * What does my gut feeling say about this person? -- /fyou have a bad gut feeling about a person, listen to it! Especially for edgeplay. Mollena also suggested that when BDSMers play at the edge, they "make a contingency plan” ahead of time... not just for the participants, but for everyone watching, since such activities often take place at dungeons. She noted that such a "contingency plan" might contain: * Honesty and thoroughness, of course * Each partner giving each other explicit permission to safeword HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018655

* Each partner giving each other explicit permission for "things to not be okay” afterwards * Having someone on hand that each partner can talk to afterwards -- not necessarily the same person for everyone involved. This person could be an observer, or might know everyone involved in the scene, or might be relatively separate from it all such as a kink- aware therapist, but the really important thing is that this person can give emotional support in every imaginable scenario. Thanks, Mollena, for the workshop and the thoughts. I've never made such a contingency plan myself, but I definitely think it's worth considering for people who are planning a heavy scene. This can be found on the Internet at: S&M: [theory] Aftercare or Brainwashing? ! wrote this in 2012. te OK ok Aftercare or Brainwashing? Yes, it's another article about abuse and S&M, but I'm going to cover a lot more than that. I'll talk about intimacy and bodily reactions and how these things build a relationship -- whether consensual or abusive. And I'll talk about how to deal with them, too. Last year, I received an email from a woman who wanted to talk about sexual desire that exists alongside real abuse. She has been abused, but she is sexually aroused by S&M, and she struggles with boundaries a lot. She wrote to me: Here's what destroys you: that some of us are designed to shut down and feel terror and horror and arousal and shame all at the same time, to crumple before horrible people, to feel aroused even as they genuinely destroy you. This is not in any one's best interest. It's not hot, it's not awesome. And yet it's there. The worst pain for some of us, that makes you want to scream and not exist and makes you want to scream to the heavens that you want to die and escape being in your own body is not that you are afraid he will come back. It's that you are aroused by the possibility that he will. And other than destroying your very self, you can't stop it. It is the HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018656

cruelest of design flaws and the worst people understand it and the most compassionate people don't. However, the conclusion is not that some people want abuse. By definition, abuse is something that destroys you, that leaves you feeling violated and harmed in a way you don't want. And part of that mechanism, that involves the desire for the abuse to continue, is that many of us are designed to want more intimacy once intimacy has been initiated with a person. Many of us don't want to be left. And the agony of feeling harmed by being left by someone you never wanted to be there in the first place is confusing and can be debilitating. No one wants to be harmed in this way. Among abuse survivor communities the arousal involved in abuse situations is often called "body betrayal," but this doesn't seem to encompass how deep the desires can be for some people. At the root, the desires are often the same desires that fit into normal healthy intimate relationships. To be loved, to have an ongoing interaction, to be seen and understood at the root of all your emotion, to be taken sexually and feel the pleasure of another enjoying your sexual arousal. But these emotions have been exploited and manipulated for the gain of others. For some number of people who have experienced abuse, the greatest split within the self does not simply come from how horrific the acts themselves were but from the feelings of desire and pleasure that can happen in human beings even during horrific unwanted acts. For some of us, BDSM can be a safe way to explore unpacking some of this desire and how these arousal patterns got mixed up with horrific things -- or were already hooked up to horrific things and that pre-existing fact was exploited by a harmful person. And for some of us, taking that out and playing with it may not be a necessary part of recovery at all. But simply knowing this -- the fact that your arousal and pleasure systems can be activated by harmful people is ok -- it does not mean you want it, it does not mean that it was good for you, or that anyone should have treated you in that way. That can be the greatest healing in and of itself. I want to thank her for allowing me to publish her words. Her description is so far from how I usually discuss or experience S&M; and yet I see connections, too, and people rarely discuss those connections. te OK ok Aftercare: Intimacy Within Positive and Consensual S&M A while back, a study came out that established that a consenting, positive S&M experience increases a couple's intimacy afterwards. I cite that study all the time, but I still find its existence kinda absurd; I mean, they could have just asked us how it felt. On the bright side, if S&M is being studied by Real Researchers, it's a sign that S&M is becoming more widely accepted. Yet for all its hormone level measurements and mood surveys, I didn't feel like the study got anywhere near the heart of S&M and how S&M creates such extraordinary intimacy. Why would it? Studies are science, and aftercare is art. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018657

I've previously defined aftercare as "a cool-down period after an S&M encounter, which often involves reassurance and a discussion of how things went." That's a decent quick definition, but there's a lot more to it. Bodily violence sometimes creates a mental malleability and vulnerability that can be used in good ways... but also in terrible ways. I see aspects of this in competitive sports, especially the ones that involve fighting and hurting other people very directly. (Have you ever seen that phenomenon where two guys fight each other and then become Best Friends right afterwards?) Being together with an S&M partner during aftercare can be used to free people, to make them feel amazing and establish extraordinary intimacy. But it can hurt people too; it can hurt them terribly. Aftercare, like subspace, is one of the most mysterious parts of S&M. Like subspace, a lot of S&Mers describe aftercare in nigh-mystical language. One excellent page of aftercare advice begins by saying: Aftercare is the last act of the SM drama. It is the culmination, the pulling together of all loose ends, the finishing touches, the final communion between sharers of the SM ritual, the phase where the participants formally give the fantasy scene a context in everyday reality. Its technical purpose is to transition both players from the elevated states created ina scene [i.e., an S&M encounter] back into normalcy, returning to the motor control and awareness they will need to drive home once the scene is over. But as any good SM practitioner will tell you, it's much more than that. It is the time after the action when the participants come together in mutual affirmation that something special was created and shared. It is when affection and closeness is offered and sought. It is, at very least, the proper time to express thanks to the person who has shared this tiny segment of your life with you. It can be, and often is, the most beautiful part of a scene, and it is part of the scene. To skip it altogether is as rude as having dinner at a friend's house and then bolting once you've eaten your fill. Aftercare is not always extraordinary, the same way S&M isn't always extraordinary. Not everyone wants or needs aftercare, although I've always felt that if you "don't do aftercare,” that's something to warn your partner about ahead of time. I guess from the outside, aftercare often looks like a combination of snuggling and chatting and giggling -- sometimes, crying and/or comforting. From the inside, though, aftercare can feel like... a shot of pure empathy. Blissful connection. Words like "basking" and "glowing" and "transcending" come to mind. As someone said to me when I was first getting into S&M: "Very few S&Mers actually enjoy giving or receiving pain. What they like is where pain gets them.” The Practicalities of S&M Intimacy I believe that S&Mers should try very hard to put boundaries around our S&M interactions; we should work to communicate carefully, and compartmentalize what we do. Consent, and well-communicated boundaries, are the factors that separate S&M from abuse. I talked about those boundaries in "Thinking More Clearly About BDSM versus Abuse,” and I also talked about them in "What Happens After an S&M Encounter 'Gone Wrong." I've written about S&M communication tactics that enable communication and HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018658

boundary-setting, from safewords to checklists to keeping simultaneous journals. Aftercare is part of that boundary-setting process, but a lot of the time, people have a hard time thinking or speaking clearly right after S&M. Some people become incredibly non- verbal, or vague and confused, or giggly, or all of the above. For this reason, some people include later follow-ups (like a next-day phone call) under the umbrella of "aftercare" -- the goal is to allow the post-S&M time to be calming and un-challenging, and then talk things through when everyone's head is clearer. Processing things thoroughly after an S&M encounter is really important, especially if the people involved are planning to do it again. It's important for two reasons: it helps the people involved get a better sense of what they want and don't want; and it helps them learn more about how to communicate with their partners. Recently, I was privileged to give a partner his first heavy S&M experience. Afterwards, when he was coming out of it, he said to me: "No one has ever touched me so deeply, so fast before." I lay with him, listening. I'm pretty sure I did a good job helping him pick up the pieces, but when I try to figure out what I did, I have trouble describing it. So I wouldn't know how to give a step-by-step "how to" for aftercare, but I can offer some thoughts. For one thing, the person who was dominant during the encounter is usually the person who runs the aftercare, too. When I'm in the dominant position, the message I try to get across during aftercare is along these lines: "I'm here, I'm listening, I care about you, you're safe with me, and you can take all the time you need.” In the submissive position, I'm often too busy processing to think carefully about what message I'm getting across to my partner. But sometimes I do get the sense that he's confused or anxious or needs some feedback, at which point I try to get across a message along these lines: "I care about you and I'm so grateful to you for taking on that power just now. If you need to talk, we will do that when I'm more alert. But for now, let's please just be here together and establish our closeness.” And when I'm switching -- or when the power dynamic is otherwise unclear -- well. I guess I try to get across a combination of those messages. The Boundaries of S&M Intimacy I used to be more willing to do S&M "on the first date,” when I barely knew my partner. That's changed for two reasons. Firstly, I've become much warier of doing S&M without a strong foundation to the relationship. I've been lucky, because my partners have treated me so well, even the casual ones. (As more stories of S&M and abuse become public, I realize more and more how lucky I've been.) But I don't ever want to be in a position where I do intense S&M and I can't rely on my partner afterwards; and the best way to build a reliable foundation is to spend lots of time together before we get into anything deep. Secondly, I've become more aware of how quickly S&M can affect me. It's entirely possible to do excellent, intense S&M with someone I can't trust. And if that happens, then boom: I'll be intensely bonded to him, yet unable to trust him. It's not a good place to be. There are some kinds of S&M that feel light or even impersonal to me, but when I do things that feel intense... the bond forms so fast, and it's so incredibly strong. I swear it's a HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018659

chemical thing. My body will crave him beyond words, even if my brain knows he's a terrible idea. I once heard about a woman who won't allow herself to have orgasms during casual sex, because she knows the orgasm itself will bond her to her partner. I don't experience orgasms that way. But when a partner really puts me under with S&M, pulls me in deep, and then he gives me aftercare while I surface? That's where I fall in love. I've heard of polyamorous S&M relationships in which the primary relationship disallows S&M with non-primary partners. I can certainly understand wanting to reserve that for the primary relationship. I've also heard of polyamorous S&M relationships in which the partners can do S&M with outside partners... but won't allow aftercare with outside partners. I can understand that even better. te Ok ok Brainwashing: Intimacy Within Abuse In late 2010, I cross-posted an article about an intense S&M experience to the blog Feministe. In the article, I included these words: There it was. I felt the tears building, gasps torn from my throat, I felt myself starting to fall apart and reform: around him, around his guidance and force and demands. Almost unable to think. Until finally he relented and said my name, and said softly, "Come back," and ran his hand reassuringly down my hair. There it was: the reason I want it so much. In response, a commenter named FormerWildChild wrote: For some of us, the idea of being hit by another person makes us want to jump up and run out of our skin. It seriously wigs us out. It is not a moral judgment; is a true phobia for another person. It reminds me of when we were at the un-civilized end of Grand Canyon with our children. All that stood between my kids and certain death was inches of loosely packed sand. When we were done sightseeing, I discreetly walked behind the van and threw up until I could breathe again. I had that same terrified feeling when I read about your account of your last session. I wanted to go wrap a blanket around you, hold you in my arms and feed you tea and cookies until I can finally breathe again. And my fear is not because I fail to really "get" what you experience. It comes from an absolute recognition of what you describe. I have experienced what you described at the end of your BDSM session, the breaking and reforming of yourself around someone. I have felt exactly what you are talking about, that feeling of finally letting go, of surrendering, and the other person sensing that you are finally there, and then stopping. I have felt the sweetness of those moments of post-thrashing closeness when tenderness seems to hover in the room. I know the feeling of intense closeness which can follow the next day. The air is filled with a cathartic cleanness, the experience of inflicting pain and of receiving pain has cleared the air better than any southern thunderstorm. I can even imagine coming to crave that feeling HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018660

in the way that you describe. But I experienced all of those feelings as a child. What you described is precisely what it feels like when an abuser truly lets loose and keeps going until "it" breaks, until there is that moment of catharsis for both the beaten and the person doing the beating. In my experience, those relationships are like playing along the end of the Grand Canyon: people fall in, and they die. Now, I am willing to believe two things: one, it is possible that my mother and other abusers are actually engaged in a form of BDSM rape when they beat the people that they love. Just as sex is the overpowering and taking of something that should be beautiful and intimate, so beating a loved one to catharsis might just be the same sort of thing. Perhaps that is something that abuse experts should look at. Iam also willing to believe that you have an invisible fence as you play along the edge of your own personal Grand Canyon. I am willing to believe that you know how to be there without falling into the abyss. But if that is the case -- that it is safe for you out there, and that I simply need to accept that. Then I will ask you to accept the fact that I will need to go behind the van and toss my lunch. At first I was frustrated by that comment, because all I could see was someone saying "I want to throw up when I read about your sexuality," and I was like: grrr. But now I look at that comment, and I see such important points, points that are utterly crucial to the developing language that distinguishes S&M from abuse. I will say first that I have never personally survived that kind of abuse. But I have received emails from people asking me to write about this, over and over, and I hope that I can help those folks by offering my thoughts. I have also spoken to some abuse experts who tell me that, behind closed doors, they do talk about this: they discuss how the existence of real desire, real catharsis, and real intimacy within an abusive context can look terrifyingly similar to descriptions of S&M encounters. Rape survivors of all genders sometimes experience physical pleasure and even orgasm while being assaulted. A paper about this was published in the 2004 Journal of Clinical Forensic Medicine, and there are plenty of first-person accounts around the Internet. Here's an explicit and tremendously saddening quotation from one of them: I kept physically fighting him off and telling him that though I respected him as my pastor and as a father figure I wanted him to stop. He pushed me, tore my clothes and raped me. ... [The pain was incredible as they were very rough and forceful. After what seemed like forever I blacked out. I remember the pastor shaking me hard and slapping me across the face. He then shoved down my throat ten or so Excedrin (a medicinal mixture of pain killer and caffeine) so that I would stay awake. One of the most disturbing things that happened that night is that I had an orgasm. Despite years of marriage, it was my first orgasm ever. It really confused me. I thought some part of me must be mentally sick to have experienced the pleasure of an orgasm during this horrific trauma. Here's the thing about consent: orgasm is not consent. Physical pleasure is only the HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018661

