From: Joke 2nd Sent: 5/9/2015 7:17:32 PM To: Subject: a JokeLand E-Mail HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_023550

What'd the duck say to the prostitute? “Put it on my bill." KKEKKKKAKKK starting 8pm, Monday, July 13th! and all Mondays thereafter forever! "The Jackie Martling Show" Broadway Comedy Club 318 West 53rd St. (8th & 9th) New York New York (212) 757-2323 KRKAKKKKKKK Two drunks are on the subway. The first drunk says, "Wh-what time is it?" The second drunk pulls out his cigarette lighter, looks at it, and says, "I-it's April 9th." The first drunk says, "W-we should've got off at the last stop." KRAEKKKKKKK please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST... @JackieMartling KRAEKKKKAKKK Mrs. Hartke comes home after visiting her relatives for two weeks and finds that her husband, who was too lazy to go to the supermarket, has eaten all the dog food in the house. She calls the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to do something. My husband ate a half a case of dog food." The doctor says, "Relax, Mrs. Hartke, it can't hurt him. There's nothing to worry about." The next day, the doctor answers his phone, and it's Mrs. Hartke. She says, “Nothing to worry about, huh, doc? Well, I hope you're satisfied. My husband's dead." The doctor says, "Dead? From eating dog food? I can't understand it. What happened?" She says, "He was lying in the driveway licking his balls and I backed the car over him." RKKKKKK 8pm this Saturday, May 9th The RRazz Room New Hope HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_023551

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KRKKKKKAK A frog goes into a bank and sits down ina chair next a desk that has a placard on it that says "Seymour Paddywhack, Bank Officer." He says, "I need to borrow some money." Mr. Paddywhack says, "To do that, you'll need some collateral. What have you got?" The frog reaches into his bag, takes out a small plaster statue of Elvis and puts it on the desk. Mr. Paddywhack says, "Is that all you have?" The frog says, "Yeah." Mr. Paddywhack says, “Well, that won't do." The frog says, "I want to see the president." Mr. Paddywhack leads the frog into the bank president's office, puts the little Elvis on his desk and says, "This frog wants to borrow some money, the only collateral he has is this statue and I don't even know what it is." The bank president says, "It's a knick-knack, Paddywhack, give the frog a loan." KKKKKKKAK The World's Best Gifts! they keep on giving! all six of Jackie's Oglio joke CD's ... The Joke Man, Sgt. Pecker, Hot Dogs & Donuts, Come Again?,F. jackie & snart ... are available on Amazon, iTunes, and at Oglio.com KRKEKKKKKKK A British guy comes home from work early and there's his wife on the living room floor with two guys. She's blowing one guy and the other guy is fucking her. He says, "* Ello, * ello!" She says, "So you're not speakin’ to me, then?" KRAEKKKKAKKK Where would you find a turtle with no legs? Right where you left him. KRKKKKKKAKK What's fifteen inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_023555

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KAKAKKKKAKK for great dirty jokes 24/7, Use Your Finger! (516) 922-WINE free jokes for The Universe since 1979 ... simply dial (516) 922-9463 ... .. not a pay service, just a regular call ... 36 years of free jokes! RAKKKKKA Every night for twenty years, Irving Schwartz gets down on his knees and says, "Lord, it's me, Irving Schwartz. I'm a good Jewish boy. One time, couldn't you let me win the lottery? One time? I'm good to my parents, I'm good to my children, I go to temple. Please, Lord, please, one time, let me win the lottery." He's on his knees every night for twenty years. "Lord, it's me, Irving Schwartz. Would you please let me, sometime, win the lottery?" Finally one night after twenty years, the heavens open up, and God says, "Irv, if you want to win the lottery, you've got to buy a fucking ticket." KRKKKKKAK this is The JokeLand E-Mail List. if you're not supposed to be on this train, please disembark & get off now. ... and please tell anybody who wants to get on to e-mail me, [email protected] ... KKKKKKKAK What's hairy and bites necks? Cunt Dracula. KKKKKKKKKE An old guy with Parkinson's goes into an ice-cream parlor and says, "I-I'd like an ice cream, p-please ..." The girl behind the counter says, "What flavor would you like?" The guy says, "I-it don't matter, I-I'm gonna drop it anyway." KKEKKKKAKKK Schneider walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes. The salesman says, "But, sir, I can see from up here you're at least a size 11." HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_023557

Schneider says, "Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe." The salesman brings them, Schneider stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, stands up and winces. When he sees how confused the salesman is, he says, "Listen, I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is fucking my best friend, my daughter is pregnant and my son deals crystal meth. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these fucking shoes." KRKEKKKKKKK A midget's marooned on a desert island for fourteen years and finally one day he's rescued. When they get him to shore, they ask him what he'd like. He says, "You know damn well what I'd like." They take him to a brothel, he goes upstairs with a girl, they go ina room and they both get undressed. Then he puts on a condom, puts some cotton in each ear and puts a clothespin on his nose. The girl says, "What the hell are you doing?" The midget says, "If there's two things in this world that I hate, it's the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber." KKEKKKKKKK Fugelsang says to the doctor, "I'm thinking about having a vasectomy." The doctor says, "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?" Fugelsang says, "Yeah. They're in favor of it, fourteen to three." KRKEKKKKKKK Two Spanish guys show up at The Gates of Heaven and the first one says, "We want in." St. Peter says, "Let me go ask God." He walks over to God and says, "God, there are two Spanish guys at The Gates who want ier God says, "If they are good people, let them in." St. Peter goes back to The Gates, and then comes back to God and says, "They're gone." God says, "The Spanish guys?" St. Peter says, "No. The Gates." RaKKKKK A waiter brings a lady her clam chowder and she sees his thumb is hooked over the cup. She says, "Waiter, you've got your thumb in my soup." He says, "Yeah. I got the arthritis, and the warm makes it feel much better." HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_023558

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RAKKKKKK A midget goes into a bar, and he's too short to see over, so he starts jumping up and down saying, "A whiskey, please," "A whiskey, please." Nobody's taking care of him, so he keeps jumping up and down saying, "A whiskey, please," "A whiskey, please." Finally he gets up ona chair, looks over and sees a midget bartender jumping up and down saying, "With ice?" "With ice?" RKKKKKK How many vaginas does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but is has to be very sticky. KRAKKKKK classic Rodney Dangerfield: "Last night my wife met me at the door in sexy lingerie ... ... trouble is, she was coming home. ..." RKKKKKK What's the difference between a white cow and a black cow? A white cow goes, "Moo," and a black cow goes, "Moo out d’ way." RAKKKKKA Schmidlap's been away on business and decides it'd be nice to bring his wife a gift. He goes into a store and the girl says, "How about some perfume? This bottle is one hundred and fifty dollars." He says, "That's too much." She says, "This one's sixty dollars." He says, "Still too much. I'd like to see something really cheap." So she hands him a mirror. RKKKKAK What's a cowboy call a cowgirl prostitute who won't go all the way? A hired hand RKKKKKK Leeds is parking with a girl in the rain. It's very hot and stuffy and the windows are getting all steamed up, so he cracks open the passenger's side window. HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_023561

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