body's reaction to certain types of stimulation. Also: sexual desire is not consent. And love isn't consent, either. If I feel sexual desire for my partner, and my body feels good when he touches me, and I love him, yet I make it clear that I don't want to have sex right now... then he's still violating my consent if he has sex with me. (Obviously, if I want to say "no" and mean "yes,” then it's my responsibility to negotiate that ahead of time and set a safeword.) In short: There can be pleasure, desire, and even love existing alongside real abuse. But that doesn't mean it's not abuse. This is as true with S&M as it is with non-S&M Sex. I once spoke to a person who referred to himself as an abuser, who told me that he'd read descriptions of S&M aftercare, and that he saw his own tactics within them. He told me when he thought about it, he had always considered it to be "brainwashing." And I can see it. That's the scary part. I really can see it. I can believe that when we have powerful S&M experiences, we tap into the same parts of our brains that could otherwise be used for psychological manipulation and destruction. S&M shows us how to create and utilize enormous mental vulnerability through violence... and vulnerability can always be abused. In the literature exploring the cycle of abuse, people often write about the "reconciliation phase,” in which the abuser is all sweetness and light to their victim; I can't help but wonder how much of the "reconciliation phase" could be recognized as non-consensual aftercare. How much of an abuser's power over their victim might come from the mental malleability that cautious S&Mers learn to respect? This does not mean that our bodies are broken. The woman whose words I published at the top of this article called it "the cruelest of design flaws and the worst people understand it and the most compassionate people don't." But we don't have to perceive this as a flaw -- it's not a flaw any more than orgasms are a flaw. Some S&M instructors compare S&M mental states to "altered states," like being drunk; there's nothing wrong with being drunk, but people should be careful with alcohol. Our bodies are instruments with certain powers and vulnerabilities that we must respect. This power and vulnerability is one of the biggest reasons I do the writing that I do. Because although they're invisible, I do have a sense of the fences that FormerWildChild talked about when she commented at Feministe: the fences that keep S&Mers from falling into the Grand Canyon of abuse. Those invisible fences around the canyon are constructed from self-awareness, self-esteem, respect, and consent. Building Fences Around The Canyon How do we build fences around the canyon? We build them by seeking to understand our desires, and talk openly with our partners, and respect our partners’ limits. So I write about communication and self-examination and learning to value my boundaries... and I hope it will help people learn what it means to play at the edge, rather than falling into the canyon. This is scary, loaded, complicated territory. I certainly don't have all the answers. But I have ideas on how we might begin finding answers from here. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018662

Firstly, S&Mers and feminists both need to be aware of this emotional and biological phenomenon. It can create a sense of overwhelming intimacy with unexpected partners. And it can be used as a tool by abusers who groom relationships that started consensually into abusive relationships. Secondly, we must keep talking about communication and boundary-setting. An important part of this discussion is openly discussing what happens when well- intentioned S&Mers screw up, and how we deal with that. Again, I wrote about that in "What Happens After an S&M Encounter "'Gone Wrong." Thomas MacAulay Millar has a great post that lists the mistakes that can happen within S&M. He mentions, for example, that sometimes there are genuine physical "technical" errors; sometimes people also hit "landmines" or unexpected psychological problems (I also covered landmines in my post). Talking openly about screwups makes it harder for abusers to claim that they "just screwed up.” Thirdly, within our communities, we need to spread the word -- especially to people who we believe might be inexperienced or vulnerable or otherwise in a position to have this used against them. TK OK ok After June 16, 2012, this can be found on the Internet at: http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2012/06/16/sm-aftercare-or-brainwashing COMMUNICATION: [theory] Feminist S&M Lessons From the Seduction Community This was originally split into three parts and published in 2011 at GoodMenProject.com. Obviously, it covers some territory that I also cover in Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser, but the book is much chattier and has more fun anecdotes. Also, you should totally buy the book. Okay, I'll stop advertising it now. TK OK ok Feminist S&M Lessons From the Seduction Community There is an enormous subculture devoted to teaching men how to seduce women. Within the last half-decade or so, these underground "pickup artists” have burst into the popular consciousness, aided by Neil Strauss's bestselling book The Game and VH1's hit reality show The Pick-Up Artist. Pickup artists -- also known as the "seduction community" -- exchange ideas in thousands of online fora, using extensive in-group jargon. One pickup artist site lists "over 715 terms, and counting." There are pickup artist meetups, clubs, and subculture celebrities all over the world. There are different ideological approaches and theoretical schools of HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018663

seduction. Well-known pickup artist "gurus" can make millions of dollars per year: they may sell books; they may sell hours of "coaching"; they may organize training "bootcamps" or conventions with pricy tickets; they may run companies full of instructors trained in their methods. The community even generates its own well-thought- out internal critiques. I am a sex-positive feminist lecturer and writer. I write primarily about my experiences with sadomasochism, but I have a general interest in sexuality. I first encountered pickup artists when smart ones started attending my educational events and commenting on my blog. Some aspects of pickup artistry are hugely problematic; many parts of the community showcase and encourage misogyny. While exploring the PUA jungle, I observed things that turned my stomach and brought tears to my eyes. On the other hand, I had to admit that some pickup artist perspectives were very interesting. Some had fascinating insights about gender theory and social power. I also felt drawn by their exploits. Learning seduction, and watching hypothetically-dazzling Casanovas run a courtier-like game, sounded like an extremely fun way to spend my time. I started my journey by talking to a few pickup artists and reading their fora. By the end, I had given a lecture at a seduction convention, and I had decided against developing my own coaching business. Today, I can offer a quick synopsis of my own history, and why I became so interested in PUAs. I will break down some elementary distinctions among the men of the seduction community. Finally, I will offer a few PUA-influenced thoughts on feminist goals. te Kk ok I was an awkward little bookworm of a child, but at least I was creative. I liked to draw, invent games, and run amateur social experiments. When I was in high school, most of my friends were on the Internet; I did not date a real-life boyfriend until college. I was inevitably teased by my peers, but even when treated well, I rarely engaged with the social hierarchies around me. I had difficulty grasping how social mechanics were "supposed" to work. A lot of things seemed obvious to other people that were not obvious to me. For example, in sixth grade, a female friend of mine teased me about flirting with a boy. "What was I doing?" I asked. "Come on, you were flirting!" she responded. While I thought I almost understood what she meant, I was unsure -- so I set out to poll everyone I knew about what constitutes "flirting." Responses were inconsistent. One person said, very definitely: "Giggling." Others cited examples such as "intense looks" or "making jokes." By the end of this experiment, I concluded that no one seemed able to explain "flirting" in terms of consistent behaviors; there were few commonalities in my final list. From what I could tell, flirting could only be explained in terms of invisible interpersonal dynamics. I found this both entertaining and frustrating. I sometimes wonder what would have become of me if the modern pickup artist community had existed back then, and I had discovered it. PUAs devote a lot of time to HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018664

understanding seduction in terms of observed behaviors. They have terms for social tactics that run the gamut from creating rapport, to encouraging trust, to building sexual tension, to shifting social power. But although the purpose of these social tactics is to manipulate emotion, the tactics are typically described as concretely as possible. Some PUA coaches provide long memorized "routines," but it is more common to talk about particular social actions or broader strategies. One famous PUA tactic is called the "neg." "Neg" stands for "negative hit," and one site defines a neg as "a remark, sometimes humorous, used to point out a woman's flaws." Like many PUA terms, the deeper meanings and usage vary from PUA to PUA -- but there is an especially dramatic range of meanings with "neg." Some PUAs see negs as friendly teasing: a way for the PUA to show that he is paying attention to the girl, without appearing needy or overeager. I can offer a cute example of this approach from my own life. I was sitting in a cafe with a former PUA, and he gazed deep into my eyes. "Wait a minute,” he said slowly. "Are your glasses held together by epoxy? It looks like you had to repair them at the comers." "Yeah," I admitted. He grinned. "Everything about you just screams ‘starving artist,’ doesn't it.” This made me laugh for quite a while. I think it worked because he understood that I have chosen (for now) to be a broke writer -- but he also recognized the tension I feel about that choice. So this gentleman was demonstrating that he correctly discerned my priorities; that he is not bothered by a choice that makes me feel self-conscious; and that he is confident enough to tease me. Also, at a moment when I thought he might compliment my eyes, the former PUA shook up my expectations by breaking the romantic pattern. Often, effective flirting involves offering the right mixture of confidence plus charming novelty plus paying attention. PL Some PUAs see negs more strategically, as a way of passing a woman's "tests" or breaching her indifference. They argue that this is necessary for women who are very high-status, very beautiful, etc. They argue that some women develop a kind of immunity to compliments, and that some women actively prefer feisty, faux-adversarial flirting. Most PUAs only advocate using negs on women who meet a certain "minimum" level of attractiveness, or who seem particularly feisty. Neil Strauss, a famous PUA and author of the bestseller The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, once wrote that: When you give a woman who's often hit on a generic compliment, she will usually either ignore the remark or assume you're saying it because you want to sleep with her. When you tease her and show her that you're unaffected by her beauty and demonstrate that you're out of her league -- and THEN let her work to win you over and ultimately REWARD her with your approval, she will leave that night feeling good about herself. Like something special happened and she connected with somebody who appreciates her for who she REALLY is. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018665

In short, a neg will buy you the credibility you need to sincerely compliment her later. That said, I don't necessarily advocate negs; they are in many ways a temporary patch to stick onto your personality while you learn to possess real confidence and strength of character. Although this is a manipulative approach, it is not inevitably harmful. It also is not limited to the sphere of sexual relationships; humans often pretend not to care what other people think, and consistently attempt to be taken seriously by others. Additionally, for many people, flirting involves a certain amount of strategic ambiguity and plausible deniability, and negs are a useful tactic for that kind of game. Not everyone likes playing such tacit and confusing games, but many people do. However, this is all cute and mild compared to how some PUAs talk about negs: some cite the neg specifically as a tactic to make the girl feel bad. A well-known PUA who goes by the name of Tyler Durden once wrote that: "You use self-esteem negs to lower the target's self-esteem, and crave your attention to re-validate herself." Similarly, an especially pitiless PUA blogger who is sometimes described as "the Darth Vader of PUAs" writes that: The best negs are those which are conceivably meant as compliments, but which linger in her psyche for hours afterward, undermining her self-conception and encouraging her to qualify herself to you [i.e. encouraging her to explain why she's worth your time].... [A neg] infiltrates a girl's subconscious so that she spends more mental energy analyzing her worth than she does analyzing yours. One commenter adds to the above blogger's words that: "So long as you have a woman auditioning for you, power remains where it belongs -- squarely in your pocket." In other words, a person who feels anxious and unworthy will be easier to control. These cruel PUAs have learned the same lesson as thousands of people in abusive relationships. Here is an especially instructive quotation from the comments on "Darth Vader's" blog: "[Women] really are insipid, vapid airheads. If it wasn't for the pussy, there would be a bounty on them.” That statement is interesting not just because of its hatred but because of its fear. After all, no one puts a bounty on targets that are not dangerous. The most misogynist corners of the PUA subculture not only discuss ways to aggressively manipulate women; they also paint women as selfish, deceitful and hazardous. The various approaches to negging highlight both the different shadings of opinion across the subculture, and a particularly important distinction among PUAs themselves. Some of these men genuinely do enter pickup artistry out of a desire to connect to women. As one PUA told me, "When I first looked at PUA stuff, I was like, 'This is so sleazy and gross.’ But I'd never had a girlfriend, and I kept telling myself, "Dude, you are lonely and miserable and you don't want to die alone." On the other hand, many PUAs become PUAs because they want unilateral power and control over women -- and many PUAs attempt to justify this through narratives and jokes that encourage fear and anger against women. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018666

Aside from the "connection" vs. "control" distinction, there is also a distinction between PUAs who are seeking what is essentially self-help, and those who aren't. The PUA concept that best illustrates this is "inner game." Inner game is, essentially, genuine confidence and sense of purpose. It contrasts with "outer game" -- 1.e., the things a PUA says and does to attract women. A "neg" would count as "outer game," for example. Most successful PUAs reach a point where they decide that, in the words of one coach: emotionless "sport-fucking kinda sucks." (Some PUAs start at this point, but that is a bit unusual.) They conclude that it's time to pull back from the game; to seek longer-term or more emotionally connected sex; to examine their priorities; and to discover interests aside from picking up new girls. Finding themselves in this way can be described as "inner game." The men who discuss inner game often talk about developing their own businesses, exercising regularly, keeping a healthier diet, accepting their own vulnerabilities, pursuing hobbies, and improving their connections with people of all genders. Most PUAs also realize that women respond well to genuine confidence and sense of purpose. This could be seen as ironic: notwithstanding the fact that "inner game" emphasizes self-improvement, the concept is still centered on seducing women. However, despite the fact that "inner game" is centered on gaming ladies, its ultimate result is usually to encourage PUAs to think about what they really want from life. PUA coach Mark Manson once wrote that, "You don't end up in the Pick Up Artist community unless you are incredibly unhappy or unsatisfied about something. It may be conscious, it may be unconscious. It may be short-term, or it may be deep-seated and long-term." He later wrote to me by email that: "This is a giant self-help community in disguise.” I also once interviewed Neil Strauss himself, who said he hoped that his famous book The Game could become "the beginning of a men's self-help movement -- because self-help isn't emasculating anymore if you're doing it to get laid.” Interestingly, Neil Strauss also told me that he agreed with feminism in many ways, and said things like: "We still are a patriarchal society." Many feminists felt that my interview with him was full of problematic statements, and his words were picked apart by feminist readers. I do not disagree with many feminist critiques of what Strauss said -- but considering where Strauss was coming from, his words were extraordinarily supportive of feminism. One feminist commented to me that, "I don't understand why you're not more critical of this guy." In response, it is worth noting how an anti-feminist writer responded to Strauss's words: Whether Strauss is an ignorant fool or an opportunist liar who wants to appease feminists in order to avoid negative feedback is anyone's guess, but if his words are anything to go by, we can safely assume that the best-known public advocates of Game are perfectly OK with parroting feminist dogma. For the few, mild pro-feminist statements Strauss made, some PUAs deride him as either an "ignorant fool or an opportunist liar." (Others hurled particularly misogynist insults such as "mangina.") This is both a demonstration of how vitriolic PUA anti-feminist sentiment can become, and an example of the social shaming that sometimes leads men HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018667

in the PUA community to avoid associating themselves with anything resembling feminist thought or woman-friendly perspectives. Clearly, many men view pickup artistry as a kind of therapy. The community can be a support group for self-confidence and self-improvement. Unfortunately, many corners of the seduction community are also a support group for virulent misogyny. Some feminists argue that any man who seeks self-help through the seduction community is effectively embracing misogyny, because so much of the community is misogynist. However, some PUA students could be interpreted as seeking self-help from the only avenue they see as acceptable, if they are coming from a culture that usually defines self-help as un- masculine or anti-masculine. Again, note that Neil Strauss said: "self-help isn't emasculating anymore if you're doing it to get laid.” The most confusing thing about misogyny among PUAs is that although some more- misogynist PUAs separate themselves consciously from non-misogynist PUAs, and vice versa, the groups still overlap a great deal. Even PUA-influenced men who prioritize non- misogyny, and are willing to talk to a feminist writer like me, often seem to soak up misogynist ideas from the rest of the subculture. At one point, I talked to one PUA I thought was committed to being non-sexist... until he expounded quite seriously upon how his favorite PUA blogger thinks the USA would be better off if women did not vote. One goal of my book, Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser, is to draw clearer lines: to give examples of PUAs and PUA approaches that seem more abusive or inclined towards harm, as opposed to approaches that seem mostly playful, harmless or even positive. TK OK ok Although I want to cry when I see statements like, "If it wasn't for the pussy, there would be a bounty on women,” I try not to let it distract me from some insights emerging from the seduction community. By focusing empirically and pragmatically on the process of sexual escalation, PUAs are approaching gender norms in a way that many people -- including feminists -- usually do not. Also, I can relate to some PUAs because some PUAs have the same history of social anxiety that I do. I have another personal reason for feeling uncomfortable painting PUAs as "the enemy.” When feminists criticize how PUAs approach sexuality, I have mixed feelings, because I myself am known for sexual desires that are unpopular with some feminists. As I grew out of being an awkward little bookworm nerd, as I began dating and exploring my sexual needs, I started to understand my sexuality as being heavily involved with BDSM. Consensual BDSM is a heavily stigmatized type of sexuality, although some sexologists have argued that it might be viewed as a sexual orientation. Many feminists marginalize BDSM just as much as the rest of society does -- or more. Famous German feminist Alice Schwarzer once said: "Female masochism is collaboration,” and a recent history of Ms. Magazine quotes a co-founding editor who recalls that: I threatened to leave over a manuscript by a woman who was a former editor of ours who was writing about why she was a masochist and trying to make it an okay choice. I would rather leave than work for a magazine that published that. And we didn't publish it. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018668

As a result, notwithstanding my considerable feminist writing and activism, I live in fear of my "feminist card" being revoked because of my BDSM identity. Yet, simultaneously, my practice of BDSM has greatly informed my feminist understanding. Rape and consent are both very important feminist issues, and much of the BDSM community obsessively examines sexual consent. The dominant BDSM community "mantra" is "SSC: Safe, Sane, and Consensual." Some people debate whether another "mantra" would be better, but I have never heard of someone removing the "consensual" part. Indeed, the ways many BDSMers think of sexual consent overlap dramatically with the ways that many feminists think of it. Safewords are a famous and high-profile example of careful BDSM communication tactics. They are specific code words that any participant can use to stop the sexual action at any time. Safewords are important in a context where one partner might want to scream "No!" or "Please don't!" or "Mercy!" with no intention of actually stopping the action. Safewords serve another, stealthier, but equally important function: they bring home the idea that consent is a continuously changing process. Consent is part of the ongoing sexual negotiation that takes place between two people. Here, BDSM consent ideas overlap heavily with feminist consent ideas. For example, one article by high-profile feminist Jaclyn Friedman pushes back against dominant conceptions of consent by stating that "consent is not a lightswitch." As Friedman writes: Sexual consent isn't like a lightswitch, which can be either "on," or "off." It's not like there's this one thing called "sex" you can consent to anyhow. "Sex" is an evolving series of actions and interactions. You have to have the enthusiastic consent of your partner for all of them. And even if you have your partner's consent for a particular activity, you have to be prepared for it to change. Safewords are, effectively, a constant reminder that "you have to be prepared for [consent] to change.” BDSMers and feminists tend to teach explicit, straightforward verbal sexual communication -- in contrast to the seduction community, which typically teaches non- verbal or playfully tacit sexual communication. For example, the seduction community has an extensive array of discussions about how to initiate flirtatious touching, which PUAs refer to as "kino." The seduction community also places a strong emphasis on developing skill at reading a social situation without asking exactly what is going on; if a PUA is good at understanding implicit social signals, he is described as "calibrated." For BDSMers and feminists, the sexual consent territory continues to overlap after safewords. Huge factions, if not majorities, within both groups have concluded that the best way to encourage consent is not merely to encourage people to understand that they can withdraw consent at any point -- but to encourage open communication and self- knowledge about sex. Among feminists, an example of this approach is Jaclyn Friedman's brand-new book What You Really, Really Want: The Smart Girl's Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety. Salon's Tracy Clark-Flory notes in an interview with Friedman that: HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018669

The book is filled with writing exercises that prompt readers to reflect on everything from body image to sexual assault. It's essentially a guide to writing one's own personal sexual manifesto. Among BDSMers, an example of this approach is the multi-page checklists that some BDSMers use. (I already wrote about this in my piece "Sex Communication Tactic Derived From S&M: Checklists,” reprinted earlier in this book; just in case you haven't read it, I'll briefly describe them.) Checklists are essentially lists of every conceivable BDSM.-related act; each act on the checklist looks something like this: FLOGGING -- GIVING O0O000 FLOGGING -- RECEIVING O0O000 Each partner rates each entry by filling out 1-5 bubbles, with 1 darkened bubble meaning "Not interested" and 5 bubbles meaning "I crave this!" This type of explicit communication is both an excellent way to help partners understand each other's desires -- and to help partners understand each other's boundaries. In a way, this sort of thing could be seen as "Master Class" consent communication. This was the context whence I emerged when I started investigating pickup artistry. Iam a feminist, but I'm a flavor of feminist with a troubled history within the movement. I am an advocate for explicit communication, but I believe that no aspect of consent should be ignored, and I am concerned that many feminists and BDSMers give a certain unwarranted privilege to explicit verbal communication over implicit or non-verbal communication. People seem likely to develop a preference for explicit communication if it seems more necessary. For instance, many BDSMers develop a preference for explicit communication because our desires are unusual and precise, and complicated words will help us get what we want. Feminists develop the same preferences because explicit communication is the clearest way to ensure sexual consent. Accordingly, some people attempt to promote explicit sexual communication by saying: We should make it necessary. Here's an example exchange from the comments on a thoughtful feminist BDSM blog. A male commenter asks: I once had an argument with a very good female friend of mine about kissing. She was perturbed about a date who asked her if he could proceed to kiss her. She said the man Should just know. It should be instinctual and u lose the moment as soon as u ask. I said that was bs, the first move is one of the most nerve wracking things, the very fact that he asked shows his politeness and tact and frankly a lack of presumptuousness.... What do you think? What's the line between politeness and passivity? The feminist blogger, an intelligent and awesome lady who goes by the name Holly Pervocracy, responds that: I don't say this very often, but "you lose the moment as soon as you ask" girls really are ruining it for the rest of us. As far as I'm concerned, they can go without ever being kissed until they wise up. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018670

However, I think (or would like to think? augh) that most girls are not like that, and that you should not plan for girls to be like that. I'd definitely rather offend someone by asking than offend them by not asking. Holly implies that people who don't like explicit communication should effectively be banned from kissing: she says, "they can go without ever being kissed until they wise up.” I have a certain cantankerous sympathy for this perspective, and I have said similar things myself in the past. But my research into pickup artists made me wonder about whether this perspective is tenable, given a world in which most people seem to enjoy and engage in a great deal of tacit communication. Speaking only for myself, I must admit that I like it when a man can read my unspoken signals well enough that he can tell when to kiss me without asking aloud. Sometimes it can be nice when a guy asks. But if he can read my tacit communication about kissing, that is a signal that he can read a lot of my other tacit communication as well. Furthermore, if many people really enjoy unspoken social games and strategic uncertainty, then "the game" will never go away. Evidence that people enjoy those things does not only include the pickup artist subculture -- romantic comedies and romance novels consistently find a market, after all. Additionally, part of improving sexual communication means learning more about unspoken communication -- not just spoken communication. The pioneering social economist Peter F. Drucker once said, "The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said." This maxim is no less true when it comes to sex than it is in any other area of human endeavor. PUAs have spent years gathering information on tacit sexual communication, so perhaps one feminist goal should be to try and understand what they've learned, such as the characteristics of excellent social "calibration." Some feminists and BDSMers exist who already think a lot about teaching implicit or unspoken communication. On the feminist side, one webpage about sexual violence features an image of a woman saying: "I stopped kissing you back. I pushed your hand away. I said I wanted to leave. It all meant 'NO'." On the BDSM side, there is often an expectation that BDSM partners will discuss their experience and reactions once they are done doing BDSM with each other, so as to learn more about how to read each other's tacit signals. However, I have never encountered a BDSM seminar on the topic of non- verbal communication, though I've attended several on verbal communication. My perspective on non-verbal communication is not without precedent among feminist BDSMers, though my willingness to deal extensively with PUAs might be. Still, I believe that non-verbal communication is not taught well, and that feminists and BDSMers in particular do not spend enough time discussing its role in sexual interactions. Given that both communities emphasize that consent and communication are crucially intertwined, perhaps both communities might draw insight from some PUA conceptions of "kino," "calibration" and other ways of examining implicit communication. I once started a thread about pickup artists on a major feminist blog, to which one feminist responded: "I'm getting so sick of these PUA threads.... So I'll just come out and say it: PUAs rape women through coercion and manipulation. Full stop.” HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018671

There are a lot of things about pickup artistry that I really do not like. There were points during my PUA adventures when I learned about incidents and strategies that blatantly sound like rape. This is a huge can of worms, and I discussed it at great length in my book. For now I will only note that there is an entire PUA area of inquiry called "Last Minute Resistance" (or "LMR"): that is, what happens when a woman resists having sex. "Last Minute Resistance tactics" ("LMR tactics") are designed to convince a woman who has expressed hesitance, distaste or discomfort to have sex anyway. "The first two 'no's don't mean much, and should be expected,” advises one PUA while outlining LMR tactics. This is exactly the kind of thing that gives the community a bad name. In fairness, some PUAs talk about trying to understand why a girl is uncomfortable, and then addressing the root cause of her discomfort. For example, a PUA might advise asking whether she is menstruating, and then reassuring her that he won't be grossed out by having sex if she is. Some PUAs try to claim that most LMR tactics are harmless and communicative, but this is a difficult claim to defend. I have always been more impressed by the few PUAs who simply advocate respecting Last Minute Resistance, such as David Shade: Do not push against last minute resistance. You will be like all the other guys who objectify women and do not respect her as a real person. And it will reek of desperation. ... In fact, move things along just slightly slower than she'd like it. Make her wait. It builds that sexual tension, and it makes her think. When she is away from you, she is going to think about it a lot. Of course, while Shade is advising his clients to respect boundaries, he's advising them to respect boundaries as a tactic for seducing the woman eventually. Another example of this approach comes from Mark Manson, who appears more interested in respecting women for the sake of respecting women, but whose main thrust is still seduction advice: In [an LMR situation], there's always a fork in the road: you can do the typical freeze- out/high-pressure PUA bullshit to try to manipulate her or annoy her into giving up the resistance. Or you can be honest about the situation and resign yourself to accepting the fact that you may not have sex tonight. Guys, listen. Always, always, always go with the second option. It may sound counter- intuitive, but you have to go with the second option. Not only because it's the right thing to do. Not only because it's what any respectful human being should do. But because if you make it clear that there is absolutely no pressure for her to sleep with you, if you Show her that you can be trusted and that you're OK with whatever she decides (and by the way, you do need to be OK with whatever she decides), then she's going to become ten times more comfortable with you, and therefore is actually more likely to WANT to have sex with you. PUA frameworks and tactics are often consent-friendly. Many "LMR tactics" encourage pushiness or even outright non-consensual behavior, such as ignoring the woman when she says, "No." Yet things I discussed in previous sections of this article — such as "negs,” and body-language "kino" tactics -- are clearly neutral: their usage is shaped mostly by the goals of individual PUAs and the social context in which they occur. Discussions of HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018672

social "calibration" -- increasing one's capacity to read social situations -- as well as "inner game" and being attractive by improving oneself will generally be a positive good. Indeed, it could be argued that no PUA tactics are inherently abusive, but some are more obviously susceptible to being used badly... the same way a sword is more obviously susceptible to evil usage than a table. Previous feminist writers have usually preferred to complain about the seduction community's misogyny rather than examining the community deeply. I have been more interested to see whether I could understand and make use of the positive PUA theories. Understanding the "Darth Vader" types might be useful, too. There is a percentage of PUAs who are non-consensually hurting women, and if we learn how those men do it, we might also figure out how to disarm them. I must acknowledge that I eventually felt that the community was damaging, poisonous, and unhealthy for me -- to the extent that I needed to get out and detox. (PUA detox is a recognized phenomenon even among some PUAs... and former PUAs.) However, there are truths within it that are both intriguing and important. I have never quite erased my fear of having my "feminist card" revoked, although it is not clear how "feminists" -- a fractious group if ever there was one -- could withdraw my presence in the movement. There is no Central Standards Bureau for feminists. Perhaps inevitably, the feminist reaction to Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser was quite mixed... although some other feminists appear to agree that there are important and interesting things to learn from PUAs about gender, culture, and feminist consent models. An overall lesson here might be that thinkers with a lot in common are increasingly isolated from each other through the accelerating Balkanization of detailed, insular, interest-based subcultures. Like the drive towards interdisciplinary research in academia, perhaps a kind of interdisciplinary subcultural approach is being developed by those of us more interested in building bridges than burning them. te ok ok This can be found on the Internet at: http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2012/02/27/feminist-sm-lessons-from-the-seduction- community/ S&M: [storytime] The Strange Binary of Dominance and Submission I wrote this in early 2012, and it was originally published at RoleReboot.org. If I had to summarize my relationship with this gentleman today, then ironically enough, I'd say that "it got complicated and I'm pretty sure it's over now." I still like this piece, though. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018673

te OK ok The Strange Binary of Dominance and Submission It's been a while since I felt simultaneously very into someone, and very sure about him. It's a strange feeling. I've been playing with theories about how "flirtation is basically an exercise in strategic ambiguity” and "insecurity is an integral part of romantic intoxication" and "uncertainty is an emotional amplifier," and I do think that those ideas are true in many ways. But I got so wrapped up in theory that I forgot how it feels to be way into someone... and only a little bit scared. te OK ok I met Mica at a Saturday night party. When I left the next morning, he said he wanted to see me again as soon as possible. "Monday?" he asked. "Tuesday?" "Monday," I said. "Tomorrow." He's a smart, creative thinker. There are layers to him, and he practically shines: so why not name him for the mineral Mica? I would love talking to him for those reasons alone. But there's also a kind of certainty to him; a calm presence; an extraordinary quality of attention. Once he's focused on a partner, there's a rhythm behind everything he does. He's so precise that when I'm kissing him, I feel like an awkward puppy. I observed this very quickly, and something else: that the quality of his attention -- often overtook him. Controlled him. In a sexual interaction, it's difficult to distract him from catering to me. And since he’s excellent at reading my desires, I usually don't want to distract him. It made me think of what I was like, years ago, before I understood my submissive tendencies. Mica hadn't done much explicit S&M before, and when he'd done it, he was dominant. I didn't want to project too much, or make any assumptions about him... but I couldn't help noticing. The second night I was with him, I asked him to inflict light pain on me. Very light. I didn't want to go further with him, yet. But his instincts for delivering pain and watching my reactions were, as I suspected, beautifully calibrated. The third night I was with him, he touched my face and kissed me. I felt my eyelashes flutter and my body melt, and he smiled. Then he said, "I'm feeling really gentle tonight. I don't know how much I'm up for.” He doesn't want S&M right now, I thought. Sometimes guys date me and get anxious that I'll be disappointed when they don't want to do S&M. This is understandable, given that I'm an S&M writer. But I hate that, because the last thing I want is for one of my partners to feel obligated... and besides, even I don't want all-S&M_-all-the-time. I smiled directly into Mica's eyes and told him I was fine with it. In bed, I watched him. Watched his extraordinary attentiveness. Eventually we got to a point where I was leaning over him, kissing him. I watched him give up his body to the kiss. He doesn't want S&M right now, I thought... except that his main experience with S&M, so far, is being in charge. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018674

"Do you trust me?” I asked him. "Yes," he said. "Absolutely." I clenched my nails into Mica's side, and his back arched. It was the clearest invitation I'd seen from him and, I suspected, the clearest invitation he knew how to give. If he even knew that he was giving it. It can take a lot of time and experience for a submissive to learn what they want well enough to give good feedback for it. It's one of those submissive skills that people don't think about enough, because for some reason we're always too busy teaching dominant skills. I kissed Mica again, and tore into his back. He was ready for it. His breathing fast became irregular; he gasped; he shook in my hands. After a while, I pulled back and simply observed the intensity flooding through him. His body undulated like a wave. "I knew you were dangerous," he breathed. "In exactly the way that I want." "Dangerous," I repeated. I hesitated. "What do you mean?” His eyelashes flickered, and I saw that he was too far under to answer me. He probably barely knew what he was saying. (In S&M, we call this state of mind subspace.) I pushed him a little farther. I only used my nails, but you can do a lot with your nails. I said his name, over and over. He struggled, he fought his own body. I observed the struggle and saw myself in it. "I know," I told him. Eventually Mica said, quite seriously, that he wanted to stop. I was certain that he could take more. A lot more. I might have been able to convince him to continue, and had him thank me for it later. But he needs to know that I'll respect him when he says to stop. Also, in a somewhat self-interested way, I don't want to set a precedent where his boundaries are entirely nonverbal; where his limits depend on my capacity to see through him. Maybe someday, when we know each other really well. Right now, it would make it too easy to seriously harm him... and for him to hate me afterwards. So I stopped. "No one has ever touched me so deeply, so fast before," Mica said, later. And, later later: "This changes everything." I lay still, kept my arms around him, listening. "That was total catharsis," he said. "I mean --" a note of doubt crept into his voice. "Do you actually like doing that?” "Yes," I said. I said it fast and hard, because he needs to believe it. I understood why he was asking: I've been there. When I was first getting into S&M, the first time I felt that way, I had a hard time believing that my partner actually liked doing that for me. It felt so incredible. It felt like I couldn't possibly be giving back as much as I received. Sometimes, I still feel that insecurity. "I'm glad you like it," Mica said. I felt his body relax next to mine. "Because I'm going to want that again.” "I know," I said softly. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018675

I tried not to be afraid. Not only because I like him so much, and it's easy to be afraid. But because someone like Mica, who wants so much to give, can be seriously damaged by a partner who isn't careful to offer him space to be exactly who he is. And, most of all, because S&M is a complex and fickle mistress. Because I knew that if Mica expected me to be able to do that regularly, he was bound to be disappointed. His tendencies are there, and I can learn them, but this one "total catharsis" depended on a confluence of factors: there had been something close to his surface, something he'd practically begged me to pull out, and it had been his first time. Plus, S&M also depends on self-maintenance and reasonable expectations and respecting our own failures. An S&M relationship will be much less stable if the people involved can't accept imperfection. I was scared, scared, scared that Mica believed me to be more amazing than I could ever possibly be. KK ok The next day, Mica was thrilled by his scratches, and showed them off to me. I was pleased by how he eroticized the marks -- I do that, too -- but I also felt a moment of piercing guilt. "I'm sorry,” I said. "I should have been more careful, before leaving marks like that. I should have asked.” Mica met my eyes directly, insistently. "No," he said. "Don't be sorry. Last night was amazing. You knew exactly where I needed to go." I pushed back my fear -- he expects too much of me -- and answered quietly. I ended by telling him, "S&M can't be that, all the time." He nodded. I hoped he was listening. Fortunately, he was. The next time we did it, Mica was slightly disappointed that it wasn't mind-blowing -- as I knew he would be. But he dealt with it. He articulated the disappointment to me, and he remembered that I'd warned him, and he said that he was prepared to take things as they came. And then, lying on his side next to me, watching me, he asked: "Do you want pain?" I felt my eyes widen. I felt a spike of fear. I was already so into him. I knew that if I allowed him to get me to subspace, there'd be no going back. "Yes," I said. And again, that attention. In a way, sometimes, Mica's attentiveness can be strangely inconvenient. He's almost over-attuned to my desires. Even when I tell him to close his eyes, he can't lose himself that way; he can't make himself keep them closed. The quality of his attention is, however, quite remarkable when he hurts me. "This is where you could take me apart," I said afterwards, as I surfaced out of that terrible vulnerability. Mica looked at me, rested his head on me. "I just want to take care of you,” he said. KK Ok HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018676

When I was younger, it took me a while to get around to taking the dominant role. And there's still something I can reach when I'm being submissive and masochistic that I've never reached when I'm dominant. Still, I think of myself as a confirmed switch now: someone who can take either the submissive or dominant role. Yet it's such a strange binary, isn't it? If he rips me apart and then says, "I just want to take care of you," then which of us is in charge? Mica told me recently that, "When you're hurting me, my favorite thing you say is 'I know.’ Because you do know. You know exactly what it's like.” By now I'm barely scared. It hasn't been that long, and I'm trying to allow for New Relationship Energy. I know this could still go up in smoke. But we've talked about expectations, and we've talked through what we're both looking for, and we're both thinking of each other in a long-term way. If I had to point to events that "proved" Mica has serious potential, two things would top the list. First, in the aftermath of his first incredible S&M experience, when he dealt with the disappointment of realizing that S&M can't always be that -- dealt with it quietly, sensibly, without drama, by talking to me. And second, when he said, in defiance of most aggressive stereotypical dominant roles: "I just want to take care of you.” te Kk ok This can be found on the Internet at: http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2012/02/10/storytime-the-strange-binary-of-dominance- and-submission/ FEMINISM: [storytime] My Mom's Rape Story, and A Confused Relationship With Feminism I wrote this in 2012, for Mother's Day. It was originally published at the girl-power site OffOurChests.com. te OK ok My Mom's Rape Story, and A Confused Relationship With Feminism My mother is a rape survivor. In 1970, when she was in her twenties, she came home alone one day with the groceries. As she was opening the door, a man came up behind her and forced her into the apartment, where he violently assaulted her. For years afterwards, my mother had Rape Trauma Syndrome -- a type of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder that affects rape survivors -- but neither RTS nor PTSD had yet been identified, and psychiatrists didn't know what to do with her. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018677

Later in the decade, my mother dumped one of her boyfriends. He then came to her apartment one night, broke in, and raped her. As he got in bed, she was in the middle of a flashback. She cried and said "No," and he had sex with her anyway. When she tried to tell him later that what he'd done was unacceptable, he informed her that because she'd pursued him during their relationship -- because she was the one who originally asked him out -- a rape case would never stand up in court. My mother met my dad many years after these incidents. Mom first told me that she'd been raped in my late teens, because she was considering telling her story to our church congregation, and she wanted me to know before she did that. The full stories came out during intermittent conversations in my twenties. I love both my parents with the fire of a thousand suns, and let me tell you, I've spent an unreasonable amount of time fantasizing about murdering the men who attacked my mother. I doubt I could find the first guy, but I could probably find the second, and in my early twenties I often imagined shooting him in the head. (Don't worry, Mom, I don't think about that anymore.) Within the last few years, I started thinking about asking Mom's permission to write about her experiences and my reaction to them. I always shelved the idea because I felt that it wasn't my story to tell. Last year, the topic came up in conversation, and I finally asked permission; she said yes immediately. I double-checked her consent twice this year, and she said yes both times. Still, I was hesitant, and I only got around to it now -- for Mother's Day. I also asked her to review this piece, and to feel free to veto anything within it. I am doing my best not to co-opt or appropriate my mother's story. But her story and her life have shaped mine, intimately -- including my views on gender issues, and my course as a feminist activist and writer. A few years ago, a widely-read Harper's article by established feminist Susan Faludi asserted that the relationship between younger feminists and older feminists is like a battle between girls and our moms. I read the article with interest, but also with a sense of displacement. As a teenager I fought with my mom all the time, but she and I rarely argue anymore, and we never argue about issues of feminism or sexuality at all. If "young" feminism is about rebelling against our mothers, then I missed that boat completely. In fairness, my mom's not easy to rebel against. When I was 15, I asked her what she'd do if Iran off with a Hell's Angel. She laughed. "I'd probably be jealous," she said. te Kk ok I started blogging in 2008 because I wanted to write about sexuality, particularly S&M. However, I identified myself as a feminist from the start, because I wanted to make it obvious that S&M and feminism are not mutually exclusive. The conflicts of feminism and S&M have been a major theme throughout the Feminist Sex Wars. I tend to repeat myself when I write about this, so I'll just mention my favorite quotation on the matter; it comes from the German radical feminist Alice Schwarzer, who said, "Female masochism is collaboration!" When I came out of the closet to my mom, I had been freaking out about my S&M identity for a while -- but quietly. I told my parents about my sexuality because I wanted HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018678

to go into therapy, but I wanted a Kink Aware therapist who wouldn't shame me for my S&M preferences. The specific therapist I preferred was out-of-network for my health insurance, which meant I needed help paying for it. My dad was cool with it, but he didn't say much. My mother paused when I told her... and then she explained that S&M is part of her sexuality, too. I was shocked. I was also incredibly relieved. If my brilliant, independent mother was into S&M, then suddenly I felt much more okay about being into it myself. It turned out that she had explored S&M late in life -- and she went through the same anxiety about feminism and S&M that I'd felt. "You're not giving up your liberation,” she told me. Mom also acknowledged the stereotype that S&M arises from abusive experiences. "I once worried that being raped made me into S&M," she said. "But I remember having S&M feelings in my childhood and early teens, long before I was raped. I was like this all along." When she said that, I caught my breath in recognition. This is another topic I often repeat myself about, but that's because it's important. As it happens, the biggest and best-designed study on S&M found that there is no correlation between abusive experiences and being into S&M. There's also plenty of anecdotal evidence within the S&M community that a lot of S&Mers, though not all, feel our S&M identities to be innate (sometimes described as an "orientation"). This is not to say that there's anything wrong with understanding or processing abuse through consensual S&M. The psychologist Peggy Kleinplatz once published a scholarly article called "Learning From Extraordinary Lovers: Lessons From The Edge," which discusses how therapists can help their clients by studying alternative sexualities. Kleinplatz included a case study of a couple whose S&M experiences helped them process their histories of abuse. However, abusive experiences should not be seen as the usual "creator" of S&M desires. (For more on this, check out my article on S&M and the psychiatric establishment.) The stereotype that S&M "comes from" abuse is another reason I worried about writing this article. Basically, this is a prettily-wrapped gift to Internet commentators who enjoy writing posts or hate mail about how fucked up I am, or about how dysfunctional S&M is. I guess there's no help for that. KK Ok "I'm fascinated that you've adopted feminism so thoroughly," my mother told me once. "I never felt like I was into feminism like you are." "What?" I said. "Are you serious?” "Well, feminism shaped my life,” she said. "I really had my consciousness raised by some of my experiences. Not just being raped, but by other things, like seeing the anger and resentment among my mother and her sisters. Feminism helped me understand how women compete and put each other down because we're put in that position by men who have power over us. Sometimes, we're like animals who have been starved into fighting for scraps. "But," my mother continued, "I've never been sure about calling myself a feminist. There have always been a lot of feminist areas I didn't feel welcome. Your dad was a card- HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018679

carrying member of the National Organization for Women when I met him, and I refused to join. We used to joke about it. And you remember that recent article about the history of Ms. Magazine you emailed me? In the article, Gloria Steinem says that anyone could have walked into the Ms. office in the 1970s and gotten a job. But I certainly never felt like I could do that. I was actually living in New York when Ms. started, and I was even working in publishing... but I grew up on a farm in the midwest, and I wasn't like the women who ran Ms. They felt like a club." My upbringing has not been like my mother's. I grew up with a lot more privilege; my mother used to call me a spoiled "princess" when she was angry, and one of my ex- boyfriends used to tease me by calling me "East Coast Intellectual." Yet in a lot of ways, it took me a while to get into feminism, too. Gender issues have always been a strand of my thinking, but plenty of feminist discourse never impressed me. In university, I felt like everything I heard from feminism was a tortured conspiracy theory. And although I identified as "feminist" from the very beginning of blogging, it was out of a sense of resistance rather than feeling included. I felt like: Goddamnit, I will show you that I can be an independent and rational woman who values voting and abortion rights and equal opportunity and consent -- and be into S&M at the same damn time. As I kept writing, I was looking at other blogs about gender and sexuality, too. The ones whose analysis really spoke to me were usually feminist blogs. And those were also, often, the bloggers who noticed me in return. My work was highlighted by a number of feminist writers who wanted to raise my profile. Talking to them, I began to understand some sophisticated critiques that I'd previously labeled "conspiracy theories.” I expanded my understanding of topics like rape culture, as well as "tangential" social justice issues like race and class. My mother said to me, long afterwards: "Feminism really reached out and grabbed you, didn't it.” In 2011, I heard from a feminist friend about organizations that train volunteer advocates for rape survivors. In Chicago and many other cities, when people who have been raped go to the emergency room, the hospital will ask if they want an advocate. The advocate's role is to provide immediate crisis counseling and to help the survivor deal with complexities of the medical and legal system. The minute I heard about advocacy, I knew I wanted to do it. In 1970, my mother didn't have an advocate, for the simple reason that advocates did not yet exist. Rape Trauma Syndrome was first recognized by feminists in the 1970s, and assault advocacy was developed by feminists during that time as well. I told Mom all about the advocacy curriculum while I was completing it, and she drank up every detail. "I never got support like that," she said. "My boyfriend insisted that we go to the emergency room, and I guess he tried to advocate for me, but the doctors and nurses ignored me for 20 hours and then sent me home. It was worse that the nurses did. If sisterhood was powerful, then couldn't they reach out to me somehow?" (Rape survivors -- at least in Illinois -- are now prioritized in emergency rooms, second only to life-and-death situations.) Mom often regales me with tales about how things used to be. For example, when she became editor of her college newspaper in the 1960s, all the dudes on staff quit because HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018680

they wouldn't work under a woman. (Some returned later, rather sheepishly.) Other favorites have to do with menstruation. It turns out that back in the day, doctors — who were of course always male -- simply refused to accept the existence of PMS. Apparently, it was accepted among doctors that a woman who felt cramps while menstruating was "making it up." (Female nurses who attempted to describe the actual feeling were ignored.) It was understood that a woman who felt unusually emotional or even in physical pain while menstruating was just being moody and hysterical. (You know how women are!) As more women became doctors and feminism gained traction and science advanced with a broader perspective and scientists discovered the actual physical causes of cramps, PMS became recognized as a real thing. Cramps were no longer "typical female hysteria.” Which, of course, makes it all the more ironic that PMS is now often used as an excuse to discount women as hysterical. It makes me laugh, in my cynical way. It's kind of astonishing that a woman like my mother would disclaim a strong connection with feminism. And yet she does. KOK ok This year I had my first Full-On Internet Feminist Scandal, during which I received hate mail and hate comments from other feminists. (I name the event in capital letters because email from other feminists, some of whom I don't even know, has told me that if you stick with Internet Feminism long enough, it's basically inevitable that you obtain one of these.) The worst of it fell on a holiday when I was visiting my mother. Mom was helping out at church, and wanted me to attend the sermon. I sobbed for hours before leaving home; I managed to make it to church, but I was such a wreck when I got there that she put me in a back room so I could be alone to cry. To be clear, I definitely think that I've screwed up on some social justice issues in the past, and I'm sure that I will in the future. I am doing my best to keep myself honest and work on the areas where I've been called out. That's a crucial part of social justice work, and it's one I try to take seriously. But I have to tell you, the piece I wrote that drew the biggest backlash was one that my mother loved. (In the interests of accountability, I'll say that I do think a lot of the critiques are valid and important, like this one for example -- and, for those in the audience who are familiar with feminist call-out culture, I recommend a couple insightful comments from a brilliant Feministe commenter named saurus.) When I wrote the initial draft, I felt so uncertain that I asked Mom to review it, and she said: "I think this is one of the best things you've ever written." Yet one key factor in many of these critiques is that I failed to make enough space for rape survivors. I plan to write differently about the topic in the future, but there's real irony in the fact that the most important rape survivor in my life believes that one of my best pieces is the same one that got me hate mail for failing rape survivors. (Of course, I also received incredibly personal comments about my sex life. The Feminist Sex Wars ain't over yet.) Mom and I discussed it later, of course. She read some of the commentary online, and she came back shaking her head. "The things some feminists are saying about you really HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018681

floored me," she said. "But I'm not completely surprised. Feminism has always been one of those movements that eats its young. That's one reason I never identified with it. I think there are a lot of people my age who started out living feminist lives, who now wouldn't be caught dead calling themselves feminist. Women who had careers, who raised sensitive, loving sons and strong daughters... who find the baggage of the 'feminist’ label distasteful.” I've thought a lot about my mother's comment that feminism "eats its young.” One 2009 New Yorker article about feminism by Ariel Levy offered an interesting analysis of feminist divisions, but included one offhand claim that isn't explained or justified: "Revolutions are supposed to devour their young.” Is that so? Nobody told me. (Perhaps ironically, Levy presents this claim while stating that feminism has actually turned against its elders.) Some commentators have told me that if I can't take the heat, then I just shouldn't write about feminism. It hurts to think it, but maybe they're right. Somehow, the idea of being "a good feminist" has become utterly tangled up in my identity. It's a weak spot and a sore spot, in a way that I didn't anticipate and don't fully understand. I find social justice criticism to be nourishing when it's generous and constructive, sometimes even when it's aggressive -- but sometimes it feels so incredibly destructive. But as I said, I'm not at all the only feminist writer who feels that the community can be internally destructive. How much of the problem is the vitriol within some critiques, and how much is that feminism has become "who we are" rather than "something we do"? I think we can all agree that it's good to call out other people when they're screwing up -- but there has to be a way for us to build a movement without eating our young. Yet from what my mother tells me, we've never been good at that. On the bright side, I don't have to engage politically with feminism in order to be a feminist, or volunteer for feminist causes, or do feminist work. And it helps to understand that I don't have to be "a good feminist" for my mother to be proud of me. (My dad's another matter.) KK ok During one of our recent conversations, I confirmed again with my mother that I had permission to write about her experience. Then I asked her if she's out of the closet as a rape survivor. "I don't know,” she said thoughtfully. "I guess so. I don't really think about it. I'm happy with my life now." She paused and drank her tea for a moment. "I don't think of myself as a rape survivor anymore,” she added. "By 1980, ten years after the attack, I really thought I was emerging from the cave. And I was, but I was still metaphorically covered in dirt and cobwebs, with grit in my mouth. In the first few years I was with your dad -- the early 1980s -- I had residual fears. I had become frightened by subways, elevators, and surprise noises, and he helped me work my way through those very effectively. By 25 years, it was simply no longer a part of my current self. I'd say I am wiser and stronger for it, but I think an experience so shocking is a lousy way to build character. And a waste of time! I lost too many years. I hope that things like victim advocacy saves HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018682

people.” I'm glad that my mother feels good about life today, and I myself don't have the urge to track those guys down and rend them limb from limb. (Much.) Yet I wonder if the men who attacked her ever think about what they did. I wonder if the ex-boyfriend ever understood how thoroughly he brutalized someone he claimed to love, or how male privilege played a role in his actions. These days, I write a lot about masculinity, and I try to understand men's perspective on gender issues. Writing about men and gender is tricky territory, though. What if I end up shoring up the entitlement that led that those assholes to attack my mom? Mom told me that she Googled her rapist ex-boyfriend. He has three daughters. She wonders whether he ever thinks about it, too. Naturally, I also think a lot about feminism, and how we can make it both effective and welcoming. What does it mean when people call it a movement that "eats its young"? What does it mean that feminism has become so tied up in identity? What does it mean when a rape survivor who had a career and raised a feminist daughter won't call herself a feminist? What does it mean that taking on the "feminist" label means taking on a host of other associations -- associations that even women like my mother are unwilling to accept? KK ok This can be found on the Internet at: http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2012/05/25/my-moms-rape-story-and-a-confused- relationship-with-feminism/ Section 3 Study Guide Having established the building blocks of Section 1, and the extra perspectives of Section 2, this section was intended to pull together some seriously multi-layered syntheses. TK OK ok 1. Is it hard to relate BDSM theory and practice to feminism or anti-rape activism? If so, then how is it hard? If not, then why do some people believe that there are difficulties? KOK ok 2. Which issues of sexuality do you feel clear about, and which do you feel foggy or uncertain about? How and why? 2a. Do you have a sense of what makes you feel strong and centered in your sexuality and relationships? If so, how do you go about establishing those factors in your life? HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018683

te OK ok 3. Did you have a particularly hostile or excited reaction to any of these pieces? If so, why? ok 4. Are there any binaries or bright lines that you're questioning as a result of reading these pieces? 4a. Could questioning those divisions have an impact upon your identity, or upon the way you act towards others? ok oe 5. What are the overarching patterns that you see within the pieces in this section? How are these disparate topics relevant to each other? Sa. Does this stuff really have to be so complicated? te Ok ok About The Author KK Ok Clarisse Thorn is a feminist, sex-positive educator who has delivered sex-related lectures and workshops to a variety of audiences, including New York's Museum of Sex, San Francisco's Center for Sex & Culture, and universities across the USA. She created and curated the original Sex+++ sex-positive documentary film series at Chicago's historic feminist site, Jane Addams Hull-House Museum. She has also volunteered as an archivist, curator and fundraiser for that venerable S&M institution, the Leather Archives & Museum. In 2010, Clarisse returned from working on HIV mitigation in sub-Saharan Africa. Her writing has appeared across the Internet in many many places. She blogs about feminist sexuality with a focus on S&M at clarissethorn.com, and tweets @clarissethorn. Handy links for connecting with Clarisse: Blog: http://clarissethorn.com/blog Twitter: http://twitter.com/ClarisseThorn Facebook: http://(www.facebook.com/clarisse.thom Find other Smashwords books by Clarisse: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/clarissethorn * ok Also check out Clarisse's awesome book HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018684

Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser! * ok There's a huge subculture of men who trade tips, tricks, and tactics for seducing women. Clarisse Thorn, a feminist S&M writer and activist, spent years researching these guys. She observed their discussions, watched them in action, and learned their strategies. By the end, she'd given a lecture at a seduction convention. This is her story -- and her theories about feminism and seduction to boot. https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/14445 1 In paperback: https://www.createspace.com/3830583 Clarisse's Lectures, Workshops and Events Thank you so much for reading my work. Now for the hustle! I'm not just a writer -- I also give lectures and workshops, and organize events. Here's a short list of some of the lectures, workshops and events I offer. I'm available by email at [email protected], if you'd like to bring me in. TK OK ok * Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser. There's a whole subculture out there devoted to teaching men how to seduce women. Over the last few years, these underground "pickup artists" have slowly surfaced into the popular consciousness, with the help of bestselling books like Neil Strauss's The Game and hit reality shows like VH1's The Pick-Up Artist. | spent two years doing on-and-off research into these Casanovas. In this lecture I discuss my experiences talking to pickup artists, learning their techniques, understanding their community frameworks and norms, and eventually giving them tips on how to seduce women... all of which culminated in my book, Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser: Long Interviews With Hideous Men. This presentation was originally created for a lunchtime talk at the Center for Gender Studies at the University of Chicago, and I can deliver it in 90 minutes or less. * Leadership in the Bedroom: A Sexual Communication Workshop. Down-to-earth tips and ideas on how to communicate clearly about sex. This workshop was originally requested by the University of Illinois at Chicago, but I've given versions of it at other venues as well. It was one of the first workshops I ever designed, and I'm currently working on streamlining it and making it more interactive. I can do it in an hour, but it's really better with two hours. * BDSM Overview. Imagery deriving from bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, and sadomasochism (BDSM) is becoming commonplace -- and we all know (or think we know) what a dominatrix is -- but most people don't have much idea of what BDSM HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018685

actually involves. Although it is increasingly accepted as an alternative sexual orientation, BDSM remains surrounded by stigma, scandal and occasional legal action. This presentation covers the basics of BDSM (however, it's not a how-to lecture -- you aren't going to learn how to use a whip, though you'll learn where to go to find out!). I prefer to poll the audience to see what they want to cover on top of that -- BDSM history? cultural landmarks? BDSM & feminism? legal issues? I've got it all! I have given this lecture more than any other. It can be squished into an hour, but I prefer two hours. * Sex-Positivity for Everyone! Including the Mens! What is masculinity or male advocacy as a movement, and how is it in dialogue with contemporary feminism? Can it be incorporated into feminism, or can the values of the sex-positive feminist community speak to its concerns? What does positive, productive talk about masculinity sound like? I talk about all this in a short lecturette and then facilitate small discussions on kinky male sexuality, men in the pickup artist community, and men who buy sex. This workshop was originally requested by the University of Chicago, and based on feedback from that experience and others, I have been adapting it. It should take about 90 minutes. * The Sex+++ Film Series at Jane Addams Hull-House Museum and related film screenings. I have now overseen many many screenings of sex-positive documentaries, and facilitated followup discussions afterwards. In the past I have done this primarily to accomplish my own activist educational goals or to raise funds for deserving institutions, but I'd be happy to run a screening or two upon request. Please note, however, that I don't own the rights to all the films I've screened, and so if you want me to run a screening for you, you may need to budget extra in order to cover the rights. I started the Sex+++ Film Series at Chicago's Jane Addams Hull-House Museum, and as I write this in 2012, the film series is in its fourth year. You can look at the film series calendar here: I would certainly be willing to design a new workshop or lecture upon request -- in fact, two of the above events were created at the request of the institutions that invited me. te OK ok Footnotes All these links were last checked in early 2012. te Kk ok Section 1: The Basics te Ok ok S&M: Love Bites: An S&M Coming-Out Story 1. Kink Aware Professionals: https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals- directory/kap-directory-homepage.html -- [back] HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018686

te OK ok Education: Liberal, Sex-Positive Sex Education: What's Missing 1. The Unitarian Universalist Our Whole Lives curriculum: http://www.uua.org/re/owl/ -- [back] 2. New Yorker review of the new Joy of Sex: http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/books/2009/01/05/09010Scrbo_books_ levy -- [back] 3. Synopsis of conservative book Modern Sex: http://www.manhattan- institute.org/modern/ -- [back] 4. Cuddle parties: http://current.com/shows/max-and-jason-still-up/89557966_first-time- cuddle-party.htm -- [back] 5. Scarleteen's sexual inventory checklist: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe so_a_sexual inventory _stocklis t -- [back] 6. Yes Means Yes blog on how affirmative communication combats rape: http://vesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2009/01/16/the-words-that-come-after-i-want/ -- [back] TK OK ok Communication: Sex Communication Tactic Derived From S&M: Checklists 1. Example of a BDSM checklist: http://www.thebrc.net/check_list/default.htm -- [back] 2. Scarleteen's sex checklist: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual inventory stocklis t -- [back] KOK ok Communication: Sex Communication Tactic Derived From S&M: Journal-Keeping 1. Submissive journaling prompts: http://odsm- sexperts. blogspot.com/2010/07/submissive-journaling-prompts.html -- [back] te Ok ok Communication: Sex Communication Case Studies 1. The previous post about a really problematic relationship: fun-boundaries-are-perfect-land/ -- [back] Feminism: Towards My Personal Sex-Positive Feminist 101 1. An excellent definition and discussion of the word "cisgendered,” by trans activist HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018687

Asher Bauer: http://carnalnation.com/content/49458/1067/word-day-cis -- [back] 2. Analysis of the "virgin" shoot at Kink.com: http://missmaggiemayhem.com/2011/01/12/virginity/ -- [back] 3. Most women don't achieve orgasm through penis-in-vagina sex alone: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/i_cant_orgasm_from_intercourse_and_its_ruini ng_my relationship -- [back] 4. Asexual writer discusses sex-positive feminism: http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2012/02/07/an-asexual-map-for-sex-positive- feminism/ -- [back] KOK ok S&M: S&M Superpowers 1. Study demonstrates that BDSM desires do not arise from abuse: http://www.news.com.au/top-stories/bondage-lovers-normal-maybe-even-happier/story- e6frfkp9-1111117296864 -- [back] 2. A post of mine on nonsensical stigma, in the context of whore stigma: http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2010/12/17/whore-stigma-makes-no-sense/ -- [back] 3. Psychology paper "Learning from Extraordinary Lovers" by Peggy Kleinplatz: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih. gov/pubmed/16803770 -- [back] 4. Study finds that consensual S&M increases intimacy: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih. gov/pubmed/18563549 -- [back] TK OK ok S&M: BDSM Can Be "Love Sex" Too 1. Rachel Rabbit White's "Lady Porn Day”: http://rachelrabbitwhite.com/ladypornday/ -- [back] te ok ok S&M: Body Chemistry and S&M 1. Awesome page on aftercare: http://www. leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/chrismaftercare.htm -- [back] 2. EduKink is a pair of San Francisco S&M educators: http://www.edukink.org/ -- [back] KK Ok Orgasmic "Dysfunction": A Unified Theory of Orgasm 1. A tactic called "gaslighting" is a common one used by emotional abusers: http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/201 1/11/21/one-abuse-script-with-many-faces/ -- [back] 2. Kink Aware Professionals: https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals- HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018688

directory/kap-directory-homepage.html -- [back] 3. Betty Dodson's video "Did I Orgasm?": http://www. youtube.com/v/rkCihT 1mkme¢ -- [back] 4. Our definitions of orgasm are fairly narrow: http://sexuality.about.com/od/anatomyresponse/a/what_is_orgasm.htm -- [back] ok oe Boundaries: Orgasms Aren't My Favorite Part Of Sex, and My Chastity Urge 1. Deliberately limiting orgasms for a more amorous relationship: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/too-many-orgasms/ -- [back] 2. Scarleteen discusses women and "squirting" orgasms: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/squirt_on_ female ejaculation -- [back] ok oe Evolution: Sexual Openness: Two Ways To Encourage It 1. Comstock Films makes documentaries about real couples and how they have sex: http://comstockfilms.com/ -- [back] 2. CineKink, "the really alternative film festival": http://cinekink.com -- [back] ok Relationships: Fear, Loathing, and S&M Sluthood in San Francisco 1. My blog post "There It Is": http://clarissethorn.wordpress.com/2010/10/28/litquote- storytime-there-it-is/ -- [back] 2. The Sutro Baths, extraordinary ruins in San Francisco: http://www. flickr.com/photos/vicster/28 1635523 1/in/set-72157607093679758/ -- [back] 3.A blog post I wrote on the perils of vanilla-but- -questioning dudes: dont- date-vanilla- but-questioning-men/ -- [back] 4. The "lost" 21st chapter of A Clockwork Orange: http://www.visual- memory.co.uk/amk/doc/0062.html -- [back] te Kk ok S&M: BDSM As A Sexual Orientation, and Complications of the Orientation Model 1. BDSM-phobic thread on a radical feminist blog: http://rageagainstthemanchine.com/2009/02/07/please-somebody-come-and-defend- kinkcom/ -- [back] 2. BDSM-related discrimination case and orientation notes from Charles Moser: http://www.xtra.ca/public/Vancouver/BDSM_lifestyler_unfit_to_drive_a_limo_police- 6577.aspx -- [back] HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018689

te OK ok S&M: BDSM "versus" Sex 1. Definition of "prostitution" shifts and NYC dominatrixes are arrested: http://sexinthepublicsquare.org/ElizabethsBlog/ncsf-statement-on-pro-dom-work-and- prostitution-statutes -- [back] 2. Marty Klein's "Is There Such A Thing As Kinky Sex?": http://www.sexualintelligence.org/newsletters/issue128 html - three -- [back] 2. mayinay on "kinky" not being limited to BDSM: activity/ -- [back] 4. Quasi-conservative organization Taken In Hand: http://www.takeninhand.com/ -- [back] 5. Comment from saurus: http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/10/09/bdsm- versus-sex-part-1-divide-and-conquer/ - comment-397105 -- [back] 6. Feministe post on the "violent sex" article: http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/07/12/violent-sex-writer-compromises- safety-of-rape-survivor/ -- [back] 7. Comment from Jadey: http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/06/27/the-best- most-disturbing-thing-you-will-read-today/ - comment-373440 -- [back] 8. Mac McClelland's "Violent Sex" article: http:/(www.good.is/post/how-violent-sex- helped-ease-my-ptsd/ -- [back] 9. My old post "Casual Sex? Casual Kink?": http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2008/12/26/casual-sex-casual-kink/ -- [back] ok S&M: BDSM Roles, "Topping From The Bottom," and "Service Top" 1. Thomas MacAulay Millar on "Domism": http://vesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/05/02/domism-role-essentialism-and- sexism-intersectionality-in-the-bdsm-scene/ -- [back] te Ok ok S&M: "Inherent Female Submission": The Wrong Question 1. The Topologies blog features three dominant female contributors: http://topologies.wordpress.com/2009/1 1/07/shifting-the-discourse-on-female- dominance/ -- [back] 2. Research on proportion of submissive BDSM women: http://kinkresearch. blogspot.com/2009/10/sex-role-ratio.html -- [back] 3. The female dominant blogger Bitchy Jones is pissed: HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018690

purpose/ -- [back] 4. The male submissive blogger maymay is pissed: http://maybemaimed.com/2007/08/04/ what-sexuality-might-taste-like-if-you-were-a-submissive-man-in-2007/ -- [back] KK ok Manliness: Fifty Shades of Grey, Fight Club, and the Complications of Male Dominance 1. The sex writer Violet Blue offers some hilarious Fifty Shades commentary and linkfarming: http://www.tinynibbles.com/blogarchives/2012/04/fifty-shades-of- linkbait.html The writer A.V. Flox also did a really great analysis of how badly Fifty Shades deals with S&M: http:/(www.blogher.com/troubling-message-fifty-shades-grey -- [back] 2. Pepper Mint's blog: http://freaksexual.wordpress.com/ -- [back] TK OK ok Abuse: The Alt Sex Anti-Abuse Dream Team 1. The post on SM-Feminist about the prevalence of abuse in the community: http://sm- feminist.blogspot.com/2007/1 1/wut-about-abuuuuuuuuuuzers.html -- [back] 2. A post on SM-Feminist about an abuse survivor who learned to set boundaries and protect herself through BDSM: http://sm-feminist.blogspot.com/2008/01/not-your-usual- bdsm-and-abuse-story.html -- [back] 3. Thomas MacAulay Millar's article "Not What We Do": http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2010/09/2 1/not-what-we-do/ -- [back] 4. Front image of a pamphlet about abuse in BDSM: http://www. flickr.com/photos/35620214@N02/3488055736/ -- Back image of same pamphlet: http://www. flickr.com/photos/35620214@N02/3487239893/ -- [back] 5. Statement on BDSM and abuse from the Leather Leadership Conference: http://www.leatherleadership.org/library/diffsmabuse.htm -- Statement on BDSM and abuse from the Lesbian Sex Mafia: http://lesbiansexmafia.org/Ismnyc/bdsm-is-not-abuse/ -- [back] 6. Kink Aware Professionals: https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals- directory/kap-directory-homepage.html -- [back] KK ok Section 2: Activism and Allies te Kk ok Activism: Grassroots Organizing For Feminism, S&M, HIV, and Everything Else 1. Bitch Magazine's Feminist Coming-Out Day Blog Carnival: HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018691

http://bitchmagazine. org/post/feminist-coming-out-day-blog-carnival -- [back] 2. My sex-positive documentary film series: http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2011/03/17/the-sex-positive-documentary-film-list-2011- 2012/ -- [back] 3. Pamphlet on making a group egalitarian but well-organized: http://struggle.ws/hist_texts/structurelessness.html -- [back] 4. Chicago's Rape Victim Advocates: http://www.rapevictimadvocates.org/ -- [back] 5. Kink Aware Professionals: https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals- directory/kap-directory-homepage.html -- [back] 6. My advice on activism in Africa: http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2010/01/3 1/clarisses- advice-column-arises-again-masculinity-african-activism/ -- [back] 7. An general overview I wrote of housing co-ops: http://www.rolereboot.org/sex-and- relationships/details/2012-04-housing-co-ops-arent-just-for-hippies -- [back] 8. North American Students of Cooperation: http://nasco.coop/ -- [back] ok oe Activism: Interview with Richard Berkowitz, Star of Sex Positive and Icon of Safer Sex Activism 1. My original review of the film: http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2009/02/1 1/sex-positive- documentary-report-2-sex-positive/ -- [back] 2. Gay Male SM Activists was one of the first S&M advocacy organizations ever: http:// www.gmsma.org/ -- [back] te OK ok Abuse: Social Responsibility Within Activism 1. Problems of prisons: http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/atlarge/2012/01/30/120130crat_atlarge_gopnik? currentPage=all -- [back] KOK ok Masculinity: Questions I Want To Ask Entitled Cis Het Men 1. Thomas MacAulay Millar on masculinity: http://vesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2009/05/27/things-cis-het-men-are-afraid-to-talk- about/ -- [back] 2. "Precarious Manhood" paper: Vandello et al. "Precarious Manhood." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 95, No. 6, 1325 — 1339. 2008. -- [back] 3. Men's Rights Activists: the "most discriminated against" quotation came from Kuster, Elizabeth. Exorcising Your Ex. Fireside, 1996. Also, long after the publication of my blog HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018692

posts, the politics website AlterNet did a profile of the MRA movement: http://www.alternet.org/teaparty/154617/Leader's_ Suicide Reveals Frightening, Violent _ Organized Misogyny Movement/?page=entire -- [back] 4. Sexism in BDSM: http://maybemaimed.com/2009/10/02/dont-you-fret-sexism-is-alive- and-well-in-bdsm/ -- [back] 5. Seriously, these posters are awesome: http://www.reachandteach.com/store/index.php? l=product_detail&p=50 -- [back] 6. Alienating men with Thomas MacAulay Millar: http://vesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2009/01/26/who-is-bidding-on-natalie-dylans- virginity -- [back] te Ok ok Education: Sexual ABCs in Africa, Part 1: Abstinence 1. Chris Hall's blog: http://literateperversions.com/ -- [back] 2. My archive of articles at CarnalNation: http://carnalnation.com/users/clarisse-thorn -- [back] 3. Unitarian sex education: http://www.uua.org/religiouseducation/curricula/ourwhole/ -- [back] 4. Another article on declining sexual satiation and how it can contribute to romantic feelings: http://www.marginalrevolution.com/marginalrevolution/2009/08/against- satiation.html -- [back] TK OK ok Education: Sexual ABCs in Africa, Part 2: Be Faithful 1. Helen Epstein's 2004 article "The Fidelity Fix": http:/www.nytimes.com/2004/06/13/ magazine/13AIDS html -- [back] 2. 2007 Washington Post article on multiple partners in Botswana: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp- dyn/content/article/2007/03/01/AR2007030101607.html -- [back] KOK ok Education: Sexual ABCs in Africa, Part 3: Condoms 1. Religious educators saying that encouraging condom usage waters down their message: http://www.thinkingfaith.org/articles/20090325 _1.htm -- [back] 2. Underprivileged populations "choosing" to contract HIV: Ticktin, Miriam. "Where Ethics and Politics Meet: The Violence of Humanitarianism in France." American Ethnologist volume 33, number 1, 2006. Ticktin herself cites an April 6, 2005 National Public Radio broadcast by Nicoli Nattrass, which outlined cases of people infecting themselves with HIV in southern Africa. For an especially haunting and personal account of deliberate self-infection, see also Sylvie C. Tourigny's "Some New Dying Trick: HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018693

African American Youths 'Choosing' HIV/AIDS." Qualitative Health Research volume 8, number 2, 1998. -- [back] 3. Helen Epstein's 2004 article "The Fidelity Fix": http:/www.nytimes.com/2004/06/13/ magazine/13AIDS html -- [back] 4. Reasonable laws regulating sex work were being discussed in South Africa around the time of the World Cup: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/oct/1 1/legalise-world- cup-sex-trade -- [back] te Kk ok Activism: Colonized Libidos 1. Rest in peace, Pitseng Vilakati: http://carnalnation.com/content/44250/1133/rest- peace-pitseng-vilakati -- [back] 2. An argument that the places in Africa where homosexuality is most strongly punished are some of the best to actually be gay: http://chrisblattman.com/2010/03/10/is-uganda-a- good-place-to-be-gay/ -- [back] 3. An argument that much of Africa was less homophobic pre-Western influence: http://isnblog.ethz.ch/culture/gay-rights-—-and-wrongs-—-in-africa -- [back] 4. The Patriarchy allegedly made me kinky: http://sm- feminist. blogspot.com/2008/10/why-bdsm.html -- [back] te Kk ok Vegan: Confections of a Pickup Artist Chaser 1. Kinsey Hope's activist typology: http://genderbitch.wordpress.com/2009/10/03/a-m-o- communication/ -- [back] Z. Chavazienzed as an "Appeaser" activist type, plus tactical discussion: and- appease-please- be-a-bothand-blogiverse/ -- [back] 3. Free vegan starter guide: http://www.veganoutreach.org/guide/ -- [back] 4. List of vegan cookbooks: http://vegan.com/cookbooks/ -- [back] 5. Things that happen to animals on factory farms: http://www.veganoutreach.org/whyvegan/ or this video: http://www.mercyforanimals.org/farm-to-fridge.aspx -- [back] 6. Vegan FAQ: http://vegan.com/articles/fag/ -- [back] 7. Salon article on "humane" farms: http://www.salon.com/2005/04/13/milk _3/ -- [back] 8. Oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipe originally from: http://www.essortment.com/unbeatable-vegan-chocolate-chip-oatmeal-cookie-recipe- 13043 html -- [back] HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018694

9. Frying tofu with a nice crust: http:/(www.tastehongkong.com/recipes/how-to-pan-fry- tofu-with-crust-is-simple/ -- [back] te Ok ok Polyamory: In Praise of Monogamy 1. Poly vs. swingers at Polyamory In The News: http://polyinthemedia blogspot.com/2009/12/polys-vs-swingers-as-viewed-from- 2010.html -- [back] 2. Polyamory relationship contract: http://www.scarletletters.com/current/021403_nf_rk.html -- [back] 3. Someone else's blog post on managing New Relationship Energy in polyamory: http:// www.adrienneparker.com/2010/07/nre-in-polyamorous-relationships.html -- [back] 4. How choosing no orgasms can increase couple bonding: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/too-many-orgasms/ -- [back] 5. 40% of young couples don't agree whether they're monogamous: http://www.charlieglickman.com/2011/02/new-research-young-couples-disagree-about- whether-theyre-monogamous/ -- [back] 6. The "slippery slope" argument against gay marriage: http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/jurisprudence/2004/05/slippery_slop.ht ml -- [back] 7. Monogamous privilege checklist: http://www.eastportlandblog.com/2011/04/05/monogamous-privilege-checklist-by-cory- davis/ -- [back] 8. White privilege checklist: http:/www.nymbp.org/reference/WhitePrivilege.pdf -- [back] ok oe Sex Work: One Blurred Edge of Sex Work: Portrait of a Sugar Baby 1. The SeekingArrangement blog post, "Sugar Baby and Sugar Daddy: The Modern Day Princess and Prince?": http://www.seekingarrangement.com/blog/?p=5456 -- [back] 2. 2009 New York Times Magazine article on SeekingArrangement: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/12/magazine/12sugardaddies-t.html? pagewanted=all -- [back] KOK ok Sex Work: A Sugar Baby Leaves The Business 1. The SeekingArrangement blog post, "Sugar Baby and Sugar Daddy: The Modern Day Princess and Prince?": http://www.seekingarrangement.com/blog/?p=5456 -- [back] 2. The SeekingArrangement blog post, "Sugar Babies Do Fall In Love": HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018695

http://www.seekingarrangement.com/blog/?p=5561 -- [back] 3. Mistress Matisse on sex work and emotional labor: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/ Content?oid=26113 and also: http://mistressmatisse.blogspot.com/2011/01/im-expecting- bit-of-heat-from.html -- [back] 4. Tyler Knight on emotional difficulties as a porn star: http://tylerknight.com/2011/12/18/oneironaut-at-wrest/ -- [back] te Ok ok Section 3: Making It Complicated KOK ok Relationships: Chemistry 1. Infamous article "Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough": http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-him/6651/ -- [back] te Ok ok Evolution: You Don't Always Know What You're Thinking 1. Autumn Whitefield-Madrano on the "fog of abuse": http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/20 1 1/08/08/i-can-handle-it-on-relationship- violence-independence-and-capability/ -- [back] 2. My old post "Am I Evolving Away From Monogamy?": http://clarissethorn.com/blog/ 2010/05/1 1/am-i-evolving-away-from-monogamy/ -- [back] te Ok ok Abuse: Thinking More Clearly About BDSM versus Abuse 1. Pepper Mint's essay "Towards A General Theory of BDSM and Power": pow: —_ -- [back] 2. The origins of the Power and Control Wheel: http://www.theduluthmodel.org/training/ wheels.html -- Image of the Power & Control Wheel: http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PowerandControl pdf -- Text of that wheel, and other relevant wheels: http://www.dhs.state.il.us/page.aspx?item=38490 -- [back] 3. Image of the Equality Wheel: http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/Equality.pdf -- [back] ok oe S&M: Aftercare or Brainwashing? 1. That study on intimacy again: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18563549 -- [back] 2. That awesome aftercare page again: HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018696

http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/chrismaftercare.htm -- [back] 3. FormerWildChild's comment on my post: http://www. feministe.us/blog/archives/2010/10/18/there-it-is/ - comment-332491 -- [back] 4. Paper on people who experience orgasm while assaulted: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/ pubmed/15261004 -- [back] 5. First-person account of orgasm during a rape: http://www_net- burst.net/hope/rape_orgasm.htm -- [back] 6. The cycle of abuse: http://www.uic.edu/depts/owa/cycle_of_violence.html -- [back] 7. Thomas’ s post on S&M mistakes: the- sl: op/ -- [back] Communication: Feminist S&M Lessons From the Seduction Community 1. PUALingo lists over 715 pickup artist terms: http://www.pualingo.com/pua- terminology-list/ -- [back] 2. A PUA internal critique by a dude named Chris. I cross-posted it to my blog, and it's also available as an appendix in my book Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser: http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2011/04/18/guest-post-detrimental-attitudes-of-the-pickup- artist-community/ -- [back] 3. "Neg" definition: http://www.sosuave.com/articles/neghits.htm -- [back] 4. Neil Strauss on negs: http://www.neilstrauss.com/neil/what-separates-a-winner-from-a- loser-is-2 -- [back] 5. Tyler Durden on negs: http://www.bristollair.com/2011/pua-seduction- methods/examining-different-pua-methods-pt-2/ -- [back] 6. This guy is a real asshole, and I dedicate most of a chapter in my book to explaining how wrong he is about everything. Roissy on negs: http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2011/09/26/the-subtle-art-of-the-insidious-neg/ -- [back] 7. "If it wasn't for the pussy, there would be a bounty on [women]": http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2011/08/07/what-are-you-thinking-about/ - comment- 267855 -- [back] 8. Mark Manson on miserable PUA dudes: http://postmasculine.com/pickup-artist -- [back] 9. My interview with Neil Strauss: http://timeoutchicago.com/sex-dating/12914409/neil- strauss-interview -- [back] HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018697

10. Feminist asks Clarisse why she's being generous to Strauss, on a feminist thread deconstructing PUAs: http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/03/25/1-totally- interviewed-the-worlds-most-famous-pickup-artist/ - comment-357169 -- [back] 11. Anti- feminist doesn't like Strauss either: schwy zer-and-spengler -- [back] 12. History of Ms. Magazine includes the erasure of BDSM: http://nymag.com/print/?/news/features/ms-magazine-2011-11/ -- [back] 13. Jaclyn Friedman on how consent is not a lightswitch: http://(www.amplifyyourvoice.org/u/Yes_ Means Yes/2010/11/9/Consent-Is-Not-A- Lightswitch -- [back] 14. Salon interview with Tracy Clark-Flory: http://www.salon.com/2011/10/30/a_sex_guide_for_todays_girls/singleton/ -- [back] 15. Discussion of forcing explicit communication on a feminist BDSM blog: http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2011/07/how-to-not-be-creepy.html? showComment=1310928149621 - c6917844665418677680 -- [back] 16. Feminist site on sexual violence emphasizes non-verbal communication: http://www.uwyo.edu/stop/Get Educated/sexualviolence.html -- [back] 17. Feminist argues that "PUAs rape women" http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/201 1/03/25 /i-totall -interviewed-the-worlds-most- famous-pickup-artist/ - comment-357951 -- [back] 18. PUA claims that "the first two ‘no's don't mean much": a, -- [back] 19. David Shade on LMR: The Secrets of Female Sexuality, by David Shade. David Shade Corporation, 2007. -- [back] 20. Mark Manson advises respecting LMR: http:/Awww.practicalpickup.com/the- cheerleader -- [back] 21. PUA Detox: http://www.practicalpickup.com/the-guide-to-a-pua-detox -- [back] TK OK ok S&M: The Strange Binary of Dominance and Submission 1. An article I wrote about submissive skills, and their value: http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2012/01/16/submissive-skills/ -- [back] te ok ok Feminism: My Mom's Rape Story, and A Confused Relationship with Feminism 1. Susan Faludi's article on feminism's "Electra complex": http://harpers. org/archive/2010/10/0083140 -- [back] HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018698

2. Study shows S&Mers not more likely to have experienced abuse: http://www.news.com.au/top-stories/bondage-lovers-normal-maybe-even-happier/story- e6frfkp9-11 11117296864 -- [back] 3. Kleinplatz's paper on "Learning From Extraordinary Lovers": http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih. gov/pubmed/16803770 -- [back] 4. S&M and the psychiatric establishment: http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2012/05/07/the- psychology-of-sm/ -- [back] 5. History of Ms. Magazine: http://nymag.com/news/features/ms-magazine-2011-11/ -- [back] 6. Piece that drew backlash: http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2011/12/22/on-change-and- accountability/ -- [back] 7. Response piece to above: http://www.amptoons.com/blog/2011/12/28/on-change-and- accountability-a-response-to-clarisse-thorn/ -- [back] 8. Brilliant comments from saurus at Feministe: http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/10/17/call-out-culture-and-blogging-as- performance/ - comment-399410 and also: http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/12/3 1/on-change-and-accountability-a- response-to-clarisse-thorn/ - comment-424091 -- [back] 9. Ariel Levy's 2009 article on feminist divisions: http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/ books/2009/11/16/091116crbo_books levy?currentPage=all -- [back] Glossary As I said in the introduction, I try to keep my writing as accessible as possible. One way I do that is by avoiding jargon and by using terms that I think most people will recognize. I often write "S&M" instead of "BDSM," for example; and when I'm using technical SM language like "top" or "bottom" or "scene," I try to define the words as I go along. But sometimes I slip into jargon by accident. Also, plenty of S&M terms are super useful, and giving a quick overview of S&M language can go a long way towards describing S&M culture. Hence, this glossary. Many of the terms in the Glossary aren't terms that I used in this book, but you might find it useful or interesting anyway. (I also included a few terms that come from other subcultures, like polyamory or queer studies or feminism, because why not.) te ok ok aftercare (BDSM): A cool-down period after an S&M encounter, which often involves reassurance and a discussion of how things went. Aftercare is discussed a lot in this book, especially in "Aftercare or Brainwashing?" (part 3). HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018699

blaming the victim (feminism): The faulty assumption that an assault survivor caused or contributed to the assault. bottom (BDSM): A blanket term for a masochist and/or submissive. Not everyone who is a masochist is submissive, and vice versa. cisgendered (queer studies): A term that means "not transgendered." For example, Clarisse is a cis woman or a cisgendered woman. Here's an excellent essay by the trans activist Asher Bauer describing why the word "cisgendered” is important: http://carnalnation.com/content/49458/1067/word-day-cis coming out (queer studies): Openly acknowledging one's sexual identity to oneself, one's parents, one’s friends, and other parts of one's community. dominant (BDSM): A person who enjoys being in charge during an S&M encounter. dungeon (BDSM): Dungeons can often be split into two types: those owned and staffed by professionals, and those owned by people who are drawn to S&M for non-monetary reasons. There is occasionally overlap between the two groups, but often there's less overlap than one might think. Professional BDSM is frequently banned at non- professional dungeons, and non-professional dungeons are frequently non-profit organizations. Indeed, many non-professional dungeons could be described as "community centers" for BDSMers. They're basically centralized nodes for BDSM support, and they may host lectures, workshops, discussion groups, public parties, or other meetups. enthusiastic consent (feminism): A standard for ethical sex whereby one is expected not Just to have a consenting partner, but an enthusiastic and excited partner. gender policing (feminism): Gender roles are defined by culture, and when a person steps outside their gender role, that person will often be policed or attacked by other members of the culture. For example, a USA man with long hair risks being mocked or beaten up. hard limit (BDSM): A strong, negative BDSM preference that is discussed ahead of time. For example, a person who absolutely does not want to have anal sex would describe anal sex as a hard limit. See also: soft limit. heteronormative (queer studies): A term used to describe the cultural expectations of "normal" heterosexual relationships. For example, the expectation that men are the ones to pursue women during romantic interactions is heteronormative. kink (BDSM): A specific preference. For example, if Clarisse enjoys being whipped, then she has a kink for it. She could also say something like, "I kink on being whipped.” kinky (BDSM and others): A lot of BDSMers use "kinky" to mean "into BDSM.” However, there are some people who use the term more broadly and include practices that aren't usually considered BDSM, such as polyamory or swing. landmine (BDSM): An extremely sensitive psychological spot, sometimes hit accidentally during BDSM play. This is discussed further within this book, in "What Happens After An S&M Encounter 'Gone Wrong” (part 3). HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018700

masochist (BDSM): A person who enjoys receiving pain. New Relationship Energy (polyamory): The obsessive, irrational joy one feels after starting a relationship with a new and awesome partner. Here's an article about it: http://aphroweb.net/articles/nre.htm out [of the closet] (queer studies): An adjective to describe a person who is open with people outside her sexual subculture about her sexual identity. play (BDSM): A verb for having an S&M encounter. For example, if Clarisse was whipped by a gentleman, she might say that she "played with him." Clarisse once saw a display at the Leather Archives & Museum claiming that in Old Guard Leather Culture (1.e, gay men's S&M culture starting around the 1950s), the word was more often "work" than "play" -- apparently, even S&M toys were usually called "tools." play party (BDSM): A party where S&M can happen openly. Some play parties ban sexual intercourse, while others don't. polyamory: A community to support people who want to have multiple lovers and be honest with everyone involved. Polyamory usually focuses more on an emotional relationship than swing, but not always. The writer Franklin Veaux has a good Polyamory 101: http://www. xeromag. com/fvpoly.html And the blog Polyamory In The News has a guard post on the various distinctions between polyamory and swing: 201 0 html primary relationship (polyamory): A relationship with more commitment and expectations than other relationships. For example, a primary relationship might be one where the participants live together and/or are married. Polyamorists sometimes disagree about whether relationship hierarchies are desirable. rape culture (feminism): A culture in which rape is prevalent and is maintained through fundamental attitudes and beliefs about gender, sexuality, and violence, including rape myths. rape myths (feminism): Cultural ideas that make it harder to recognize, prosecute, and heal from rape. For example, many people believe that rape usually happens to young, "hot" women... but interviews with rapists show that they usually prioritize targets based on how vulnerable they are, rather than how "hot" they are. sadist (BDSM): A person who enjoys inflicting pain. safeword (BDSM): A word that any S&M participant can say at any time to stop the action. Safewords are extensively analyzed within this book, in the "The Annotated Safeword" (part 1). scene; The Scene (BDSM): The word scene is often used to indicate an S&M encounter. For example, if Clarisse was whipped by some dude, she "had a scene” with him (or some would say that she scened with him). The Scene is also sometimes used to indicate the public S&M community -- the dungeons, workshops, lectures, discussion groups, and meetups that create an open network of BDSMers in many areas. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018701

secondary relationship (polyamory): A relationship with less commitment and fewer expectations than other relationships. Polyamorists sometimes disagree about whether relationship hierarchies are desirable. soft limit (BDSM): A weak, negative BDSM preference that is discussed ahead of time. For example, a person may strongly dislike anal sex, but be willing to have anal sex in certain contexts, like when he’s really turned on; in that case, anal sex would be a soft limit. See also: hard limit. squick (BDSM): A feeling of not wanting to participate in an act, without judging others for doing it. For example, if a BDSMer feels sick at the sight of blood yet doesn't want to express disgust towards blood fetishists, then she might describe herself as squicked by blood. The BDSM subculture generally places a high value on recognizing that one can be squicked by an act, without judging it. submissive (BDSM): A person who enjoys receiving orders or otherwise accepting an experience defined by a partner. swing: A community to support people who want to have sex with multiple people and be honest with everyone involved. Unlike polvamorists, swingers usually don't emphasize developing emotional connections in secondary relationships, but this isn't always true. Clarisse is less familiar with swing than polyamory, but some swingers emailed her this Swing 101: http:/Awww.swingersboard.com/forums/fag.php? faq=swinger_faq And the blog Polyamory In The News has a good post on the various distinctions between polyamory and swing: http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2009/12/ polys-vs-swingers-as-viewed-from-2010.html switch (BDSM): A person who feels comfortable in either the top or the bottom role. top (BDSM): A blanket term for a sadistic and/or dominant partner. Not everyone who is sadistic is dominant, and vice versa. vanilla (BDSM): A term to describe people who aren't into BDSM, or sexual acts that aren't perceived as BDSM. Some folks describe so-called "slightly BDSM" people or acts as french vanilla. Sometimes, non-BDSM people are offended by being described as vanilla, which Clarisse thinks is silly, but she often avoids the term anyway and says "not into S&M" instead. ze (queer studies): A gender-neutral pronoun, also written as "xie." The possessive version is "zir" or "xir" or, sometimes, "hir.” HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018702